TWO PIECES OF THE PUZZLE

Whats up blogger world....

Its another day in my ever changing life, usually pretty good and some times pretty sad.  I always try to keep my head up and look to the bright side of things and let the bad things pass me by. This is something my dad always tried to tell me when I was little, it does you no good to focus on the bad things in life, they are always going to be there so you might as well do everything you can to block them out.  Some times it is easier then you think and some times it is almost impossible.  I guess I have always had a pretty good life, most kids would have died to have the family and parents I had, it is just to bad that I didn't see that at the time.  I always wanted someone else's life, always wanted to be some place else and be living someone else's life.  I always felt like that growing up in small town and being GAY, I was missing out on everything.  While this is partly true, the things I missed out on ended up being my own fault.  I was the one that chose to hide and run scared in my life.  I was the one that chose not to stand up for myself and tell everyone who and what I really was and I was the one that chose to miss out on so many great things growing up.

I can't sit here and say that my life was bad, but it was far from it. It was very materialistic and I was spoiled as a child. I usually got most anything I ever wanted, when ever I wanted, but I was loved very much by my family.  I had three big brothers that protected me and I had two parents that lived together for over 50 years til my dad passed away.  My mom is still alive and I do everything I can to make her proud of me and show her that she did a good job raising me.  I love my brothers and my parents, I just wish I could love my self as much.

I have this crazy instinct that draws me to certain people. People that I wish I could have been like, people that fascinate me and really push my limits.  If you don't push me and you don't challenge me, then even if I do become friends with you I will usually fade away.  I am always looking for that special person that I think is going to fill my soul with all these wonderful things and make the sun shine brighter and the birds sound sweeter, but it never seems to happen.  When I do find someone that I think might be that person, something is just a little off that never allows it to come to pass.  I am learning now that it is not the people that I am finding that is failing me, it is me that is failing me.  I have learned (the hard way) that it is only me that will fill me up with sun shine and make the birds sound sweeter. I have to be the one that is over flowing with before I can actually find someone else.  I have to be whole, I have to be complete with myself and love my self before I can ever expect some one else to love me.  If you look at this this way, why would you want to spend you time with and energy on someone that doesn't love them self and is only going to drain your energy to try to fill themselves up.  If they still have holes in their hearts and souls, then all the energy that they are draining from you will never fill them up, it will only seep out of the open woulds and open holes in their lives.  You will end up just as empty as they are be the time you come to your senses and move on with your life.  So I have to fill my own holes and patch my own wounds and then allow myself to fill all the way up with all the love I can give myself, then go and see what happens.

Life is funny and amazing, there are so many people in life that you come across every day and you never know who you are going to run into.  You never know who you are going to connect with, weather it be a boy or girl or young or old, there is just something that will draw you to certain people.  You don't know what it is, you can try to analysis it and try to figure it out, but what good will that do, it is going to do what ever it is going to do (IT, referring to your soul or spirit).  You can't control it and if you could, would you want to.  The universe sends you things when you need them, it provides for us when were are at different crossroads in our lives.  When we need support and love, it will send someone that will understand us and if things work out the way they are supposed to that person that shows up in your life is also looking for something or missing something and you will have what that person is missing.  Now if you tried to control what and who you were to come in contact with each day, then you would only be getting half the story.  You would only be getting what you need and you would not have the piece of the puzzle that they need and this is a very important thing.  You both have to have the each others missing pieces for the the puzzle to be complete.  That is the funny thing about the universe, it sees what you can't see, you just have to except what it sends to you when it sends it to you.  The tricky part is figuring out how both your pieces fit together.

There are many times that two separate pieces of puzzle were brought together by the universe and instead of them trying to figure out how they fit together by listening with their heart and not with their ego, they would wonder off with out ever fitting them together.  You just lost a chance to learn something new about yourself and learn something new about someone else.  You lost a chance to connect with someone on a level that few know about and few will ever be patience enough to wait and see what happens.  Some times when you feel like you are giving more then the other side is giving, you have to stop and think, don't react.  You step back and see if what you are seeing is true or just your ego talking to you, you will usually find (well me personally) that this is not the case.  I am giving what I need to be giving at this moment, and the other person is excepting my gifts, but when I step back and look at it without the ego being in control, I see myself receiving so much in return. I am receiving exactly what I need at that moment, and with time and love, I receive more then I ever gave.  I get more back in return then I felt like I ever gave out.  What we give and what we receive are immaterial, there is no definition to what we need at any given time.  It could be money, material things, support, love, stability, or just someone to allow you to cry and listen and never judge.  The list is endless, but this is how the funny shaped pieces of the puzzle fit together. You look at them and turn them over and flip them around but with time and patience and love and understanding, you figure out how they fit together and all of the sudden all those empty holes in you soul and heart start to get filled by these little pieces of the the puzzle.

Sammy