I started this blog to talk about the changes in my life over the past few months, and I will be doing that, but I have decided to use this as a personal journal and put all lot of my life experiances in here instead. I will still be posting what is going on now with me but I want to talk about the things that brought me to this point in my life and how these changes have had such a huge effect on everything I am now and how much I have changed from what I was. As you read (but you need to start from the bottom) you will see the changes in me and see how my confidence has grown....so now back to your regularly scheduled program.
I grew up in a small town in South Georgia with a mother that knew everything I did 24/7. I had a very good life, very loving parents, stable life and was never really denied anything I ever wanted. I was surrounded by love and affection my whole life, so why did I feel the need to hide who I really was? Why was I so afraid to come out of the closet and tell my parents who I really was? Why did I spend some much time and energy stressing over what everyone would think of me when I knew they all loved me and all would except me? Why, Why, Why???
All through high school, I was deep in the closet and usually scared to death that someone would find out my secret. I had three older brothers that all went to this same high school and all were football jocks and very popular. Everyone knew the last name of my family and that made it very hard to be myself when everyone was looking for another person like my three brothers. I didn't play football or baseball or basketball like they did, I played golf. I was a very popular kid during my last couple of years in school and had a relativity good time considering I was lying to myself and to everyone else. By this time I had gotten very good at hiding myself from every one. I learned how to avoid certain situations that might expose me. My biggest trick was that I learned how to flirt with girls with out actually ever asking one of them out. All my friends and parents always saw me around other girls but there was never anything going on. I was so sacred of someone finding out my secret that once I had a male friend of mine make a pass at me while we were at Pizza Hut with two other friends. We were sitting on the same side of the booth together and he started rubbing my leg under the table, and I was so scared that they (all three of them) were playing a joke on me to see how I would react that I pushed his hand away and laughed it off. He never did it again and to this day I have never asked him about it. I have tried to look him up, his mom told me he lived in Atlanta some place, but I have never been able to find him.
When it came down to time for me to pick a college to go to, I turned down the college I really wanted to go to so I could go to one that was more off the radar of my parents. I grew up a huge UGA fan and always wanted to go to school there, but I was to scared to go because my mother had a hot line on everything that was going on at this school. She knew the parents of all my friends that went to school there and it only made my parinoia grow, so I chose a smaller school called Georgia Southern University, and that is were I spent the next 8 years of my life. That is were I met my first boyfriend. That is where I met my first life long best friend. That is also were I fell in love for the first time with someone that I could never have because he was striaght.
When I got to college I spent the first year living in a dorm with a boy everyone called Buddy. He was a year older then I was and we did OK as roommates, but we never really got along that well. He ended up getting a girl friend and she ended up spending more time in our little dorm room then I did, so I decided to change rooms. This was when I started to learn that as a Gemini I had power to munipulate my surroundings and get people to do what I wanted them to do. One night during a fire drill in the door, I saw this other boy in the doom and decided that this was the person that I wanted to live with instead of Buddy and his girlfriend. So by the end of the first quarter, I had a new roommate. It happened so fast and so easy, I was astonished.
I went through the rest of the year living with Scott and got to know all his friends but they were all straight so I was till hiding in the closet. At the end of the first year I got a job working as a pizza delivery guy and rented a place on campus with a friend of a friend and decided to spend this time trying to firgure out what I was doing and what I was going to do. Over the summer I made a few new friends at the pizza place but once again they were all striaght. Now please don't think I have a problem with straight guys but I was really in need to meet up with some gay people for once. I was a 20 year old male that had never known (or that I knew of) any other gay people in my life.
The start of the next year was where my life changed in fantastic ways and really bad ways. I met my best friend, and I also fell head over heals in love for the first time, but the problem was that they were the same person and this person was straight. His name was Russ and I met him on a racqet ball court one day in the rain. He was playing alone and me and Scott showed up and there was something that about him that drew me to him and I had to get to know him. Scott got mad and left and took my car home and my little plan was set into place. I stayed behind and played with Russ in the rain for a few more hours and then he took me home. I asked him if he wanted to go get some dinner and he agreed so after he dropped me off, I took a shower and headed to his dorm room to pick him up. We ate and hung out all night long and everything kind of took off from there.
By the end of the quarter, we were never apart except in class and to sleep. We studied together, we ate together, we played together..if you saw Ross (that is the name I used to go by) you would see Russ. As all this continued to happened, I learned what Russ was about and knew he was straight but I fell in love with him the very first time I layed eyes on him. There was nothing I could do, there was nothing I could feel expect the need to be with Russ. He became my world so fast that I really didn't know how to handle it, and since I still had not meet any other gay people (this was before the internet), I had no one to talk about my feelings with, so I just kept them bottled up on the inside. The more time I spent with him, the more empty I became. My need for love from the outside of myself was tearing down the person on the inside. By the summer time, we were living together and I had gotten him a job at the place where I was working, now we were really never apart. I also introduced him to one of my life long girl friends and to my own regrets they fell in love and started dating.
After they started dating my whole life went into the trash. I went into a serious depression and nothing or no one could bring me out, well one person could, but he was to busy with his girlfriend. I was no longer the center point of his life, he now had another person to focus his attention on, but that left me completely alone, or so I thought. My mind was all over the place and I was looking any place I could to find something...anything. Well this is when it finally happened, a boy was hired at work that turned out to be GAY!! When I first met him, I just had a feeling that he was gay, so I put my Gemini powers to work again and decided to real him into me like a spider with a fly, and I did. I now had my first boyfriend, and I though the world would open up and all things would be golden from now on. I was wrong, no matter what I did, or what amount of time I spent with Daman, there was still a hole in my life that only Russ could fill. No matter how much time I would spend with Daman, I would always be thinking about Russ and what he was doing with his girlfriend. This is when I really went over the deep end.
I made the conquence decision to break up with a boy that really liked me, I don't want to say love becuase I am not sure if we ever got that far, and start dating a girl so I could spend more time with Russ and his girlfriend. I thought that if I had a girlfriend, then we could double date and I would get to spend time with Russ again, man I was fucked in the head. I through away something that could have been special and was using a girl all just to fill my own personal fantasy to be loved by Russ. I don't know where my head was at this time in my life. I was really messed up!!
I spent 3 years with this girl until I came to the reilazation of who I really was and that is when I decided that I had to move and San Francisco was going to be the spot. I took a weeks vacation and flew out there all by myself and spent the time just exploring and trying to decide if I could do this on my own. I thought that the only way that I can get over Russ is to get away from Russ. I knew this other girl at school that had two gay friends so once again I used my Gemini powers and made her my friend and then made both of her friends my friends and then made one of them my boyfriend and we all deiced to pack up and move to San Francisco together. It all happened so quick and seemed to happen so easy. By this time I had already graduated from college and had my degree and was ready to take on the world. I had my new boyfriend, I had two good friends, I had gay friends, we had great plans for the future and we were all going to do this together.
I was on my way.....
