Isn't there a saying that the definitions of crazy is to do the same thing over and over again, thinking you will finally get a different result. Repeating the same patterns each day and getting up each day looking at the same thing and hoping beyond hope that one day you will finally get what you want, but always knowing in the back of your head that it will never change. Knowing that no matter what you do, it doesn't matter to the one that you are doing it for, that in many ways you don't matter and never will.
Trying to be the best person that you know how to be and trying to hide what is really killing you deep inside and keep moving forward and keep the pain pushed so deep down you knowing that nothing that you are doing it ever going to make a difference is the way I spend most of my days. You have to realize that you have to do for you and you can't do for others not matter how much you love or how much they mean to me. You can't allow the feelings of others effect how you see you every day. Even thought I don't allow others to effect how I feel about myself, because I know who I am and I know what I want, it only effects how I feel in general. I react to the responses that I get when I put something out there and usually it is not the response I want. I will try to make some kind of since of it or rationalize it to work out for me so I can deal with it or pretend that I didn't know what happened. Look the other way and turn the other cheek over and over and over and over again just so I don't face what is sitting right in front of you face. This is the shit that I go through each and every day of my life right now.
I want the pain to go away, and I want to move on so bad and I want to just get pissed off and tell him to fuck off, but I can't do it, I NEED him to much. It doesn't matter to me about anything else, I live to serve him in my own mind, he is all that matters to me. I live to take care of him no matter how much he needs or how much pain I feel inside from rejection. When he takes control of me and calls me "Bitch" and "Cum Whore" or anything like this and tells me what I am going to do for him (nothing ever sexual), I am totally lost and can't do anything but agree. When he does go to this place, in a twisted way, I feel like I belong to him. I feel like he really wants me and I want him to want me more then I want to breath. I want him to use me and take control of me and let me take care of him in every way. It feels me with so much pleasure to see him happy, but only as long as I am part of what is going on.
What he doesn't realize this, this is what makes me happy. I know he doesn't understand why and he doesn't want me to feel this way (not just about him but with anyone), but it is really what I want. I really want him to be in control. It really want this to happen. I honestly want this to happen. I want him to control me and take me for his own. I really don't care is he loves women and if he goes off with them on certain weekends, I just want to be dominated by him and him alone. No one else can make me feel this way, only him. I only want to be dominated by him.
No matter how much energy that I put into this I know it will never ever work out the way I want it to because I can't control how he is going to react and what he has going on inside him. This is not a movie and there is no happy ending, no matter how much I want it to be. Some times you have to ask yourself a few questions...Are they ready to face what you are putting in their face? Are they ready to face what is going on inside of themselves? Are they ready to see what you see in them? Usually the answer is to all these questions is no. If you are in this spot in your life, the only thing you can do is walk away or shut up and deal with the pain. I choose the pain because I can't live with out him! When he does decided to leave me, it will be a very dark day in my life.
