Yesterday was not a bad day, it was not a great day, but it was not bad. I got to spend the day with the person I love most in my life and I got to learn a new lesson for myself.
Over the past couple of weeks I have reveled more of my inner feelings and thoughts to the one person that fills my every thought of every second of every day and I have started to learn how to deal with the pain and accept the true reality of what is facing me. I have started to come to a place that is accepting of and understanding of what our relationship really is. I am seeing our relationship in both our eyes now instead of just my own and this has been very hard. Seeing the other persons point of view and learning to accept this, is something that I didn't want to do, but by doing it is only strengthening or relationship because it is putting it on an more even playing field. It is helping to make us both equals in the relationship and helping to stop me from being so crazy every day. Even though I might have deep inter thoughts of us being a couple one day, I am seeing that this never and will never be the case. I can hope and pray and wish all I want, but this is not something that is ever going to happen.
I tell my self that I love him and respect him, but none of this is true if I don't listen to him. If I don't hear him telling me what his true feelings are and understand what his true passions are, then I am not respecting him or loving him, I am trying to control him. When you have in your life someone that you think you love more then anyone you have ever met, someone that you think of the first thing when you wake up and the last thing as you fall asleep and a 1000 times in between through out the day, what do you do? How do you handle this and how do you make it stop? Do you really want to make it stop? Is it a good thing or a bad thing that you are so attached to this person that they dominate your ever waking thought? That you put all your friends and all things that you normally do on hold, because spending time with him is more important to you then anything or anyone else. It doesn't matter if are just watching tv or watching him play video games, the shear fact that you are with him is all that matters, and you know that even if you did go off with someone else, you would end up texting him a dozen times or more through out the night until you go home again. You will text him and share ever single thing that happens and you can't wait to tell him everything that is going on with you through out the night. You tell yourself that he really wants to hear everything that is happening, because that is how you feel when he is out, but is this true? Does he really want a blow by blow detail of your night or are you just easing your own pain of loss because part of you is telling you that you should be home with him instead of out doing what you are doing, while part of you is telling you that being out is a good thing? It doesn't bother you if he goes off and sees his friends or if he stays the night at friends, but you feel loss or a since of guilt if you go off and do things with others and leave him home alone. Where does this guilt and thought pattern come from? How do you stop it? What good does this pattern serve either of you and even though you see it, why can't stop it?
Well the answer to all these questions is NO!! It is not good to allow someone to dominate every waking thought of your day. It is not good to feel guilty for not spending every free second of your day with him. It is not good if I don't have the will power to spend time apart. It is not good for me and it is not good for him and it is good for your relationship. If I am ever going to truly love someone and honestly respect them, I have to be open with them; and more importantly I have to love myself and be honest with myself. I can make up excuses all day on why I do what I do. Trying to save money, trying to learn more about him, trying to learn more about myself, are all true to a large extent, but honestly I am scared. I still don't believe in myself and I still don't feel I am worthy of all the love he shares with me and I am scared of leaving him. This is not love, this is attachment!! Don't miss understand, I really enjoy spending my days with him, I enjoy just chillin' at the house and doing nothing, I enjoy watching him play video games and having him share his thoughts on what is going on. I honestly do enjoy ever second we are together. But the fact that when something else comes up and I push it off just so I can do these things is not healthy. It is not healthy for me or for your friendship. As I am sitting here right now and typing all this out, I am thinking of how he is going to react to this when he reads it. I am thinking about what is the best way to say what is honestly on my mind with out saying something that will upset him. I tell myself that his happiness is the only thing that matters to me and when he does finally meet someone that fills his heart on a passionate level like I wish I could, then I will handle the pain and I will be OK with this. I know this is not true. I know that on the surface I will show happiness for him but deeper down inside me, I will be filled with jealousy and hatred for whom ever has taken what was never mine to start with. If I am gong to love him the way I say I do, I have to let all this go. This is not love, it is control and fear and not healthy. I have to be honest with all this and just say it and let it all be understood to myself. I have to see this for what it is...ATTACHMENT NOT LOVE!
As I was reading back through all this, I noticed a running theme. I was using "YOU" in stead of "I" in most of the posting. I was writing it as I was telling someone else what to do and not to do. Essentially I was hiding behind my own advise. I am writing all this to make me face my own emotions and fears of what I think is lacking in my life, but I am missing the point. I am still not facing up to what is going on inside me. This is all about me and what I am dealing with and when I use "you" in 90% of the post, I am not facing anything, I am putting up more smoke and mirrors like I have always done. Trying to tell others how to live their lives but not doing it myself, basically I am being a hypocrite. I went back and changed everything so it reflects back onto myself and puts it all back on my plate. Now moving on....
I am good person and I honestly truly do love this man with all my heart, but I have to let him go. I have to respect his feelings as well as respect my own. He loves me more then anyone ever has and he shows this love to me every single day, but the fact is...he is straight and that is not going to change. He has a love for me that is beyond special but on his end he is CONNECTED to me, and my end, I am ATTACHED to him. I have to get to this place in our friendship. I have to let him go and stop being attached but keep this connection we have formed and this bond that is growing between us. I have to stop reading into things that are not there and stop thinking he can fill my emptiness inside me. Only I can fill this pain and emptiness and the funny thing is that as soon as I let him go, I think that most of this emptiness will be filled. Right now it is staying empty because I am not accepting what he is giving me and I am not accepting myself for all the love that I have to share with him or anyone else. If I could step back and detach and love myself half as much what I tell myself that I love him, my world would change in so many great ways.
This is the lesson that I learned last night, while I already knew all of this and have had it repeated to me over and over, I was still hiding. Some things that were said and one specific thing that happened yesterday, has finally brought this into the light for me. I have everything I need from him or could honestly ever what from someone that loves you, (trust, honestly, caring, concern, giving, sharing, openness, strength, weakness, vulnerability, compassion, vision, insight and a true feeling of him wanting me to be a better person), there is nothing else. These are aspects that can last an eternity and survive even if we are thousands of miles apart. I will get to this place, I will continue to detach myself from him and I will have his love in my life for as long as I live. This is a great start and moving forward now is going to have some hard times, but I will make it through, the cost of not succeeding is way to great and prize that waiting on the other side is my own self awareness and enlightenment.
So now it is time to start a new day and make new strides in my own personal life.
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