I have been on such an emotional roller coaster ride over the past few months that I am getting sick of it. My emotions are not only on my sleeve, but they are all the way down my arm, and it drives me insane some times. One little thing or one little word will set me off on a completely different directions without even thinking about it. I can be in such a good place and one word (no matter how it is meant) will stick in my head and lock onto every thought that comes my way, its like poison. I don't know if there is anyone else out there that is this way...but I know I am. I have been trying so hard to move past these type of emotions and I have been working so hard to make myself stronger for those that I care about and love so I don't fall into this same old trap, but I did it again. It's like a nightmare merry-go-round that I can't seem to get off. How can I ever be strong for others if I can't be strong for myself. I have come so far in learning to love myself and who I am, but I will let one little thing turn things around. I guess I am not as far as I thought I was.
Well you might be asking what set me off? Well I was in such a good place for the past few weeks and last night something was said in passing and BOOM...here we are. Someone that I really care about is having issues with his friends regarding all the time that me and him (he is straight) spend together. He just mentioned this in passing last night. He said he didn't care what they think, and I know inside that he really doesn't, but it really got to me. I know how he feels about me and about our friendship and I know how I feel, but it is eating away at me. I really care for this person and I really don't want to cause him any trouble with his friends, I want to be strong for him the way he has always been strong for me. He has been so much stronger for me over these past few months than I have ever been for him. He is such a rock when it comes to knowing who he is, or what he is doing, but when some one you care about says they are having a problem with something, you just want to help in some way. He told me not to worry about it, "HE" would get through this.
I don't know...I just don't want him to have any problems, I guess it's me, but I want to protect those that I care about. I guess it's just me putting others before myself, which is something I have always done. I don't really care what his friends think about me, I just don't want them giving him shit (even if it is in fun) about our friendship. I offered to lay low for a while, but I don't think that is the right thing to do either, hiding is what I have been doing most of my life. I know he doesn't want me to lay low, and I know he really doesn't care what others think of him, but I do. Its fucked up!!
I have to be strong for him and that is all that matters. I have to be the friend that he deserves. I have to be the friend that he has been for me. I have to stand strong and tall and not fear anything or anyone. I have to be proud of our friendship and the love I have for him. "WE" have to get through this together and move forward.
What are real friends for anyway? Why do we have friends? Who do you look at and say "you are my friend"? To me it is a very very personal thing. If I am going to call someone a friend you really have to be special to me. I have tons of people I know, but very few people that I call friends and communicate with. Pretty much when I get to the point that I consider you a friend of mine, I am on call for you 24/7 no matter what. There is pretty much no mountain that I want climb for you or no ends of the earth that I want travel to help you if you are ever in need. We can be out of touch for 20 years and one call and I am at your side as fast as I can get there. I will be the shoulder for you to cry on, I will be the ear for you chew on or the person sitting in the corner if you just don't want to be alone, I will be your dinner mate, I will be your drinking mate and anything in-between. This person is truly my friend and I cherish our friendship and I will do anything I can to help him, no matter what he feels he needs to do.
You have to be strong for your friends when they need you and sometimes you have to be weak and relay on your friends to hold you up. Its a balancing act, you have to trust each other and not be afraid of opening up your heart and sharing your emotions and showing the raw nasty dirty side of you that you try to keep locked down. He has seen my raw nasty dirty side, more times then I would have liked, but he has always been there for me know matter what fucked up state my emotions were in, I just hope I can be as strong for him when he is ready.
