I have been thinking a lot about where I am heading and how I am going to get there. I used to always be a loner and wasn't afraid to do things out on my own and actually I preferred it that way. I have come to realize that I really didn't enjoy it so much as did it to keep anyone from getting to close to me and find out that I was gay. Fear has run my life for so long, I don't really remember what else there is...until now.
Now is the time to stand up and scream. Now is the time to take control of my fear and force it out of my life. Fear has no place in my life. The funny thing is that the fear that I carry around with me has nothing to do with what your normal average person would have fears from or nothing that I have feared in the past. I don't fear for money, I don't fear for a job, I don't fear for a roof over my head, I don't fear for my health, I don't fear for what other people think of me, I don't fear that people will find out I am gay, and I don't even fear for death. My fear comes from a place deep inside that I should easily be able to rationalize away, but I know I want do this, and it does me no good to not do so.
When someone comes into your life and completely changes how you look at yourself and the world around you. They have the ability to bring a smile to your face with just a single word, and will listen to you no matter what the problem is or what time of day or night it is. Someone that you know is just there for you no matter what and can tell when you are down or having a problem with out you having to tell them, and then has enough care for you in their heart to dig into the problem to find out what it is. Now most of us have friends that care about us to a certain extent, but this is different. This is someone that makes me what to be a better person every day of my life. He is one of the most special people that I have ever had the privileged to meet and now he is moving away. As much as I know in my heart that this will not change our friendship at all, my head keeps telling me that it will. When I say I know it will effect it, I know the love he has for me will not diminish, but since we will be so far apart, things will change..that is the way of life and this my fear. Its not a fear of change, its not a fear of abandonment, its guess the more I write this the less it really seems like a fear at all. I guess maybe it is just a "feeling" of loss not a fear of anything. I am not scared that he is changing his life, I am just selfish in my own wants and needs that I don't want him to leave, and that is wrong.
The universe is all about change, the universe brought him into my life when I really needed him and now it is taking him away. The friendship that we have formed is one of the strongest friendships I have ever known. He has come into my life like a tornado and thrown everything around. He has shaken up my entire world and set me out on a new direction, a new path and new life, but I guess that was his purpose. I guess we all have a purpose in this vast universe and we all will touch certain peoples lives in very special and wonderful ways, and it is safe to say that he has touched mine in more incredible and wonderful ways that I can count. I hope that I have learned enough form all that we have experienced together and I will be able to take the joy and happiness that he has planted in my heart and be able to effect someone else's life as much as he has done mine.
The reason I started this blog was to be able to express my feelings and get my emotions out. To try to help me to understand all that is going on inside of my head and heart. In just these short few paragraphs, I have come to the understanding that I really don't have a fear of him leaving, only a feeling of loss for my friend moving on. He is moving on to something special and wonderful for himself, and I know I will be a part of it, he has taught me that much. I have nothing but happiness for him in the hope that everything works out the way he wants it to. I am truly in he corner no matter what decision he makes because that is what a true friend is and that is what a true friend would do. I will always love him with all my heart and soul, and somehow I know I have loved him for 100's of years and I will continue to love him well past this life time. All I can do now is to stand up and stand beside my friend and be what ever he needs me to be to help him take the next monumental step on his own path in life...and that is what I will do.
No Fear...
No Pain...
No Regrets...
Only Happiness and Joy and Love and maybe a few tears.
I love you Robin.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Tarot Card Reading
.Aries:
Knight of Wands-An indication of the arrival of someone important coming into your life
The picture on this card is of a man on a horse swiftly charging through the day with fearless abandon. He has a mission and knows exactly where he is going. Sometimes this card can indicate the arrival of someone important coming into your life, or it can signal the hasty departure of someone from your life. If you are expecting someone to arrive, they will do so very quickly. If you sense that someone wants out, they will leave just as quickly. This can also signal some type of emergency, though not necessarily too serious of an event that has speeded up. Perhaps someone is admitted to hospital and you have to get there quickly. There is unlikely to be any serious problems stem from this event, just that the matter had to be dealt with as soon as possible, without any delays, such as an appendix attack, for example. If you are single, it can mean your next lover is just around the corner and you will find this person to be very warm and responsible. He or she may be born under an Earth sign, such as Taurus, Virgo or Capricorn.
Taurus:The Fool-journey of unique and unknown destination. Innocent of life and will have to learn by his own mistakes. He is a wanderer, with great enthusiasm for l ife and for love
This card show a young man walking towards a cliff edge with a long rod leaning over his shoulder. On the end of the rod appears to be a handkerchief holding all his worldly possessions. following beside him is a small white dog. He is oblivious to what pitfalls may lay before him. He is on a journey of discovery. He is curious and adventurous. He wants to know everything and is keen to look, learn and discover what ever life is going to teach him. He is innocent of life and will probably make many mistakes but will learn by his own mistakes. He is young and open minded with a desire to have many new experiences so that he can get a taste of life and decide what it is that he really wants He does not yet know what the world will bring, nor what his unique destiny is, but he will soon find out.
GeminiThree of Swords-Three people may be involved in a dispute or go their separate ways
This is a minor arcana card, however, when its energies manifest, it can seem like a major event at the time, due to its intensity and how it makes you fell. The card symbolically shows three swords, on dripping with blood, with represents pain and distress. Often a separation from someone occurs at this time or some kind of friction of dispute. It often feels quite tormenting and hurtful at the time and is difficult to get through while this feeling last. Three people may be involved in a dispute or go their separate ways, or become involved in a emotional tug of war.
CancerWheel of Fortune - This card can bring about an unusual turn of events that are quite fortunate for you
This card can bring an unusual turn of events that are quite fortunate for you, but that you are finally taking the lead in the direction of your own life and your ultimate destiny. This card suggests not so much that events happen to you, but rather that you instigate many major changes to bring about a new life with new challenges and renewed hope. You may decide to leave a job, leave a partner, or go oversees and the decisions you make with regards to these will be so swift hat you will alter some people's impressions that you were once a stable and slow mover. Now all things must change, and change swiftly. Opportunities can arise thick and fast and leave you gasping for air between this offer and that. don't allow anyone to push you into anything you are unsure of
Leo:Two of Cups - Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you, the birth of a child or a new found love.
The picture on this card shows a man and a woman looking at each other and each one has a cup in the left hand and they are making a toast. There are some heavy black clouds in the background and these may indicate a period of time, such as further in the distance, or in the past. Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you. The number two can represent time as in days, weeks or months and this may indicate when the encounter will take place. The woman may also become pregnant early on in the relationship, or if a married couple have been trying and this has been delayed or hindered in some way, now it may eventuate. Also there can be a celebration of some kind and this of course could indicate the celebration of the birth of a child. If you are single and looking for romance, then it may be on its way and you could find this person proves to be your soulmate.
Virgo:Queen of Wands - You may also be about to meet someone very special with whom you fall in love and marry
The picture on this card is of a woman wearing a crown and beautiful clothes and a robe, with a wand in one hand and a lovely golden sunflower in the other. There is an abundance of green leaves around the flower and the wand. She looks serene and calm. She is obviously a woman of considerable power and influence. She also appears warm and welcoming. She has lovely blonde hair and blue eyes. She displays an air of sophistication and strength. If you are this woman then you have truly found your destiny. If this is the woman you are about to become, then rest assured your future is secure and you will find all of your needs met. You may also be about to meet someone very special with whom you fall in love with and marry. This may develop during the warmer months of the year, as in Spring or Summer. If this is someone you know, then value her friendship, for she is loyal and trustworthy. If you are a male, you may meet this woman through a friend and become involved with her in a romantic relationship. If you are a young person, this person could be your mother or a teacher, or both.
Libra:The World - Travel is often associated with this card, new found freedom is just around the corner. You may also expect that your situation will improve quite dramatically in the near future and you are able to explore life with more energy and enthusiasm.
The World. This card shows a woman standing in the centre of the card and all she is wearing is a piece of cloth draped around her body leaving her breasts bare. She is apparently dancing and has a wand of some type in each hand. She has long brown hair and is carefree and open about herself and her motives. There is a wreath of leaves and ribbon surrounding her and behind this is the bull, lion, eagle and the head of a male figure. These represent the four fixed signs of the zodiac which are Taurus, Leo, Scorpio and Aquarius. These signs may very well be symbolic of someone in your life already who is having a huge influence on you, or it can represent someone coming into your life who is born under one of these signs of the zodiac. Travel is often associated with this card, as it can mean travelling the world and meeting many people on your journey. It is also a card of freedom which is indicated by the woman being almost naked. If you wish to be free of some limiting circumstance and then you draw this card, chances are you new found freedom is just around the corner. You may also expect that your situation will improve quite dramatically in the near future and you are able to explore life with more energy and enthusiasm. Circumstance can alter so quickly that you basically blink and then discover you have a new life opening up to you.
Scorpio:The High Priestess - Mystical studies may also appeal to you at this time, and you could take up the study of subjects such as astrology, tarot or other esoteric knowledge. Incredible gifts await for you. All you have to do is acknowledge that within lies all knowledge. This is a card of wisdom and intelligence.
This powerful major arcana has incredible gifts for you. All you have to do is acknowledge that within lies all knowledge. This is a card of wisdom and intelligence. It is also an indication of mystical effects and understanding.
This woman can achieve anything she wants. She is studious and persevering. She is enchanting, deep, mysterious and has a unique talent for understanding people and their motives. She is psychic and gifted in many areas of natural law. She knows when to make decisions, when to act and set plans in motion and how to be in complete control of her own destiny. She is a leader, not a follower. She has charm, grace and poise. She is gifted with extra-ordinary understanding, compassion and has humanitarian instincts. She has high ideals and aspires to achieve her planned goals. She is an excellent communicator and listener. She knows when to be quiet. She understands the correct timing on when to plant seeds that will ultimately prosper. She is particularly cool, calm and collected. She is logical and rational and fair. She has a strong sense of justice. The initials B and J may be, or prove to be important in your life. These can represent the initials of people, places and businesses. They are signposts to people and places which will become of profound significance to you.
You could be considering doing some type of studies when you draw this card. Other than that, a teacher, possibly female, may come into your life and have an enormous impact on you. She could teach you valuable lessons that you need to learn.
Should you be considering becoming a teacher yourself, this would be a good indicator that you are on the right track and will achieve success in your chosen field.
Mystical studies may also appeal to you at this time, and you could take up the study of subjects such as astrology, tarot or other esoteric knowledge.
Sagittarius:Eight of Swords - A difficult situation to deal with.
This can be a difficult situation to deal with. There may be restrictions in your life that you would like to be freed from. It is also a mentally stressful occasion that requires clarity of thinking and forethought to resolve. If you keep your wits about you and refuse to be depressed you will manage to sail through this time with flying colours and be amazed at your strength of will when you have come out of the other end of the fog and retrospectively look back on how well you handled yourself and the dilemma you had faced.
Endurance is the key to coping right now and your decisions may have far-reaching consequences. You will find you have matured throughout the process of dealing with your problems. You may have to let go of relationships and friendships and this will prove to be an unburdening for you and allow you the freedom to pursue your own goals.
Do not be dismayed by these goodbyes, for they are a necessary part of your new path to follow, unhindered by a lifestyle that had cramped your style and your latent talents.
Now you will start to blossom and to produce good works in whatever field you focus on right now. Allow flexibility in your thinking for fresh ideas and ways of doing things will open new doorways to your true destiny
Capricorn:Three of Pentacles - Receiving some documentation regarding an award, or important credentials that you have received or will soon earn.
This card shows a person (apparently male) who is chiselling on the wall near a doorway, which looks a little like a church entrance, due to the conic shape at the top. Above this are the three coins (or pentacles). It seems as though some special message, lettering, notice or plaque is being created for the world to see. On an individual level this could mean receiving some documentation regarding an award, or important credentials that you have received or will soon earn. You may also receive some kind of financial assistance, benefit or win that you were not expecting. If you are seeking employment, it may soon be yours, though will not consume all of your time as it may be only a few hours a day.
Aquarius:Five of Pentacles - You may be called upon to help someone in need and this may be financial help.
The picture on this card shows a woman who is wearing a scarf covering her head and shoulders. Besider her is a young man who has a bloodied bandage around his head. He uses two sticks to assist him walking. It is night time and the harsh elements of winter are hitting them hard. In the background they pass (unknowingly) a large stained glass window containing five pentacles. If you draw this card you may be called upon to help someone in need and this may be financial help. You would be wise to question the motives of this person, just in case they are leaning on you too heavily, whereas they should be standing on their own two feet
Pisces:The Chariot - Travel awaits you. Should the other travel card, the six of swords also be in your card layout, then this is an indicator that you are to move across new ground, or maybe even purchase a mode of travel such as a car.
Generally speaking this card depicts some kind of travel. Should the other travel card, the six of swords also be in your card layout, then this is an indicator that you are to move across new ground. However, even by itself, as this is a major arcana card, travel is still a strong possibility. You may travel quite a distance and your goal is to get there, by whatever means you can find, even horseback if necessary. This can also mean that someone is coming from a long distance towards you.
For some people this can represent getting a new mode of transport, such as buying your first car, or buying a new car or bike or whatever. The emphasis is on getting to your destination by the quickest route available.
This card too is about choices. You may have to make a major decision around this time that will alter circumstances quite dramatically. Do not resist change for that will disrupt the natural flow of events that are waiting to unfold for you.
Also I have seen this card manifest in matters to do with re-decorating the home. Sometimes it is just new curtains or cushions, however the aim is to bring comfort into the home.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Good times
I just had a great weekend with some very special friends and loved ones. One of them was a very special lady that I have failed to talk about in this blog but she deserves a place here since she has been in my life since 2nd grade.
Friendship and love and kindness can't begin to explain how much she means to me especially with all the shit we have been through together. She has always stood by my side in the good times and the bad, and she never ever asked for anything in return, she was just always there. You know the old saying that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, well she has always been the quite wheel. Never asking for the bright spot light, just happy being who she is, ALWAYS standing by my side, even when I acted like as asshole. It's sometimes easy to overlook these special friends in your life, but they are some of the most important people that you will ever know. That is what she is, more than a friend, she is part of me. I have spent so much time talking about the changes going on, I have neglected the one thing that has been a constant in my life for more years then I want to try to remember (she can attest to this). She is very laid back and easy to get along with and she just takes every day one day at a time. She doesn't turn her nose up at anyone (not that I have ever seen before) and she always listens to all my shit and gives good advice on top of everything else.
Well the weekend was a blast. I got to see some old friends and make a couple of new ones. I even got to hang out with my nephew at a private 20's speakeasy club hidden in down town Savannah. I also got to experience the longest parade in the history of the world...4 fucking hours!!! It was worth it though since I got to hang out with Missy all weekend long.
Thanks Missy for being there always being there for me and putting up with all my crap for so many years. And especially keeping all my little dirty secrets...lol
Love ya
Friendship and love and kindness can't begin to explain how much she means to me especially with all the shit we have been through together. She has always stood by my side in the good times and the bad, and she never ever asked for anything in return, she was just always there. You know the old saying that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, well she has always been the quite wheel. Never asking for the bright spot light, just happy being who she is, ALWAYS standing by my side, even when I acted like as asshole. It's sometimes easy to overlook these special friends in your life, but they are some of the most important people that you will ever know. That is what she is, more than a friend, she is part of me. I have spent so much time talking about the changes going on, I have neglected the one thing that has been a constant in my life for more years then I want to try to remember (she can attest to this). She is very laid back and easy to get along with and she just takes every day one day at a time. She doesn't turn her nose up at anyone (not that I have ever seen before) and she always listens to all my shit and gives good advice on top of everything else.
Well the weekend was a blast. I got to see some old friends and make a couple of new ones. I even got to hang out with my nephew at a private 20's speakeasy club hidden in down town Savannah. I also got to experience the longest parade in the history of the world...4 fucking hours!!! It was worth it though since I got to hang out with Missy all weekend long.
Thanks Missy for being there always being there for me and putting up with all my crap for so many years. And especially keeping all my little dirty secrets...lol
Love ya
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Hope, Strength and Love
There is so many things that go on in everyone's life from day to day and so many changes that will keep you up at night and continue to run through you mind. Thoughts that just start off as something innocent and end up as something that takes on a life of its own and you can't stop thinking about it. I hate when I allow myself to fall into the trap of depression and self loathing for something that I have no control over and I have no power to to change...or would change even if I had the power to do so. It is just something that eats away at me and I can't seem to get over it or allow my self to let it just move out of my life. Instead of moving past my bad feelings I always seem to add fuel to the fire, and I continue to add more and more and more fuel and I keep telling myself that it want matter because the fire want get any bigger. How stupid is this thinking??? There is no way that adding fuel to a fire is not going to make it burn out of control for way longer then would if I just started walking away and letting it burn it self out. Why would anyone want to do this to them self? Why would anyone put them self in a hole and look up at the opening and not allow themselves to crawl out?
Feelings are things that can bring you up to the highest highs or drag you down to the lowest of lows. They come out of no where and slap you in the face from a strange look or a miss understood comment. They can pull you along with hope that you know inside your heart and mind will never ever come to light. Feelings are also things that being us joy and love and happiness and a strange warm feeling all over your body that you can't explain. They can run so hot and cold that it is hard to figure it out some times.
As wise friend told me...
"just relax into the roll and when obstacles come, love and understand them, don't try harder to push them away, that will usually just keep them following after you!"
I am trying so hard to follow the advice of others but our minds run on their own. Some times you have to look deep inside yourself and find the strength to over come your feelings of loss or pain by facing them head on and looking them in the eye and just love them for what they are and allow them to move past you. This is some of the best advice that I have ever gotten, but sometimes it is so hard to follow. You just want to allow the bad feelings that invade your life to move past you, but it is so hard to do on certain occasions, but it is something that you have to allow to happen. The worst part is that there is no reason for these kind of feelings because there is so much love in our lives. I personally have so many people that love me and care about me and if I was true to myself and true to them I would never allow any feelings but happiness and joy come into my life. My love for my friends and the love that I get from them and the love that I have for myself are the things that keeps me going every day.
I am still working on loving myself and trust me when I say that I have gotten much better at this point...but I still have a ways to go. I still allow the way others look at me to effect the way I feel about myself on occasions. I know I am not supposed to allow this to happen, but its all about steps and if I had to say where I was at on this stair case...it guess it would be about 2/3rd the way up.
I guess the real reason for this post is to share some of the advise that I was given by a couple of very special people that I know have nothing but love and care and concern for me in their hearts. I have been working so hard to follow the advise that I was given and living up to the standards that I have been setting for myself. Trying to not allow depression or loneliness work its way into my life or into my heart. I need to keep telling myself that I AM LOVE, AND I AM RECEIVING LOVE FOR THOSE THAT MATTER TO ME. I hope whom ever reads this understands that we all have tough feelings to face sometimes, but with the love and advice of those around us that truly love and care for us, there is nothing we can't face and allow to pass.
I want to end this by saying Thank You the two people that mean so much to me. I can honestly say I have nothing but love and happiness for in my heart for them. They know who they are, and I am a very blessed person to have them in my life and I am very blessed to be a part of their life.
Thanks guys, I love you very much....
Color of energy...What does it mean to me??
These are the colors, now to figure out what they mean to me. I have always been a person that likes deep rich colors, but the strange thing is that white is my representational color. White is pure and clean and free of any thing dirty. I don't know if this is how I always wanted to see myself but white is always the way that represent myself when it comes to clothes or cars. When I think about myself in dreams or fantasy's, I always picture myself wearing all white or driving a white car, or living in a house that is all white. I am not sure if this represents a lack of commitment to any one thing or my fear to break out of my own personal shell and experiment with all the colors that are represented. I know I am drawn to very deep and rich colors on the outside, and in my minds eye, these are the things that draw my attention, but internally it is always WHITE.
I have been thinking a alot about what each of these colors mean to me and I have been taking notes on them so try to break this down into something that I can understand. A few them come to me easy and I know what they represent in my life, but the other few...it is taking me some time to figure it out. So I will start with what came the most easy to me....
Turquoise:
When ever I think of turquoise, the first and only thing that comes to my mind is my oldest brother that has passed away. He used to always wear turquoise rings, necklaces, and other jewelry. He thought it brought him power or some kind and he was always showing his stuff to me. He passed away many years ago from cancer and he was living with his second wife at the time and the relationship between her and my family was not very good to say the least. When he passed she pretty much shut everyone else out and there was no way for me to get any of his older jewelry, which was something that I wanted to remember him by. He was a lot older than I was (12 years) so I was never really close to him, but he was my oldest brother and growing up the way I did, I knew more about him for stories I was told them from actual experience. I remember the last time I saw him, I was living in California. My mom called me and told me that she didn't think he would make it through the weekend, so I got on the first plane out of Cali, back to Georgia (over $1,000 ticket) and make it home to see him that weekend. I spent all weekend at his home in Jacksonville, but by this time he didn't know who I was or where he was at. I left on Sunday and flew home and my mom called on Wednesday and told me he had passed.
Green:
Green is the color of my birth stone...EMERALDS. I was born on my mothers birthday so mine and my mom's birth stone is emeralds. My mother used to have a huge emerald ring with white diamonds on each side of it. I always remembered looking at it and trying it on and playing with it. When I think of green, the first thing that comes to my mind is my mom. It represents the love that she always gave me and the protection she always provides. She has always been my security blanket and the fact that I always know that she will be there for me no matter what, has always helped me
Royal Blue and Violet:
These are deep colors that represent power and life to me. The dark deep colors mean passion, and power, and strength when ever I think of them. Violet was the favorite color of my last partner. He loved this color and actually painted our bedroom this color once. He was open and loud and proud, and I guess that is what this color represents...in you face!! Royal blue is an offset of the Violet, where as Violet is in your face, Royal Blue still represents power but in more of a demure way. I think this is where we met in the middle. I would be more of a royal blue while he was more of a violet.
Orange:
I was not sure as to what orange represented to me on a personal level, so I went on a search for other meanings of the color, this what I found....Orange is one of the healing colors. It is said to increase the craving for food. It also stimulates enthusiasm and creativity. Orange means vitality with endurance. People who like orange are usually thoughtful and sincere. Lady luck's color is orange. I have been told that if a change of any kind is need in life, just burn an orange candle for 7 nights.
Yellow:
Yellow was also something that I couldn't place in my life for any specific reason, so I went back to the web site and this is what I found. The web site says that yellow symbolizes wisdom along with joy and happiness. People of high intellect favor yellow. Yellow daffodils are a symbols of unrequited love. Like the energy of a bright sunny day, yellow brings clarity and awareness. The shade of yellow determines its effect: Yellow-green can mean deceit, and creates a disoriented feeling. Orange-yellow imparts a sense of establishment. Clean light yellow clears the mind, making it active and alert.
Each of these colors mean something different things to me and some more then others. the first four are hte most important ones, but I am still trying to place the other two some place in my life. I know there has to be a place some where but so far I have not come up with any thing. I feel like I do have some of the characteristics of the last two colors, but that i all, but I am open for discussion.
This is the link to the website that breaks down the meaning of different colors...http://crystal-cure.com/color.html
I had an energy reading done on myself and I was told that he was focusing on six specific colors in my life and I should think about these colors and focus on them and think about what these colors mean to me in a positive light.
The colors that I was told to focus on were
Orange
Yellow
Green
Turquoise
Royal Blue
Violet
These are the colors, now to figure out what they mean to me. I have always been a person that likes deep rich colors, but the strange thing is that white is my representational color. White is pure and clean and free of any thing dirty. I don't know if this is how I always wanted to see myself but white is always the way that represent myself when it comes to clothes or cars. When I think about myself in dreams or fantasy's, I always picture myself wearing all white or driving a white car, or living in a house that is all white. I am not sure if this represents a lack of commitment to any one thing or my fear to break out of my own personal shell and experiment with all the colors that are represented. I know I am drawn to very deep and rich colors on the outside, and in my minds eye, these are the things that draw my attention, but internally it is always WHITE.
I have been thinking a alot about what each of these colors mean to me and I have been taking notes on them so try to break this down into something that I can understand. A few them come to me easy and I know what they represent in my life, but the other few...it is taking me some time to figure it out. So I will start with what came the most easy to me....
Turquoise:
When ever I think of turquoise, the first and only thing that comes to my mind is my oldest brother that has passed away. He used to always wear turquoise rings, necklaces, and other jewelry. He thought it brought him power or some kind and he was always showing his stuff to me. He passed away many years ago from cancer and he was living with his second wife at the time and the relationship between her and my family was not very good to say the least. When he passed she pretty much shut everyone else out and there was no way for me to get any of his older jewelry, which was something that I wanted to remember him by. He was a lot older than I was (12 years) so I was never really close to him, but he was my oldest brother and growing up the way I did, I knew more about him for stories I was told them from actual experience. I remember the last time I saw him, I was living in California. My mom called me and told me that she didn't think he would make it through the weekend, so I got on the first plane out of Cali, back to Georgia (over $1,000 ticket) and make it home to see him that weekend. I spent all weekend at his home in Jacksonville, but by this time he didn't know who I was or where he was at. I left on Sunday and flew home and my mom called on Wednesday and told me he had passed.
Green:
Green is the color of my birth stone...EMERALDS. I was born on my mothers birthday so mine and my mom's birth stone is emeralds. My mother used to have a huge emerald ring with white diamonds on each side of it. I always remembered looking at it and trying it on and playing with it. When I think of green, the first thing that comes to my mind is my mom. It represents the love that she always gave me and the protection she always provides. She has always been my security blanket and the fact that I always know that she will be there for me no matter what, has always helped me
Royal Blue and Violet:
These are deep colors that represent power and life to me. The dark deep colors mean passion, and power, and strength when ever I think of them. Violet was the favorite color of my last partner. He loved this color and actually painted our bedroom this color once. He was open and loud and proud, and I guess that is what this color represents...in you face!! Royal blue is an offset of the Violet, where as Violet is in your face, Royal Blue still represents power but in more of a demure way. I think this is where we met in the middle. I would be more of a royal blue while he was more of a violet.
Orange:
I was not sure as to what orange represented to me on a personal level, so I went on a search for other meanings of the color, this what I found....Orange is one of the healing colors. It is said to increase the craving for food. It also stimulates enthusiasm and creativity. Orange means vitality with endurance. People who like orange are usually thoughtful and sincere. Lady luck's color is orange. I have been told that if a change of any kind is need in life, just burn an orange candle for 7 nights.
Yellow:
Yellow was also something that I couldn't place in my life for any specific reason, so I went back to the web site and this is what I found. The web site says that yellow symbolizes wisdom along with joy and happiness. People of high intellect favor yellow. Yellow daffodils are a symbols of unrequited love. Like the energy of a bright sunny day, yellow brings clarity and awareness. The shade of yellow determines its effect: Yellow-green can mean deceit, and creates a disoriented feeling. Orange-yellow imparts a sense of establishment. Clean light yellow clears the mind, making it active and alert.
Each of these colors mean something different things to me and some more then others. the first four are hte most important ones, but I am still trying to place the other two some place in my life. I know there has to be a place some where but so far I have not come up with any thing. I feel like I do have some of the characteristics of the last two colors, but that i all, but I am open for discussion.
This is the link to the website that breaks down the meaning of different colors...http://crystal-cure.com/color.html
Monday, March 5, 2012
Dream from the other night...
I decided to start posting some of my nightly dreams on here. I am working to get more in touch with what they are telling me and what I can learn from them. This is one that I had the other night....
I got to the entrance to the bridge that crosses over the lake to take me to my house and it was gone. As I am standing there I realize that it is the last day of school (finals day) and they have taking down the bridge because they are closing down for the summer. I then start to think if today was the last day of school then I have not gone to any of my final exam classes and so I have flunked all my classes this quarter. I turn to run through the woods to get home and there is a bunch of police cars blocking the road back to my house and they tell me I have to walk all the way around the forest and I get pissed off. I turn around start to walk the other way and I start thinking about what I am going to tell my mother about failing all my classes. I can't even remember the last time I went to class, but I do remember passing some kind of PE class but nothing else. I start to follow these other guys that are jumping the baricades and start following a path that some how leads me to top of a building and I am walking around trying to figure out how to get down so I a can continue to try to get home. As I am doing this, I start to think how can I still be in college at the age of 42. That how have I been in school for 24 years and still not passed yet, there is no way I can still be attending school, what is this some kind of life long job to just go to school. I start trying to remember where all the years went and figure out if I am really 42 or did I forget something and really still only 24. At the same time I am trying to figure out how I am going to tell my mom I didn't pass and how I am probably going to have to pay for the next quarter and trying to figure out where I am going to get the money to do it. The whole time I am alone. I open a door and get inside a tube that is winding downward counter clock wise and I start to slide down the tube trying to get to the bottom so I can get out of the building and continue my way home...all I want is to get home....then I woke up.
Well that is it, I have been working with Jack to help me analyze these dreams. I have a few others that I will post soon. I know this is something that is private but also something that maybe someone will read and understand it more then I do and drop me a line on what they are getting out of it. I don't know if you can really understand it with out understanding me and the issues that are going on in my life right now. I know Jack knows more about these issues so he has a better understanding of where some of this is coming from. But the final analysis will have to come from with in myself, and I will have to be the one to sit down and understand what the universe is trying to tell me and act upon this...
Oh well, if anyone has any feed back, don't be afraid to drop me a line.
I am at some huge house some place and I am waiting on a ride to some where. I am waiting on some special kind of ride, not just a car to pick me up. As I am waiting a horse pulling a stage coach with one rider on it goes by. Then a huge stage coach come to the front of the house, its bright red and is pulled by two horses. There is a old 1930's car inside the front half of the coach and they are putting people in the back. When it takes off it sounds like a truck leaving so it must have some kind of motor to help the horses pull the coach. I then see another single stage coach go by, and then another bright red one with a car. I am still waiting on my ride. I don't remember where I am supposed to be going. I am thinking I am with someone at this point but I don't remember. As I am standing there a helicopter comes sliding down the road next to a car. Its like the helicopter is trying to push the car off the road and make it stop, but it is on the ground and they are sliding to a stop. I ran over to see what is going on, and a black man gets out of the car and opens the door to the helicopter and there are three black women sitting inside holding a book. One lady kisses the man and tells him she thought it was her time because she had just read his book (the man wrote the book the ladies were holding) and she read a passage out of it like a verse from the bible. I know that bible verse has meaning but I can't remember what it was. It has something to do with your time expiring and being taken up. I am just standing there watching the entire time.
It is now dark and I am still at this huge house, and it seems more like a frat house in college (later it becomes my old college) and I am looking out the window at young college age boys and girls running around and making out on the front lawn. This part is very hard to explain because it jumps around so much, but I will try. This part had a friend of mine from high school (one of my high school crushes, but he was straight also) but he never talked to me. I was the one trying to talk to him and warn him someone was going to beat him up because he was making out with some other guys girl. This other guy had a baseball bat and was hitting dummies and I said that is better then hitting the real thing, now you get your aggression's out, he looked at me and told me "it is just practice for the real thing" Stuart (that is my friends name) walks past me with a bat in his hand and I try to tell him about the other guy, but he ignores me and keeps on walking back to the house, so I follow him (I was outside the house this whole time, now I am trying to get back into it). I have to climb back inside the house and I am in some kind of cafeteria area and I have to climb over some stuff to get back in. Other guys are very easily climbing up and over the metal cabinets and shelves but I am struggling to get my feet in the right spot and pull my self up. I watch 3 or 4 guys just jump up and over while I am still struggling. I finally stop and and I am watching this line of guys behind the cafeteria food line and two other guys come in, one is the one with the bat and the other has a bowl of food of some kind. The one with the food starts to poor it over the head of one of the guys on the food line like some kind of initiation and then on another one and then another one. The guy with the bat is standing next to him. Someone pours something on main guy with the bowl (I don't remember who) and he said he didn't care because it was his last day at this school...he was done, he was graduated. This is when I started to try to leave.
I am trying to leave to get back to my house and ever turn I take it seems to be blocked. I turn and climb across the cafateria food line and get into the dinning area and there is a glass wall blocking me so I have to go a different direction. I end up taking a hall way that leads to the pool area were they are having a swim meet and I remember my best friend Russ from college is supposed to be on the team (he never really was in college) but I can't find him. I finally get out of building and I am walking to wards the lake and forest that seperates the school from my house but I pass this campus security guard as I am leaving the building and he starts to follow me. He grabs me and starts asking about the bad check I wrote to the school for $150,000. I pull away and tell him he is crazy and I didn't write a check like that, and he grabs me again and keeps on and want let go. I grab his throat and try to choak him but he just laughs at me. I don't have the strength to hurt him. I finally get enough pressure on his wind pipe and he starts to gasp for air and lets me go. I start to run but he gets up and comes after me again yelling about the check. He grabs me again and I scream "rape" as loud as I can and it turns into this super high pitch sound. Kind of like what I heard Tuesday at the healing. It was like a siren going off and he then backed off and people turned around to look at me and see what what happening and then a cop came running over to help. I took off running agian, just trying to get home....
I got to the entrance to the bridge that crosses over the lake to take me to my house and it was gone. As I am standing there I realize that it is the last day of school (finals day) and they have taking down the bridge because they are closing down for the summer. I then start to think if today was the last day of school then I have not gone to any of my final exam classes and so I have flunked all my classes this quarter. I turn to run through the woods to get home and there is a bunch of police cars blocking the road back to my house and they tell me I have to walk all the way around the forest and I get pissed off. I turn around start to walk the other way and I start thinking about what I am going to tell my mother about failing all my classes. I can't even remember the last time I went to class, but I do remember passing some kind of PE class but nothing else. I start to follow these other guys that are jumping the baricades and start following a path that some how leads me to top of a building and I am walking around trying to figure out how to get down so I a can continue to try to get home. As I am doing this, I start to think how can I still be in college at the age of 42. That how have I been in school for 24 years and still not passed yet, there is no way I can still be attending school, what is this some kind of life long job to just go to school. I start trying to remember where all the years went and figure out if I am really 42 or did I forget something and really still only 24. At the same time I am trying to figure out how I am going to tell my mom I didn't pass and how I am probably going to have to pay for the next quarter and trying to figure out where I am going to get the money to do it. The whole time I am alone. I open a door and get inside a tube that is winding downward counter clock wise and I start to slide down the tube trying to get to the bottom so I can get out of the building and continue my way home...all I want is to get home....then I woke up.
Well that is it, I have been working with Jack to help me analyze these dreams. I have a few others that I will post soon. I know this is something that is private but also something that maybe someone will read and understand it more then I do and drop me a line on what they are getting out of it. I don't know if you can really understand it with out understanding me and the issues that are going on in my life right now. I know Jack knows more about these issues so he has a better understanding of where some of this is coming from. But the final analysis will have to come from with in myself, and I will have to be the one to sit down and understand what the universe is trying to tell me and act upon this...
Oh well, if anyone has any feed back, don't be afraid to drop me a line.
Changes
WOW...there has been so much going on lately that I have not had time to get anything done. I have been so busy at work and so busy with myself that this blog has suffered and I have not been able to add anything new to it in over a month. I have decided to start adding my dreams to this so I will have a record of all the changes that are have been going on in my mind and soul.
I have discovered so much about my self over the past few months with the help and direction of my friend Jack and a few of his friends. The love and compassion that Jack has shown me is more then I have ever experienced in my life. It is something that is honest and true. He challenges me in why that no friend has ever done. He allow me to say what in my heart and head and allow me to get my feelings out and then helps me to understand them so I can move forward. I have had good friends in the past but I have never really shared my feelings or emotions with them, I have just never felt very comfortable doing this with anyone. Jack is different, he makes it easy to talk to him and telling him what is going on in my head, the fact is that he usually knows there is something wrong with me before I am willing to admit it. He looks at me and asks me what is wrong, and even if I tell him I am "all good", he can see so far into my soul, he knows something is bothering me. Usually a while later what ever it is that he saw will surface and I will end up pouring my guts out to him. He is always there to comfort me and listen, but more importantly he will not allow me to wallow in self pity. He forces me to face what the real problem is and move past it. I know that sometimes he doesn't understand my feelings toward him, and to be honest sometimes I don't either, but I do know that they come from a place of true love and total respect for what he has done for me and what he given me over the past 8-9 months. I have never had a friend like this, but it is something very special and something that I cherish so much right now. He helps me to understand my feelings toward myself and to whats is going on around me and helps me to face my fears like no one else ever has.
I know in my heart that no matter what happens, he will always be there for me in any way that I need him. The only thing that bothers me is, how do I repay so much love and understanding? How do I give back to someone that gives so much of themselves to me? I have told him that I will be there for him anytime he needs me or ask anything of me, but the thing is that he very rarely ask anything of me. I have told him over and over that my friendship for him has no limits on time or distance. That when I commit to someone as a friend, I will always be there for that person 24/7 - 365 days a year. It doesn't matter to me if we are 100's of miles apart and one day he calls me out of the blue, I am there. I really don't think he truly understands what I am saying when I tell him this, but it is exactly what I say it is, there is no mountain that I want climb for my friends and the ones that show me love. I have helped him a little over the past couple of weeks with troubles with his car, but it is so small to what he has given me. I guess that is the true definition of a friend...you take from each other what you need and you give to each other when it is needed. Since we all have different needs in our lives on a day to day basis, the people that we truly call our friends will be the ones that will always stand by us. They will be the ones that will get in our faces, but never turn their backs on us. The ones that we can laugh and cry with and they will listen. The ones that challenge us on a day to day basis and truly loves you for who you are and see who you can truly become.
This is not really where I was heading with this post, it just seemed to be what was weighing on my mind right now. Jack sometimes reads this blog and if he happens to read this post, I hope he knows how much I love him and how much his love for me means to me. I also know if he does read this he will tell me to stop put him up on a pedestal, and really I am not. I am just expressing the changes that are going on in my life and right now he happens to be a major influence in them. I know one day soon he will be moving on, and I think I am OK with that. One important things that I learned from him (after an emotional break down) was the difference between attachment and connection. The ways to be connected to someone with true and pure love and kindness as apposed to be attached to someone that are more linked to fear and worry of loss.
Live in Love and not in Fear!!
I am learning each day new and exciting things about myself and ways to make my life greater.
I have discovered so much about my self over the past few months with the help and direction of my friend Jack and a few of his friends. The love and compassion that Jack has shown me is more then I have ever experienced in my life. It is something that is honest and true. He challenges me in why that no friend has ever done. He allow me to say what in my heart and head and allow me to get my feelings out and then helps me to understand them so I can move forward. I have had good friends in the past but I have never really shared my feelings or emotions with them, I have just never felt very comfortable doing this with anyone. Jack is different, he makes it easy to talk to him and telling him what is going on in my head, the fact is that he usually knows there is something wrong with me before I am willing to admit it. He looks at me and asks me what is wrong, and even if I tell him I am "all good", he can see so far into my soul, he knows something is bothering me. Usually a while later what ever it is that he saw will surface and I will end up pouring my guts out to him. He is always there to comfort me and listen, but more importantly he will not allow me to wallow in self pity. He forces me to face what the real problem is and move past it. I know that sometimes he doesn't understand my feelings toward him, and to be honest sometimes I don't either, but I do know that they come from a place of true love and total respect for what he has done for me and what he given me over the past 8-9 months. I have never had a friend like this, but it is something very special and something that I cherish so much right now. He helps me to understand my feelings toward myself and to whats is going on around me and helps me to face my fears like no one else ever has.
I know in my heart that no matter what happens, he will always be there for me in any way that I need him. The only thing that bothers me is, how do I repay so much love and understanding? How do I give back to someone that gives so much of themselves to me? I have told him that I will be there for him anytime he needs me or ask anything of me, but the thing is that he very rarely ask anything of me. I have told him over and over that my friendship for him has no limits on time or distance. That when I commit to someone as a friend, I will always be there for that person 24/7 - 365 days a year. It doesn't matter to me if we are 100's of miles apart and one day he calls me out of the blue, I am there. I really don't think he truly understands what I am saying when I tell him this, but it is exactly what I say it is, there is no mountain that I want climb for my friends and the ones that show me love. I have helped him a little over the past couple of weeks with troubles with his car, but it is so small to what he has given me. I guess that is the true definition of a friend...you take from each other what you need and you give to each other when it is needed. Since we all have different needs in our lives on a day to day basis, the people that we truly call our friends will be the ones that will always stand by us. They will be the ones that will get in our faces, but never turn their backs on us. The ones that we can laugh and cry with and they will listen. The ones that challenge us on a day to day basis and truly loves you for who you are and see who you can truly become.
This is not really where I was heading with this post, it just seemed to be what was weighing on my mind right now. Jack sometimes reads this blog and if he happens to read this post, I hope he knows how much I love him and how much his love for me means to me. I also know if he does read this he will tell me to stop put him up on a pedestal, and really I am not. I am just expressing the changes that are going on in my life and right now he happens to be a major influence in them. I know one day soon he will be moving on, and I think I am OK with that. One important things that I learned from him (after an emotional break down) was the difference between attachment and connection. The ways to be connected to someone with true and pure love and kindness as apposed to be attached to someone that are more linked to fear and worry of loss.
Live in Love and not in Fear!!
I am learning each day new and exciting things about myself and ways to make my life greater.
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