Another day and nothing has changed.

Isn't there a saying that the definitions of crazy is to do the same thing over and over again, thinking you will finally get a different result.  Repeating the same patterns each day and getting up each day looking at the same thing and hoping beyond hope that one day you will finally get what you want, but always knowing in the back of your head that it will never change.  Knowing that no matter what you do, it doesn't matter to the one that you are doing it for, that in many ways you don't matter and never will.

Trying to be the best person that you know how to be and trying to hide what is really killing you deep inside and keep moving forward and keep the pain pushed so deep down you knowing that nothing that you are doing it ever going to make a difference is the way I spend most of my days.  You have to realize that you have to do for you and you can't do for others not matter how much you love or how much they mean to me.  You can't allow the feelings of others effect how you see you every day.  Even thought I don't allow others to effect how I feel about myself, because I know who I am and I know what I want, it only effects how I feel in general.  I react to the responses that I get when I put something out there and usually it is not the response I want.  I will try to make some kind of since of it or rationalize it to work out for me so I can deal with it or pretend that I didn't know what happened.  Look the other way and turn the other cheek over and over and over and over again just so I don't face what is sitting right in front of you face.  This is the shit that I go through each and every day of my life right now.

I want the pain to go away, and I want to move on so bad and I want to just get pissed off and tell him to fuck off, but I can't do it, I NEED him to much.  It doesn't matter to me about anything else, I live to serve him in my own mind, he is all that matters to me.  I live to take care of him no matter how much he needs or how much pain I feel inside from rejection.  When he takes control of me and calls me "Bitch" and "Cum Whore" or anything like this and tells me what I am going to do for him (nothing ever sexual), I am totally lost and can't do anything but agree.  When he does go to this place, in a twisted way, I feel like I belong to him. I feel like he really wants me and I want him to want me more then I want to breath. I want him to use me and take control of me and let me take care of him in every way. It feels me with so much pleasure to see him happy, but only as long as I am part of what is going on.

What he doesn't realize this, this is what makes me happy.  I know he doesn't understand why and he doesn't want me to feel this way (not just about him but with anyone), but it is really what I want.  I really want him to be in control.  It really want this to happen. I honestly want this to happen.  I want him to control me and take me for his own. I really don't care is he loves women and if he goes off with them on certain weekends, I just want to be dominated by him and him alone.  No one else can make me feel this way, only him.  I only want to be dominated by him.

No matter how much energy that I put into this I know it will never ever work out the way I want it to because I can't control how he is going to react and what he has going on inside him.  This is not a movie and there is no happy ending, no matter how much I want it to be.  Some times you have to ask yourself a few questions...Are they ready to face what you are putting in their face? Are they ready to face what is going on inside of themselves? Are they ready to see what you see in them?  Usually the answer is to all these questions is no.  If you are in this spot in your life, the only thing you can do is walk away or shut up and deal with the pain.  I choose the pain because I can't live with out him!  When he does decided to leave me, it will be a very dark day in my life.

LOVE THE TIME CAN NOT TOUCH

I am one of the luckiest people that I know. I know I have my problems and I know I have many issues, but I have so much love in my life that I really had no idea of, it lifts my world.  I know I am loved by my family and my friends but the love that I am getting from one person it almost overwhelming.  It is not you ordinary love or hugs and kisses (though that is there) it so much deeper then anything I have ever been around.  To have someone believe in you so much and to trust you so much and to be able to see so much more inside of you that you never see in yourself and stand strong with you til you do see it, is amazing.  This is the kind of love I am talking about, strong, unbending, un-relenting, teaching, and generous.  He continues to amaze me with his words but most of all with his actions.  He builds me up and builds me up and builds me up while he wants nothing for himself, he wants none of the spot light, he wants only to see me rise above all my pain and problems and succeed in life, but not just in life, but in all eternity.  To be able to see beyond who I am and what I perceive as what I am, to be able to see into the universe and beyond time and space and come to an understanding of how deep our love for each other is and how much I have to offer.  This is the love I am talking about, Love that Time can not Touch!!

I started writing this a couple of days ago and I am now just getting to finish it.  When I wrote this it was just after a very long conversation with my best friend and what he was telling me about how he truly felt about me.  I have always known this but to hear it from him in the way he was telling me and the emotions he was putting into it, made it that much more special to me.  I still have a lot to learn about myself and I am making huge strides to overcome my pain and heartache, but I still have a ways to go. I know I will get there with the love and help of my friends and myself.   The main thing I have to over come is the shelf hatred that I carry around and the fear that I can't do something on my own.  That I need someone standing by me to make me successful and someone standing by me to be loved.  I need to understand that love has to come from with in myself and I have to be the one that is loving me and not wait or want for someone else to do it for me.  I see how much he loves me and more then that I feel how much he loves me, I need to get to that spot with in myself so I can move past him.  I tell myself over and over that I love him so much and if he wasn't here, I wouldn't know what to do.  I have to come to the understanding that these kind of feelings about myself and about him, are a very bad thing.  I can't depend on him to give me the love that I need and I have to find it withing myself to love.  I have to look deeper with in myself and see the person that he sees and know that I can do this on my own.   The sooner I can do this, the stronger our love for each other will grow.

This is might be a silly concept to someone that doesn't understand what I am trying to say (and trying to learn for myself), but by letting him go and stop looking for love from him, I will be strong with in myself thus causing us to be strong together.  So stepping away from someone you love, will cause your love to grow stronger.  I just have to continue to live this moto and see where it takes me...wish me good luck...!!



 

Finally, I am seeing what I need to see!!!

Yesterday was not a bad day, it was not a great day, but it was not bad. I got to spend the day with the person I love most in my life and I got to learn a new lesson for myself.

Over the past couple of weeks I have reveled more of my inner feelings and thoughts to the one person that fills my every thought of every second of every day and I have started to learn how to deal with the pain and accept the true reality of what is facing me.  I have started to come to a place that is accepting of and understanding of what our relationship really is. I am seeing our relationship in both our eyes now instead of just my own and this has been very hard.  Seeing the other persons point of view and learning to accept this, is something that I didn't want to do, but by doing it is only strengthening or relationship because it is putting it on an more even playing field.  It is helping to make us both equals in the relationship and helping to stop me from being so crazy every day.  Even though I might have deep inter thoughts of us being a couple one day, I am seeing that this never and will never be the case.  I can hope and pray and wish all I want, but this is not something that is ever going to happen.

I tell my self that I love him and respect him, but none of this is true if I don't listen to him.   If I don't hear him telling me what his true feelings are and understand what his true passions are, then I am not respecting him or loving him, I am trying to control him.  When you have in your life someone that you think you love more then anyone you have ever met, someone that you think of the first thing when you wake up and the last thing as you fall asleep and a 1000 times in between through out the day, what do you do?  How do you handle this and how do you make it stop?  Do you really want to make it stop? Is it a good thing or a bad thing that you are so attached to this person that they dominate your ever waking thought?  That you put all your friends and all things that you normally do on hold, because spending time with him is more important to you then anything or anyone else. It doesn't matter if are just watching tv or watching him play video games, the shear fact that you are with him is all that matters, and you know that even if you did go off with someone else, you would end up texting him a dozen times or more through out the night until you go home again. You will text him and share ever single thing that happens and you can't wait to tell him everything that is going on with you through out the night.  You tell yourself that he really wants to hear everything that is happening, because that is how you feel when he is out, but is this true? Does he really want a blow by blow detail of your night or are you just easing your own pain of loss because part of you is telling you that you should be home with him instead of out doing what you are doing, while part of you is telling you that being out is a good thing?   It doesn't bother you if he goes off and sees his friends or if he stays the night at friends, but you feel loss or a since of guilt if you go off and do things with others and leave him home alone.  Where does this guilt and thought pattern come from?  How do you stop it?  What good does this pattern serve either of you and even though you see it, why can't stop it?

Well the answer to all these questions is NO!!  It is not good to allow someone to dominate every waking thought of your day.  It is not good to feel guilty for not spending every free second of your day with him.  It is not good if I don't have the will power to spend time apart.  It is not good for me and it is not good for him and it is good for your relationship.  If I am ever going to truly love someone and honestly respect them, I have to be open with them; and more importantly I have to love myself and be honest with myself.  I can make up excuses all day on why I do what I do.  Trying to save money, trying to learn more about him, trying to learn more about myself, are all true to a large extent, but honestly I am scared. I still don't believe in myself and I still don't feel I am worthy of all the love he shares with me and I am scared of leaving him. This is not love, this is attachment!!  Don't miss understand, I really enjoy spending my days with him, I enjoy just chillin' at the house and doing nothing, I enjoy watching him play video games and having him share his thoughts on what is going on.  I honestly do enjoy ever second we are together.  But the fact that when something else comes up and I push it off just so I can do these things is not healthy. It is not healthy for me or for your friendship. As I am sitting here right now and typing all this out, I am thinking of how he is going to react to this when he reads it.  I am thinking about what is the best way to say what is honestly on my mind with out saying something that will upset him. I tell myself that his happiness is the only thing that matters to me and when he does finally meet someone that fills his heart on a passionate level like I wish I could, then I will handle the pain and I will be OK with this. I know this is not true. I know that on the surface I will show happiness for him but deeper down inside me, I will be filled with jealousy and hatred for whom ever has taken what was never mine to start with.   If I am gong to love him the way I say I do, I have to let all this go.  This is not love, it is control and fear and not healthy.   I have to be honest with all this and just say it and let it all be understood to myself.  I have to see this for what it is...ATTACHMENT NOT LOVE!

As I was reading back through all this, I noticed a running theme.  I was using "YOU" in stead of "I" in most of the posting.  I was writing it as I was telling someone else what to do and not to do.  Essentially I was hiding behind my own advise.  I am writing all this to make me face my own emotions and fears of what I think is lacking in my life, but I am missing the point.  I am still not facing up to what is going on inside me. This is all about me and what I am dealing with and when I use "you" in 90% of the post, I am not facing anything, I am putting up more smoke and mirrors like I have always done. Trying to tell others how to live their lives but not doing it myself, basically I am being a hypocrite. I went back and changed everything so it reflects back onto myself and puts it all back on my plate. Now moving on....

I am good person and I honestly truly do love this man with all my heart, but I have to let him go.  I have to respect his feelings as well as respect my own. He loves me more then anyone ever has and he shows this love to me every single day, but the fact is...he is straight and that is not going to change.  He has a love for me that is beyond special but on his end he is CONNECTED to me, and my end, I am ATTACHED to him.   I have to get to this place in our friendship.  I have to let him go and stop being attached but keep this connection we have formed and this bond that is growing between us. I have to stop reading into things that are not there and stop thinking he can fill my emptiness inside me. Only I can fill this pain and emptiness and the funny thing is that as soon as I let him go, I think that most of this emptiness will be filled.  Right now it is staying empty because I am not accepting what he is giving me and I am not accepting myself for all the love that I have to share with him or anyone else.  If I could step back and detach and love myself half as much what I tell myself that I love him, my world would change in so many great ways.

This is the lesson that I learned last night, while I already knew all of this and have had it repeated to me over and over, I was still hiding.  Some things that were said and one specific thing that happened yesterday, has finally brought this into the light for me.  I have everything I need from him or could honestly ever what from someone that loves you, (trust, honestly, caring, concern, giving, sharing, openness, strength, weakness, vulnerability, compassion, vision, insight and a true feeling of him wanting me to be a better person), there is nothing else.  These are aspects that can last an eternity and survive even if we are thousands of miles apart.  I will get to this place, I will continue to detach myself from him and I will have his love in my life for as long as I live.  This is a great start and moving forward now is going to have some hard times, but I will make it through, the cost of not succeeding is way to great and prize that waiting on the other side is my own self awareness and enlightenment.

So now it is time to start a new day and make new strides in my own personal life.

QUESTIONS

If you could ask any thing about your self to someone else, what would it be?

What can you ask someone else that you don't already know if you take some time and look deep inside you to see the answer.  How can someone else tell you things about your self that you don't already know.  Only you know you and only can answer your own questions.  I know doctors can tell you things you might not know, but that is different.  I am in a spot now that I have the opportunity to ask someone anything about myself that I want to know and get an answer from the BEYOND.  The thing is now that I have this chance, I don't know what to ask, so I decided to ramble on here for a bit and see if it clears my mind and allows me to see to what I am seeking.

I have some random thoughts on what I want to know, but I can't come up with anything specific.  I need to ask this person something that is specific to me and relevant to my current situation.  I need to think about something I really want to know deep inside me and have been afraid to look at. I need to see if he can tell me something about myself that I am afraid to deal with and give me sound advise on what to do next and how to deal with this darkness.

We all have dark places in our souls that we don't look at and places that we don't want anyone else to know about.  These are deep kept secrets that we don't share with anyone and usually don't share with ourselves.  We lock things behind doors and hope they don't come up and hope no one else will try to open those doors but we know that if we were to open these doors and let these secrets out then we would feel better about ourselves and about the world around us. Secrets are poison that we carry around with us and the more we have and longer we keep it inside us the more toxic it can become.  Secrets and lies will end all hopes for great and peaceful future

TWO PIECES OF THE PUZZLE

Whats up blogger world....

Its another day in my ever changing life, usually pretty good and some times pretty sad.  I always try to keep my head up and look to the bright side of things and let the bad things pass me by. This is something my dad always tried to tell me when I was little, it does you no good to focus on the bad things in life, they are always going to be there so you might as well do everything you can to block them out.  Some times it is easier then you think and some times it is almost impossible.  I guess I have always had a pretty good life, most kids would have died to have the family and parents I had, it is just to bad that I didn't see that at the time.  I always wanted someone else's life, always wanted to be some place else and be living someone else's life.  I always felt like that growing up in small town and being GAY, I was missing out on everything.  While this is partly true, the things I missed out on ended up being my own fault.  I was the one that chose to hide and run scared in my life.  I was the one that chose not to stand up for myself and tell everyone who and what I really was and I was the one that chose to miss out on so many great things growing up.

I can't sit here and say that my life was bad, but it was far from it. It was very materialistic and I was spoiled as a child. I usually got most anything I ever wanted, when ever I wanted, but I was loved very much by my family.  I had three big brothers that protected me and I had two parents that lived together for over 50 years til my dad passed away.  My mom is still alive and I do everything I can to make her proud of me and show her that she did a good job raising me.  I love my brothers and my parents, I just wish I could love my self as much.

I have this crazy instinct that draws me to certain people. People that I wish I could have been like, people that fascinate me and really push my limits.  If you don't push me and you don't challenge me, then even if I do become friends with you I will usually fade away.  I am always looking for that special person that I think is going to fill my soul with all these wonderful things and make the sun shine brighter and the birds sound sweeter, but it never seems to happen.  When I do find someone that I think might be that person, something is just a little off that never allows it to come to pass.  I am learning now that it is not the people that I am finding that is failing me, it is me that is failing me.  I have learned (the hard way) that it is only me that will fill me up with sun shine and make the birds sound sweeter. I have to be the one that is over flowing with before I can actually find someone else.  I have to be whole, I have to be complete with myself and love my self before I can ever expect some one else to love me.  If you look at this this way, why would you want to spend you time with and energy on someone that doesn't love them self and is only going to drain your energy to try to fill themselves up.  If they still have holes in their hearts and souls, then all the energy that they are draining from you will never fill them up, it will only seep out of the open woulds and open holes in their lives.  You will end up just as empty as they are be the time you come to your senses and move on with your life.  So I have to fill my own holes and patch my own wounds and then allow myself to fill all the way up with all the love I can give myself, then go and see what happens.

Life is funny and amazing, there are so many people in life that you come across every day and you never know who you are going to run into.  You never know who you are going to connect with, weather it be a boy or girl or young or old, there is just something that will draw you to certain people.  You don't know what it is, you can try to analysis it and try to figure it out, but what good will that do, it is going to do what ever it is going to do (IT, referring to your soul or spirit).  You can't control it and if you could, would you want to.  The universe sends you things when you need them, it provides for us when were are at different crossroads in our lives.  When we need support and love, it will send someone that will understand us and if things work out the way they are supposed to that person that shows up in your life is also looking for something or missing something and you will have what that person is missing.  Now if you tried to control what and who you were to come in contact with each day, then you would only be getting half the story.  You would only be getting what you need and you would not have the piece of the puzzle that they need and this is a very important thing.  You both have to have the each others missing pieces for the the puzzle to be complete.  That is the funny thing about the universe, it sees what you can't see, you just have to except what it sends to you when it sends it to you.  The tricky part is figuring out how both your pieces fit together.

There are many times that two separate pieces of puzzle were brought together by the universe and instead of them trying to figure out how they fit together by listening with their heart and not with their ego, they would wonder off with out ever fitting them together.  You just lost a chance to learn something new about yourself and learn something new about someone else.  You lost a chance to connect with someone on a level that few know about and few will ever be patience enough to wait and see what happens.  Some times when you feel like you are giving more then the other side is giving, you have to stop and think, don't react.  You step back and see if what you are seeing is true or just your ego talking to you, you will usually find (well me personally) that this is not the case.  I am giving what I need to be giving at this moment, and the other person is excepting my gifts, but when I step back and look at it without the ego being in control, I see myself receiving so much in return. I am receiving exactly what I need at that moment, and with time and love, I receive more then I ever gave.  I get more back in return then I felt like I ever gave out.  What we give and what we receive are immaterial, there is no definition to what we need at any given time.  It could be money, material things, support, love, stability, or just someone to allow you to cry and listen and never judge.  The list is endless, but this is how the funny shaped pieces of the puzzle fit together. You look at them and turn them over and flip them around but with time and patience and love and understanding, you figure out how they fit together and all of the sudden all those empty holes in you soul and heart start to get filled by these little pieces of the the puzzle.

Sammy

EMPITNESS

What do you do when you desire to be hide out weights your desire to love yourself.

What do you do when your feeling of weakness out weights your desire to be strong

What do you do when everything inside you is telling you one thing, but you heart is telling you something else.

What does it take to fill those holes inside you that you keep hoping someone will come along and fill for you.  You look out side yourself over and over again and always think this one thing is going to be the answer, and all it brings is more questions.

What do you do when you come to the realization that Love and Suicide are two sides of the same coin and all you have to do is toss it in the air and see which side it lands on.  Its all up to chance, its all up to fate.  You have no control of it and most times you have to say in it.

You tell yourself that can change and next time it will be different and next time you will not go down the same path, but after you have walked the path again, you look back and you are on the same path.  You have walked the same path again and again and continue to end up at the same location.  

A wise man once said "that a fool is someone that does the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come"...that is where I am standing right now.  Doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come.  The out come of someone else taking away all the pain and loneliness in my life.  The out come of someone else filling the hole of depression and emptiness in my life and thinking someone else will make all this better for me.  The out come that I have to have someone else to make me whole.

All these out comes are false and none of them will ever come to pass.  You can lean on others in times of need by but you have to be complete within yourself before you can ever get off this path.

These are all things that I am finally seeing for myself.  I am seeing that I am the only one that will fill me up.  No one can do this for me. No one can make me whole and no one can walk my path but me.  I have to be strong within myself and I have to believe in myself if I ever plan on getting down the path of truth with myself. Looking in to the dark places and looking into caves of despair and loneliness will be the only way to truly find out who I really am and what I can really do.  Many have seen this in themselves and addressed it and gone on to great and wonderful things, but many have seen the darkness and turn and run from it.  Unfortuntly I am one of the ones that have seen the darkness and run from it.  The darkness is scary and empty and a place you don't want to be, but if you ever plan on going any further, you have to face it.

Darkness is something that everyone has in their life.  How we handle this darkness and how we face this darkness is what makes us who we are today.  Doing the same thing over and over and walking the same path over and over will never truly get you to where you want to be and you will never truly understand who you can become.  Life is so full of choices and decisions that we have to make a 1000 time a day.  Every decision we make through out the day will determine where we end up at the end of the day.

Usually we lie to ourselves and those we love to bring about a false since of accomplishments and a false since of getting some place in out lives.  Until we can honestly face ourselves in all our hardest and darkest fears we will never know who are.  Those that loves us will never know who we are.  We will continue to lie and deceive ourselves and those that love us until we get to a place that we don't have any idea of what the world around truly is.  We will create a world of lies to hide the pain and lies to hide the lies and lies to had from those that love us.  We keep telling ourselves that we are doing what is best for others and what is best for those that we love, but what we don't see is that what is best for us and what is best for the ones we love is to be completely honest with ourselves.  No more lie, No more deceit, No more smoke and mirrors.  How can I see my self in a mirror with all the smoke I have put up to hide myself.  Does it do anyone any good, is anyone getting better from all the lies and deceit....No of course they are not.

If you fill the person you say you LOVE with lie and smoke, then they don't really love you, they only love the fake person that you have been putting in front of them.  They are in love with a false image of who you think they want to see and a false image of who you are trying to be.  Trying to be someone that you are not takes so much energy and waste so much time, that eventually all the lies and smoke will come crashing down.  When it all comes crashing down and you are standing there naked to the world, you are all the sudden back to where you stated and you have to get back on the path and start all over again.  All the time and effort you have put in to getting someone to like the false image has all been a waste to time.  Just think about all the things you could have been doing and all the people you could have been attracting that will honestly love you and understand you inside.  Why be so scared of these dark places, why no just walk into them and look the darkness in the eye and say FUCK YOU, this is my path and I am walking it.  I am Strong, I am Honest, I am Willing, I am Loved...nothing will stand in my way.

This is where I am at right now, back on my path.  I am blowing away the smoke, and taking down the walls of deceit.  I have lied to those that I love the most, but most importantly I have lied to myself that they will only love me back if I put up this certain image.  With out being myself and showing them who I really am and what is really going on in my life, I will always be alone and empty.  I can't fill the emptiness with alcohol, or drugs or sex or porn or food, I can only fill it with honesty to myself and honesty to the ones I love.  I can't be scare any more that someone might not like me or love me if they see the real me, because if they see me and don't like me, then I don't need them in my life.  I only want to be honest...and all this starts with being honest with myself ever day.  I have to look myself in the face and tell me that I do love me and as long as I love myself, everyone else will also.  No lies, no exaggeration, no embellishments, just "it is what it is" from now on.

This is going to be very hard for me to do.  This is the way I have lived my life for 40 years and by some luck or grace of god or some universal hand coming down, I have had someone that is strong enough to call me on all my bullshit and all my lies and smoke and can't be moved by my manipulation and lies step into my life. He sees through most everything I do and calls me on them.  I am lucky to have this in my life right now and it is forcing me to look within myself and forcing me to stand up and look into the darkness.  He can't do this for me, only I can do this, because bottom line I still have the choice to run, run from the darkness as I have always done and run from him, but I have chosen to stay and chosen to stand up and chosen to face what ever is out there and see what is on the other side.  We always have choices to make, it just depends on what we do with those choices that will get us to where were are.  I could continue to lie and hide from myself and from him if I really wanted to, but eventually he would get tired of my lies and leave and all the time and effort I put in to putting up smoke and mirrors will be wasted because I will find myself no better then when I first met him, stuck in the same circle of lies and deceit. I would have wasted a gift and tossed it aside like a fool.   Continuing to lie to myself and continue to tell myself that I am happy doing what I am doing as the hole inside me continues to grow and grow never being able to be filled.

Although this is hard to do and still taking me time and taking a lot of effort on his part to pull a lot of things out of me.  I am seeing what he has been trying to get me to see for the past year. It has taken me over a year to see everything he has been telling me and  a year to take down all my walls  and stop hiding from him.  Its always easy to say the good things, but the not so good things, that you feel like are  hidden in the dark corners have taken a lot of effort on his part.  Once they are out, you will realize that what you thought was a such a dark and scary thing was not so scary after all.  Shine a light on all the corners and sweep away all the cobwebs and get you house nice and tidy and clean.

My walls are down (for this person anyway) but I still have a ways to go.  The best part is I actually feel lighter, I feel more at ease with myself because I don't have to remember lies to cover lies. The funny part is that I see that I was hiding from others because of all the lies and smoke that I was scared if I stayed with someone to long, I would forget what I had said and back track over my own lie, so I would hide. I can just be me now and that's all he has ever wanted from me and all I have ever wanted from myself.  I still have to look into the darkness and see what is there, but only I can do that, he can't help me, I have to do this on my own.

Fear vs. Loss

I have been thinking a lot about where I am heading and how I am going to get there. I used to always be a loner and wasn't afraid to do things out on my own and actually I preferred it that way. I have come to realize that I really didn't enjoy it so much as did it to keep anyone from getting to close to me and find out that I was gay.  Fear has run my life for so long, I don't really remember what else there is...until now.

Now is the time to stand up and scream.  Now is the time to take control of my fear and force it out of my life.  Fear has no place in my life.  The funny thing is that the fear that I carry around with me has nothing to do with what your normal average person would have fears from or nothing that I have feared in the past.  I don't fear for money, I don't fear for a job, I don't fear for a roof over my head, I don't fear for my health, I don't fear for what other people think of me, I don't fear that people will find out I am gay, and I don't even fear for death.   My fear comes from a place deep inside that I should easily be able to rationalize away, but I know I want do this, and it does me no good to not do so.

When someone comes into your life and completely changes how you look at yourself and the world around you. They have the ability to bring a smile to your face with just a single word, and will listen to you no matter what the problem is or what time of day or night it is. Someone that you know is just there for you no matter what and can tell when you are down or having a problem with out you having to tell them, and then has enough care for you in their heart to dig into the problem to find out what it is. Now most of us have friends that care about us to a certain extent, but this is different.  This is someone that makes me what to be a better person every day of my life. He is one of the most special people that I have ever had the privileged to meet and now he is moving away. As much as I know in my heart that this will not change our friendship at all, my head keeps telling me that it will.  When I say I know it will effect it, I know the love he has for me will not diminish, but since we will be so far apart, things will change..that is the way of life and this my fear. Its not a fear of change, its not a fear of abandonment, its guess the more I write this the less it really seems like a  fear at all. I guess maybe it is just a "feeling" of loss not a fear of anything.  I am not scared that he is changing his life, I am just selfish in my own wants and needs that I don't want him to leave, and that is wrong.

The universe is all about change, the universe brought him into my life when I really needed him and now it is taking him away. The friendship that we have formed is one of the strongest friendships I have ever known. He has come into my life like a tornado and thrown everything around.  He has shaken up my entire world and set me out on a new direction, a new path and new life, but I guess that was his purpose.  I guess we all have a purpose in this vast universe and we all will touch certain peoples lives in very special and wonderful ways, and it is safe to say that he has touched mine in more incredible and wonderful ways that I can count.  I hope that I have learned enough form all that we have experienced together and I will be able to take the joy and happiness that he has planted in my heart and be able to effect someone else's life as much as he has done mine.    

The reason I started this blog was to be able to express my feelings and get my emotions out.  To try to help me to understand all that is going on inside of my head and heart.  In just these short few paragraphs, I have come to the understanding that I really don't have a fear of him leaving, only a feeling of loss for my friend moving on.  He is moving on to something special and wonderful for himself, and I know I will be a part of it, he has taught me that much.  I have nothing but happiness for him in the hope that everything works out the way he wants it to.  I am truly in he corner no matter what decision he makes because that is what a true friend is and that is what a true friend would do. I will always love him with all my heart and soul, and somehow I know I have loved him for 100's of years and I will continue to love him well past this life time.  All I can do now is to stand up and stand beside my friend and be what ever he needs me to be to help him take the next monumental step on his own path in life...and that is what I will do.

No Fear...
No Pain...
No Regrets...
Only Happiness and Joy and Love and maybe a few tears.

I love you Robin.

Tarot Card Reading

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Aries:
Knight of Wands-An indication of the arrival of someone important coming into your life

The picture on this card is of a man on a horse swiftly charging through the day with fearless abandon. He has a mission and knows exactly where he is going. Sometimes this card can indicate the arrival of someone important coming into your life, or it can signal the hasty departure of someone from your life. If you are expecting someone to arrive, they will do so very quickly. If you sense that someone wants out, they will leave just as quickly. This can also signal some type of emergency, though not necessarily too serious of an event that has speeded up. Perhaps someone is admitted to hospital and you have to get there quickly. There is unlikely to be any serious problems stem from this event, just that the matter had to be dealt with as soon as possible, without any delays, such as an appendix attack, for example. If you are single, it can mean your next lover is just around the corner and you will find this person to be very warm and responsible. He or she may be born under an Earth sign, such as Taurus, Virgo or Capricorn.



     Taurus:
The Fool-journey of unique and unknown destination. Innocent of life and will have to learn by his own mistakes. He is a wanderer, with great enthusiasm for l ife and for love

 This card show a young man walking towards a cliff edge with a long rod leaning over his shoulder. On the end of the rod appears to be a handkerchief holding all his worldly possessions. following beside him is a small white dog. He is oblivious to what pitfalls may lay before him. He is on a journey of discovery. He is curious and adventurous. He wants to know everything and is keen to look, learn and discover what ever life is going to teach him. He is innocent of life and will probably make many mistakes but will learn by his own mistakes. He is young and open minded with a desire to have many new experiences so that he can get a taste of life and decide what it is that he really wants He does not yet know what the world will bring, nor what his unique destiny is, but he will soon find out.

     Gemini
Three of Swords-Three people may be involved in a dispute or go their separate ways

This is a minor arcana card, however, when its energies manifest, it can seem like a major event at the time, due to its intensity and how it makes you fell. The card symbolically shows three swords, on dripping with blood, with represents pain and distress. Often a separation from someone occurs at this time or some kind of friction of dispute. It often feels quite tormenting and hurtful at the time and is difficult to get through while this feeling last. Three people may be involved in a dispute or go their separate ways, or become involved in a emotional tug of war.


    Cancer
Wheel of Fortune - This card can bring about an unusual turn of events that are quite fortunate for you

This card can bring an unusual turn of events that are quite fortunate for you, but that you are finally taking the lead in the direction of your own life and your ultimate destiny. This card suggests not so much that events happen to you, but rather that you instigate many major changes to bring about a new life with new challenges and renewed hope. You may decide to leave a job, leave a partner, or go oversees and the decisions you make with regards to these will be so swift hat you will alter some people's impressions that you were once a stable and slow mover. Now all things must change, and change swiftly. Opportunities can arise thick and fast and leave you gasping for air between this offer and that. don't allow anyone to push you into anything you are unsure of


    Leo:
Two of Cups - Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you, the birth of a child or a new found love.

The picture on this card shows a man and a woman looking at each other and each one has a cup in the left hand and they are making a toast. There are some heavy black clouds in the background and these may indicate a period of time, such as further in the distance, or in the past. Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you. The number two can represent time as in days, weeks or months and this may indicate when the encounter will take place. The woman may also become pregnant early on in the relationship, or if a married couple have been trying and this has been delayed or hindered in some way, now it may eventuate. Also there can be a celebration of some kind and this of course could indicate the celebration of the birth of a child. If you are single and looking for romance, then it may be on its way and you could find this person proves to be your soulmate.

    Virgo:
Queen of Wands - You may also be about to meet someone very special with whom you fall in love and marry

The picture on this card is of a woman wearing a crown and beautiful clothes and a robe, with a wand in one hand and a lovely golden sunflower in the other. There is an abundance of green leaves around the flower and the wand. She looks serene and calm. She is obviously a woman of considerable power and influence. She also appears warm and welcoming. She has lovely blonde hair and blue eyes. She displays an air of sophistication and strength. If you are this woman then you have truly found your destiny. If this is the woman you are about to become, then rest assured your future is secure and you will find all of your needs met. You may also be about to meet someone very special with whom you fall in love with and marry. This may develop during the warmer months of the year, as in Spring or Summer. If this is someone you know, then value her friendship, for she is loyal and trustworthy. If you are a male, you may meet this woman through a friend and become involved with her in a romantic relationship. If you are a young person, this person could be your mother or a teacher, or both.


  Libra:
The World - Travel is often associated with this card, new found freedom is just around the corner. You may also expect that your situation will improve quite dramatically in the near future and you are able to explore life with more energy and enthusiasm.
The World. This card shows a woman standing in the centre of the card and all she is wearing is a piece of cloth draped around her body leaving her breasts bare. She is apparently dancing and has a wand of some type in each hand. She has long brown hair and is carefree and open about herself and her motives. There is a wreath of leaves and ribbon surrounding her and behind this is the bull, lion, eagle and the head of a male figure. These represent the four fixed signs of the zodiac which are Taurus, Leo, Scorpio and Aquarius. These signs may very well be symbolic of someone in your life already who is having a huge influence on you, or it can represent someone coming into your life who is born under one of these signs of the zodiac. Travel is often associated with this card, as it can mean travelling the world and meeting many people on your journey. It is also a card of freedom which is indicated by the woman being almost naked. If you wish to be free of some limiting circumstance and then you draw this card, chances are you new found freedom is just around the corner. You may also expect that your situation will improve quite dramatically in the near future and you are able to explore life with more energy and enthusiasm. Circumstance can alter so quickly that you basically blink and then discover you have a new life opening up to you.

   Scorpio:
The High Priestess - Mystical studies may also appeal to you at this time, and you could take up the study of subjects such as astrology, tarot or other esoteric knowledge. Incredible gifts await for you. All you have to do is acknowledge that within lies all knowledge. This is a card of wisdom and intelligence.
This powerful major arcana has incredible gifts for you. All you have to do is acknowledge that within lies all knowledge. This is a card of wisdom and intelligence. It is also an indication of mystical effects and understanding.
This woman can achieve anything she wants. She is studious and persevering. She is enchanting, deep, mysterious and has a unique talent for understanding people and their motives. She is psychic and gifted in many areas of natural law. She knows when to make decisions, when to act and set plans in motion and how to be in complete control of her own destiny. She is a leader, not a follower. She has charm, grace and poise. She is gifted with extra-ordinary understanding, compassion and has humanitarian instincts. She has high ideals and aspires to achieve her planned goals. She is an excellent communicator and listener. She knows when to be quiet. She understands the correct timing on when to plant seeds that will ultimately prosper. She is particularly cool, calm and collected. She is logical and rational and fair. She has a strong sense of justice. The initials B and J may be, or prove to be important in your life. These can represent the initials of people, places and businesses. They are signposts to people and places which will become of profound significance to you.

You could be considering doing some type of studies when you draw this card. Other than that, a teacher, possibly female, may come into your life and have an enormous impact on you. She could teach you valuable lessons that you need to learn.
Should you be considering becoming a teacher yourself, this would be a good indicator that you are on the right track and will achieve success in your chosen field.
Mystical studies may also appeal to you at this time, and you could take up the study of subjects such as astrology, tarot or other esoteric knowledge.



   Sagittarius:
Eight of Swords - A difficult situation to deal with.
This can be a difficult situation to deal with. There may be restrictions in your life that you would like to be freed from. It is also a mentally stressful occasion that requires clarity of thinking and forethought to resolve. If you keep your wits about you and refuse to be depressed you will manage to sail through this time with flying colours and be amazed at your strength of will when you have come out of the other end of the fog and retrospectively look back on how well you handled yourself and the dilemma you had faced.
Endurance is the key to coping right now and your decisions may have far-reaching consequences. You will find you have matured throughout the process of dealing with your problems. You may have to let go of relationships and friendships and this will prove to be an unburdening for you and allow you the freedom to pursue your own goals.
Do not be dismayed by these goodbyes, for they are a necessary part of your new path to follow, unhindered by a lifestyle that had cramped your style and your latent talents.
Now you will start to blossom and to produce good works in whatever field you focus on right now. Allow flexibility in your thinking for fresh ideas and ways of doing things will open new doorways to your true destiny



    Capricorn:
Three of Pentacles - Receiving some documentation regarding an award, or important credentials that you have received or will soon earn.
This card shows a person (apparently male) who is chiselling on the wall near a doorway, which looks a little like a church entrance, due to the conic shape at the top. Above this are the three coins (or pentacles). It seems as though some special message, lettering, notice or plaque is being created for the world to see. On an individual level this could mean receiving some documentation regarding an award, or important credentials that you have received or will soon earn. You may also receive some kind of financial assistance, benefit or win that you were not expecting. If you are seeking employment, it may soon be yours, though will not consume all of your time as it may be only a few hours a day.



     Aquarius:
Five of Pentacles - You may be called upon to help someone in need and this may be financial help.
The picture on this card shows a woman who is wearing a scarf covering her head and shoulders. Besider her is a young man who has a bloodied bandage around his head. He uses two sticks to assist him walking. It is night time and the harsh elements of winter are hitting them hard. In the background they pass (unknowingly) a large stained glass window containing five pentacles. If you draw this card you may be called upon to help someone in need and this may be financial help. You would be wise to question the motives of this person, just in case they are leaning on you too heavily, whereas they should be standing on their own two feet


    Pisces:
The Chariot - Travel awaits you. Should the other travel card, the six of swords also be in your card layout, then this is an indicator that you are to move across new ground, or maybe even purchase a mode of travel such as a car.

Generally speaking this card depicts some kind of travel. Should the other travel card, the six of swords also be in your card layout, then this is an indicator that you are to move across new ground. However, even by itself, as this is a major arcana card, travel is still a strong possibility. You may travel quite a distance and your goal is to get there, by whatever means you can find, even horseback if necessary. This can also mean that someone is coming from a long distance towards you.

For some people this can represent getting a new mode of transport, such as buying your first car, or buying a new car or bike or whatever. The emphasis is on getting to your destination by the quickest route available.

This card too is about choices. You may have to make a major decision around this time that will alter circumstances quite dramatically. Do not resist change for that will disrupt the natural flow of events that are waiting to unfold for you.

Also I have seen this card manifest in matters to do with re-decorating the home. Sometimes it is just new curtains or cushions, however the aim is to bring comfort into the home.

Good times

I just had a great weekend with some very special friends and loved ones. One of them was a very special lady that I have failed to talk about in this blog but she deserves a place here since she has been in my life since 2nd grade.

Friendship and love and kindness can't begin to explain how much she means to me especially with all the shit we have been through together. She has always stood by my side in the good times and the bad, and she never ever asked for anything in return, she was just always there. You know the old saying that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, well she has always been the quite wheel. Never asking for the bright spot light, just happy being who she is, ALWAYS standing by my side, even when I acted like as asshole.  It's sometimes easy to overlook these special friends in your life, but they are some of the most important people that you will ever know.  That is what she is, more than a friend, she is part of me. I have spent so much time talking about the changes going on, I have neglected the one thing that has been a constant in my life for more years then I want to try to remember (she can attest to this).  She is very laid back and easy to get along with and she just takes every day one day at a time.  She doesn't turn her nose up at anyone (not that I have ever seen before) and she always listens to all my shit and gives good advice on top of everything else.

Well the weekend was a blast.  I got to see some old friends and make a couple of new ones.  I even got to hang out with my nephew at a private 20's speakeasy club hidden in down town Savannah.  I also got to experience the longest parade in the history of the world...4 fucking hours!!!  It was worth it though since I got to hang out with Missy all weekend long.

Thanks Missy for being there always being there for me and putting up with all my crap for so many years.  And especially keeping all my little dirty secrets...lol

Love ya

Hope, Strength and Love

                                 

There is so many things that go on in everyone's life from day to day and so many changes that will keep you up at night and continue to run through you mind.  Thoughts that just start off as something innocent and end up as something that takes on a life of its own and you can't stop thinking about it.  I hate when I allow myself to fall into the trap of depression and self loathing for something that I have no control over and I  have no power to to change...or would change even if I had the power to do so.  It is just something that eats away at me and I can't seem to get over it or allow my self to let it just move out of my life.  Instead of moving past my bad feelings I always seem to add fuel to the fire, and I continue to add more and more and more fuel and I keep telling myself that it want matter because the fire want get any bigger.  How stupid is this thinking???  There is no way that adding fuel to a fire is not going to make it burn out of control for way longer then would if I just started walking away and letting it burn it self out.  Why would anyone want to do this to them self?  Why would anyone put them self in a hole and look up at the opening and not allow themselves to crawl out?

Feelings are things that can bring you up to the highest highs or drag you down to the lowest of lows. They come out of no where and slap you in the face from a strange look or a miss understood comment.  They can pull you along with hope that you know inside your heart and mind will never ever come to light.  Feelings are also things that being us joy and love and happiness and a strange warm feeling all over your body that you can't explain.  They can run so hot and cold that it is hard to figure it out some times.

As wise friend told me...


"just relax into the roll and when obstacles come, love and understand them, don't try harder to push them away, that will usually just keep them following after you!"

I am trying so hard to follow the advice of others but our minds run on their own.  Some times you have to look deep inside yourself and find the strength to over come your feelings of loss or pain by facing them head on and looking them in the eye and just love them for what they are and allow them to move past you. This is some of the best advice that I have ever gotten, but sometimes it is so hard to follow.  You just want to allow the bad feelings that invade your life to move past you, but it is so hard to do on certain occasions, but it is something that you have to allow to happen.  The worst part is that there is no reason for these kind of feelings because there is so much love in our lives.  I personally have so many people that love me and care about me and if I was true to myself and true to them I would never allow any feelings but happiness and joy come into my life.  My love for my friends and the love that I get from them and the love that I have for myself are the things that keeps me going every day.

I am still working on loving myself and trust me when I say that I have gotten much better at this point...but I still have a ways to go. I still allow the way others look at me to effect the way I feel about myself on occasions.  I know I am not supposed to allow this to happen, but its all about steps and if I had to say where I was at on this stair case...it guess it would be about 2/3rd the way up.

I guess the real reason for this post is to share some of the advise that I was given by a couple of very special people that I know have nothing but love and care and concern for me in their hearts.  I have been working so hard to follow the advise that I was given and living up to the standards that I have been setting for myself.  Trying to not allow depression or loneliness work its way into my life or into my heart.  I need to keep telling myself that I AM LOVE, AND I AM RECEIVING LOVE FOR THOSE THAT MATTER TO ME. I hope whom ever reads this understands that we all have tough feelings to face sometimes, but with the love and advice of those around us that truly love and care for us, there is nothing we can't face and allow to pass.    

I want to end this by saying Thank You the two people that mean so much to me. I can honestly say I have nothing but love and happiness for in my heart for them.  They know who they are, and I am a very blessed person to have them in my life and I am very blessed to be a part of their life.

Thanks guys, I love you very much....

Color of energy...What does it mean to me??

        

I had an energy reading done on myself and I was told that he was focusing on six specific colors in my life and I should think about these colors and focus on them and think about what these colors mean to me in a positive light. 

The colors that I was told to focus on were 

Orange

     

Yellow

          

Green 

   

Turquoise

   

Royal Blue

   

Violet

    

These are the colors, now to figure out what they mean to me. I have always been a person that likes deep rich colors, but the strange thing is that white is my representational color.  White is pure and clean and free of any thing dirty.  I don't know if this is how I always wanted to see myself but white is always the way that represent myself when it comes to clothes or cars.  When I think about myself in dreams or fantasy's, I always picture myself wearing all white or driving a white car, or living in a house that is all white.  I am not sure if this represents a lack of commitment to any one thing or my fear to break out of my own personal shell and experiment with all the colors that are represented.  I know I am drawn to very deep and rich colors on the outside, and in my minds eye, these are the things that draw my attention, but internally it is always WHITE.

I have been thinking a alot about what each of these colors mean to me and I have been taking notes on them so try to break this down into something that I can understand.  A few them come to me easy and I know what they represent in my life, but the other few...it is taking me some time to figure it out.  So I will start with what came the most easy to me....

Turquoise:
When ever I think of turquoise, the first and only thing that comes to my mind is my oldest brother that has passed away.  He used to always wear turquoise rings, necklaces, and other jewelry.  He thought it brought him power or some kind and he was always showing his stuff to me.  He passed away many years ago from cancer and he was living with his second wife at the time and the relationship between her and my family was not very good to say the least.  When he passed she pretty much shut everyone else out and there was no way for me to get any of his older jewelry, which was something that I wanted to remember him by.  He was a lot older than I was (12 years) so I was never really close to him, but he was my oldest brother and growing up the way I did, I knew more about him for stories I was told them from actual experience. I remember the last time I saw him, I was living in California.  My mom called me and told me that she didn't think he would make it through the weekend, so I got on the first plane out of Cali, back to Georgia (over $1,000 ticket) and make it home to see him that weekend.  I spent all weekend at his home in Jacksonville, but by this time he didn't know who I was or where he was at.  I left on Sunday and flew home and my mom called on Wednesday and told me he had passed.

Green:
Green is the color of my birth stone...EMERALDS.  I was born on my mothers birthday so mine and my mom's birth stone is emeralds.   My mother used to have a huge emerald ring with white diamonds on each side of it.  I always remembered looking at it and trying it on and playing with it.  When  I think of green, the first thing that comes to my mind is my mom. It represents the love that she always gave me  and the protection she always provides.  She has always been my security blanket and the fact that I always know that she will be there for me no matter what, has always helped me

Royal Blue and Violet:
These are deep colors that represent power and life to me.  The dark deep colors mean passion, and power, and strength when ever I think of them.  Violet was the favorite color of my last partner.  He loved this color and actually painted our bedroom this color once.  He was open and loud and proud, and I guess that is what this color represents...in you face!!  Royal blue is an offset of the Violet, where as Violet is in your face, Royal Blue still represents power but in more of a demure way.  I think this is where we met in the middle.  I would be more of a royal blue while he was more of a violet.

Orange:
I was not sure as to what orange represented to me on a personal level, so I went on a search for other meanings of the color, this what I found....Orange is one of the healing colors.  It is said to increase the craving for food.  It also stimulates enthusiasm and creativity.  Orange means vitality with endurance.  People who like orange are usually thoughtful and sincere.  Lady luck's color is orange.  I have been told that if a change of any kind is need in life, just burn an orange candle for 7 nights.

Yellow:
Yellow was also something that I couldn't place in my life for any specific reason, so I went back to the web site and this is what I found.  The web site says that yellow symbolizes wisdom along with joy and happiness. People of high intellect favor yellow.  Yellow daffodils are a symbols of unrequited love. Like the energy of a bright sunny day, yellow brings clarity and awareness. The shade of yellow determines its effect:  Yellow-green can mean deceit, and creates a disoriented feeling.  Orange-yellow imparts a sense of establishment.  Clean light yellow clears the mind, making it active and alert.

Each of these colors mean something different things to me and some more then others.  the first four are hte most important ones, but I am still trying to place the other two some place in my life.  I know there has to be a place some where but so far I have not come up with any thing.  I feel like I do have some of the characteristics of the last two colors, but that i all, but I am open for discussion.

This is the link to the website that breaks down the meaning of different colors...http://crystal-cure.com/color.html

Dream from the other night...

I decided to start posting some of my nightly dreams on here. I am working to get more in touch with what they are telling me and what I can learn from them.  This is one that I had the other night....

I am at some huge house some place and I am waiting on a ride to some where.  I am waiting on some special kind of ride, not just a car to pick me up.  As I am waiting a horse pulling a stage coach with one rider on it goes by.  Then a huge stage coach come to the front of the house, its bright red and is pulled by two horses.  There is a old 1930's car inside the front half of the coach and they are putting people in the back.  When it takes off it sounds like a truck leaving so it must have some kind of motor to help the horses pull the coach.  I then see another single stage coach go by, and then another bright red one with a car.  I am still waiting on my ride.  I don't remember where I am supposed to be going.  I am thinking I am with someone at this point but I don't remember.  As I am standing there a helicopter comes sliding down the road next to a car.  Its like the helicopter is trying to push the car off the road and make it stop, but it is on the ground and they are sliding to a stop.  I ran over to see what is going on, and a black man gets out of the car and opens the door to the helicopter and there are three black women sitting inside holding a book. One lady kisses the man and tells him she thought it was her time because she had just read his book (the man wrote the book the ladies were holding) and she read a passage out of it like a verse from the bible.  I know that bible verse has meaning but I can't remember what it was. It has something to do with your time expiring and being taken up.   I am just standing there watching the entire time.

It is now dark and I am still at this huge house, and it seems more like a frat house in college (later it becomes my old college) and I am looking out the window at young college age boys and girls running around and making out on the front lawn.  This part is very hard to explain because it jumps around so much, but I will try.  This part had a friend of mine from high school (one of my high school crushes, but he was straight also) but he never talked to me.  I was the one trying to talk to him and warn him someone was going to beat him up because he was making out with some other guys girl.  This other guy had a baseball bat and was hitting dummies and I said that is better then hitting the real thing, now you get your aggression's out, he looked at me and told me "it is just practice for the real thing"  Stuart (that is my friends name) walks past me with a bat in his hand and I try to tell him about the other guy, but he ignores me and keeps on walking back to the house, so I follow him (I was outside the house this whole time, now I am trying to get back into it).  I have to climb back inside the house and I am in some kind of cafeteria area and I have to climb over some stuff to get back in.  Other guys are very easily climbing up and over the metal cabinets and shelves but I am struggling to get my feet in the right spot and pull my self up.  I watch 3 or 4 guys just jump up and over while I am still struggling.  I finally stop and and I am watching this line of guys behind the cafeteria food line and two other guys come in, one is the one with the bat and the other has a bowl of food of some kind.  The one with the food starts to poor it over the head of one of the guys on the food line like some kind of initiation and then on another one and then another one.  The guy with the bat is standing next to him.  Someone pours something on main guy with the bowl (I don't remember who) and he said he didn't care because it was his last day at this school...he was done, he was graduated.  This is when I started to try to leave.

I am trying to leave to get back to my house and ever turn I take it seems to be blocked.  I turn and climb across the cafateria food line and get into the dinning area and there is a glass wall blocking me so I have to go a different direction.  I end up taking a hall way that leads to the pool area were they are having a swim meet and I remember my best friend Russ from college is supposed to be on the team (he never really was in college) but I can't find him.  I finally get out of building and I am walking to wards the lake and forest that seperates the school from my house but I pass this campus security guard as I am leaving the building and he starts to follow me.  He grabs me and starts asking about the bad check I wrote to the school for $150,000.  I pull away and tell him he is crazy and I didn't write a check like that, and he grabs me again and keeps on and want let go. I grab his throat and try to choak him but he just laughs at me.  I don't have the strength to hurt him.  I finally get enough pressure on his wind pipe and he starts to gasp for air and lets me go.  I start to run but he gets up and comes after me again yelling about the check.  He grabs me again and I scream "rape" as loud as I can and it turns into this super high pitch sound.  Kind of like what I heard Tuesday at the healing.  It was like a siren going off and he then backed off and people turned around to look at me and see what what happening and then a cop came running over to help.  I took off running agian, just trying to get home....

I got to the entrance to the bridge that crosses over the lake to take me to my house and it was gone.  As I am standing there I realize that it is the last day of school (finals day) and they have taking down the bridge because they are closing down for the summer.  I then start to think if today was the last day of school then I have not gone to any of my final exam classes and so I have flunked all my classes this quarter.  I turn to run through the woods to get home and there is a bunch of police cars blocking the road back to my house and they tell me I have to walk all the way around the forest and I get pissed off.  I turn around start to walk the other way and I start thinking about what I am going to tell my mother about failing all my classes.  I can't even remember the last time I went to class, but I do remember passing some kind of PE class but nothing else.  I start to follow these other guys that are jumping the baricades and start following a path that some how leads me to top of a building and I am walking around trying to figure out how to get down so I a can continue to try to get home.  As I am doing this, I start to think how can I still be in college at the age of 42.  That how have I been in school for 24 years and still not passed yet, there is no way I can still be attending school, what is this some kind of life long job to just go to school.  I start trying to remember where all the years went and figure out if I am really 42 or did I forget something and really still only 24.  At the same time I am trying to figure out how I am going to tell my mom I didn't pass and how I am probably going to have to pay for the next quarter and trying to figure out where I am going to get the money to do it. The whole time I am alone. I open a door and get inside a tube that is winding downward counter clock wise and I start to slide down the tube trying to get to the bottom so I can get out of the building and continue my way home...all I want is to get home....then I woke up.

Well that is it, I have been working with Jack to help me analyze these dreams.  I have a few others that I will post soon.  I know this is something that is private but also something that maybe someone will read and understand it more then I do and drop me a line on what they are getting out of it.  I don't know if you can really understand it with out understanding me and the issues that are going on in my life right now.  I know Jack knows more about these issues so he has a better understanding of where some of this is coming from.  But the final analysis will have to come from with in myself, and I will have to be the one to sit down and understand what the universe is trying to tell me and act upon this...

Oh well, if anyone has any feed back, don't be afraid to drop me a line.

Changes

WOW...there has been so much going on lately that I have not had time to get anything done.  I have been so busy at work and so busy with  myself that this blog has suffered and I have not been able to add anything new to it in over a month.  I have decided to start adding my dreams to this so I will have a record of all the changes that are have been going on in my mind and soul.

I have discovered so much about my self over the past few months with the help and direction of my friend Jack and a few of his friends.  The love and compassion that Jack has shown me is more then I have ever experienced in my life.  It is something that is honest and true.  He challenges me in why that no friend has ever done.  He allow me to say what in my heart and head and allow me to get my feelings out and then helps me to understand them so I can move forward.  I have had good friends in the past but I have never really shared my feelings or emotions with them, I have just never felt very comfortable doing this with anyone.  Jack is different, he makes it easy to talk to him and telling him what is going on in my head, the fact is that he usually knows there is something wrong with me before I am willing to admit it.  He looks at me and asks me what is wrong, and even if I tell him I am "all good", he can see so far into my soul, he knows something is bothering me. Usually a while later what ever it is that he saw will surface and I will end up pouring my guts out to him.  He is always there to comfort me and listen, but more importantly he will not allow me to wallow in self pity.  He forces me to face what the real problem is and move past it. I know that sometimes he doesn't understand my feelings toward him, and to be honest sometimes I don't either, but I do know that they come from a place of true love and total respect for what he has done for me and what he given me over the past 8-9 months.  I have never had a friend like this, but it is something very special and something that I cherish so much right now.  He helps me to understand my feelings toward myself and to whats is going on around me and helps me to face my fears like no one else ever has.

I know in my heart that no matter what happens, he will always be there for me in any way that I need him.  The only thing that bothers me is, how do I repay so much love and understanding?  How do I give back to someone that gives so much of themselves to me?  I have told him that I will be there for him anytime he needs me or ask anything of me, but the thing is that he very rarely ask anything of me. I have told him over and over that my friendship for him has no limits on time or distance.  That when I commit to someone as a friend, I will always be there for that person 24/7 - 365 days a year.  It doesn't matter to me if we are 100's of miles apart and one day he calls me out of the blue, I am there. I really don't think he truly understands what I am saying when I tell him this, but it is exactly what I say it is, there is no mountain that I want climb for my friends and the ones that show me love.   I have helped him a little over the past couple of weeks with troubles with his car, but it is so small to what he has given me.  I guess that is the true definition of a friend...you take from each other what you need and you give to each other when it is needed.  Since we all have different needs in our lives on a day to day basis, the people that we truly call our friends will be the ones that will always stand by us.  They will be the ones that will get in our faces, but never turn their backs on us.  The ones that we can laugh and cry with and they will listen.  The ones that challenge us on a day to day basis and truly loves you for who you are and see who you can truly become.

This is not really where I was heading with this post, it just seemed to be what was weighing on my mind right now.  Jack sometimes reads this blog and if he happens to read this post, I hope he knows how much I love him and how much his love for me means to me. I also know if he does read this he will tell me to stop put him up on a pedestal, and really I am not.  I am just expressing the changes that are going on in my life and right now he happens to be a major influence in them. I know one day soon he will be moving on, and I think I am OK with that. One important things that I learned from him (after an emotional break down) was the difference between attachment and connection.  The ways to be connected to someone with true and pure love and kindness as apposed to be attached to someone that are more linked to fear and worry of loss.

Live in Love and not in Fear!!

I am learning each day new and exciting things about myself and ways to make my life greater.

Gowning UP!!

I started this blog to talk about the changes in my life over the past few months, and I will be doing that, but I have decided to use this as a personal journal and put all lot of my life experiances in here instead.  I will still be posting what is going on now with me but I want to talk about the things that brought me to this point in my life and how these changes have had such a huge effect on everything I am now and how much I have changed from what I was.  As you read (but you need to start from the bottom) you will see the changes in me and see how my confidence has grown....so now back to your regularly scheduled program.

I grew up in a small town in South Georgia with a mother that knew everything I did 24/7.  I had a very good life, very loving parents, stable life and was never really denied anything I ever wanted.  I was surrounded by love and affection my whole life, so why did I feel the need to hide who I really was?  Why was I so afraid to come out of the closet and tell my parents who I really was? Why did I spend some much time and energy stressing over what everyone would think of me when I knew they all loved me and all would except me? Why, Why, Why???

All through high school, I was deep in the closet and usually scared to death that someone would find out my secret.  I had three older brothers that all went to this same high school and all were football jocks and very popular.  Everyone knew the last name of my family and that made it very hard to be myself when everyone was looking for another person like my three brothers.  I didn't play football or baseball or basketball like they did, I played golf.  I was a very popular kid during my last couple of years in school and had a relativity good time considering I was lying to myself and to everyone else. By this time I had gotten very good at hiding myself from every one.  I learned how to avoid certain situations that might expose me. My biggest trick was that I learned how to flirt with girls with out actually ever asking one of them out. All my friends and parents always saw me around other girls but there was never anything going on.  I was so sacred of someone finding out my secret that once I had a male friend of mine make a pass at me while we were at Pizza Hut with two other friends.  We were sitting on the same side of the booth together and he started rubbing my leg under the table, and I was so scared that they (all three of them) were playing a joke on me to see how I would react that I pushed his hand away and laughed it off.  He never did it again and to this day I have never asked him about it.  I have tried to look him up, his mom told me he lived in Atlanta some place, but I have never been able to find him.

When it came down to time for me to pick a college to go to, I turned down the college I really wanted to go to so I could go to one that was more off the radar of my parents. I grew up a huge UGA fan and always wanted to go to school there, but I was to scared to go because my mother had a hot line on everything that was going on at this school.  She knew the parents of all my friends that went to school there and it only made my parinoia grow, so I chose a smaller school called Georgia Southern University, and that is were I spent the next 8 years of my life.  That is were I met my first boyfriend.  That is where I met my first life long best friend.  That is also were I fell in love for the first time with someone that I could never have because he was striaght.

When I got to college I spent the first year living in a dorm with a boy everyone called Buddy.  He was a year older then I was and we did OK as roommates, but we never really got along that well.  He ended up getting a girl friend and she ended up spending more time in our little dorm room then I did, so I decided to change rooms.  This was when I started to learn that as a Gemini I had power to munipulate my surroundings and get people to do what I wanted them to do.  One night during a fire drill in the door, I saw this other boy in the doom and decided that this was the person that I wanted to live with instead of Buddy and his girlfriend.  So by the end of the first quarter, I had a new roommate.  It happened so fast and so easy, I was astonished.

I went through the rest of the year living with Scott and got to know all his friends but they were all straight so I was till hiding in the closet.  At the end of the first year I got a job working as a pizza delivery guy and rented a place on campus with a friend of a friend and decided to spend this time trying to firgure out what I was doing and what I was going to do.  Over the summer I made a few new friends at the pizza place but once again they were all striaght.  Now please don't think I have a problem with straight guys but I was really in need to meet up with some gay people for once.  I was a 20 year old male that had never known (or that I knew of) any other gay people in my life.

The start of the next year was where my life changed in fantastic ways and really bad ways.  I met my best friend, and I also fell head over heals in love for the first time, but the problem was that they were the same person and this person was straight.  His name was Russ and I met him on a racqet ball court one day in the rain.  He was playing alone and me and Scott showed up and there was something that about him that drew me to him and I had to get to know him.  Scott got mad and left and took my car home and my little plan was set into place.  I stayed behind and played with Russ in the rain for a few more hours and then he took me home.  I asked him if he wanted to go get some dinner and he agreed so after he dropped me off, I took a shower and headed to his dorm room to pick him up.  We ate and hung out all night long and everything kind of took off from there.

By the end of the quarter, we were never apart except in class and to sleep.  We studied together, we ate together, we played together..if you saw Ross (that is the name I used to go by) you would see Russ. As all this continued to happened, I learned what Russ was about and knew he was straight but I fell in love with him the very first time I layed eyes on him.  There was nothing I could do, there was nothing I could feel expect the need to be with Russ.  He became my world so fast that I really didn't know how to handle it, and since I still had not meet any other gay people (this was before the internet), I had no one to talk about my feelings with, so I just kept them bottled up on the inside.  The more time I spent with him, the more empty I became. My need for love from the outside of myself was tearing down the person on the inside. By the summer time, we were living together and I had gotten him a job at the place where I was working, now we were really never apart.  I also introduced him to one of my life long girl friends and to my own regrets they fell in love and started dating.

After they started dating my whole life went into the trash. I went into a serious depression and nothing or no one could bring me out, well one person could, but he was to busy with his girlfriend.   I was no longer the center point of his life, he now had another person to focus his attention on, but that left me completely alone, or so I thought.  My mind was all over the place and I was looking any place I could to find something...anything.  Well this is when it finally happened, a boy was hired at work that turned out to be GAY!!  When I first met him, I just had a feeling that he was gay, so I put my Gemini powers to work again and decided to real him into me like a spider with a fly, and I did.  I now had my first boyfriend, and I though the world would open up and all things would be golden from now on.  I was wrong, no matter what I did, or what amount of time I spent with Daman, there was still a hole in my life that only Russ could fill.  No matter how much time I would spend with Daman, I would always be thinking about Russ and what he was doing with his girlfriend.  This is when I really went over the deep end.

I made the conquence decision to break up with a boy that really liked me, I don't want to say love becuase I am not sure if we ever got that far, and start dating a girl so I could spend more time with Russ and his girlfriend.  I thought that if I had a girlfriend, then we could double date and I would get to spend time with Russ again, man I was fucked in the head.  I through away something that could have been special and was using a girl all just to fill my own personal fantasy to be loved by Russ.  I don't know where my head was at this time in my life.  I was really messed up!!

I spent 3 years with this girl until I came to the reilazation of who I really was and that is when I decided that I had to move and San Francisco was going to be the spot. I took a weeks vacation and flew out there all by myself and spent the time just exploring and trying to decide if I could do this on my own.  I thought that the only way that I can get over Russ is to get away from Russ.  I knew this other girl at school that had two gay friends so once again I used my Gemini powers and made her my friend and then made both of her friends my friends and then made one of them my boyfriend and we all deiced to pack up and move to San Francisco together. It all happened so quick and seemed to happen so easy.  By this time I had already graduated from college and had my degree and was ready to take on the world.  I had my new boyfriend, I had two good friends, I had gay friends, we had great plans for the future and we were all going to do this together.

I was on my way.....