Fear vs. Loss

I have been thinking a lot about where I am heading and how I am going to get there. I used to always be a loner and wasn't afraid to do things out on my own and actually I preferred it that way. I have come to realize that I really didn't enjoy it so much as did it to keep anyone from getting to close to me and find out that I was gay.  Fear has run my life for so long, I don't really remember what else there is...until now.

Now is the time to stand up and scream.  Now is the time to take control of my fear and force it out of my life.  Fear has no place in my life.  The funny thing is that the fear that I carry around with me has nothing to do with what your normal average person would have fears from or nothing that I have feared in the past.  I don't fear for money, I don't fear for a job, I don't fear for a roof over my head, I don't fear for my health, I don't fear for what other people think of me, I don't fear that people will find out I am gay, and I don't even fear for death.   My fear comes from a place deep inside that I should easily be able to rationalize away, but I know I want do this, and it does me no good to not do so.

When someone comes into your life and completely changes how you look at yourself and the world around you. They have the ability to bring a smile to your face with just a single word, and will listen to you no matter what the problem is or what time of day or night it is. Someone that you know is just there for you no matter what and can tell when you are down or having a problem with out you having to tell them, and then has enough care for you in their heart to dig into the problem to find out what it is. Now most of us have friends that care about us to a certain extent, but this is different.  This is someone that makes me what to be a better person every day of my life. He is one of the most special people that I have ever had the privileged to meet and now he is moving away. As much as I know in my heart that this will not change our friendship at all, my head keeps telling me that it will.  When I say I know it will effect it, I know the love he has for me will not diminish, but since we will be so far apart, things will change..that is the way of life and this my fear. Its not a fear of change, its not a fear of abandonment, its guess the more I write this the less it really seems like a  fear at all. I guess maybe it is just a "feeling" of loss not a fear of anything.  I am not scared that he is changing his life, I am just selfish in my own wants and needs that I don't want him to leave, and that is wrong.

The universe is all about change, the universe brought him into my life when I really needed him and now it is taking him away. The friendship that we have formed is one of the strongest friendships I have ever known. He has come into my life like a tornado and thrown everything around.  He has shaken up my entire world and set me out on a new direction, a new path and new life, but I guess that was his purpose.  I guess we all have a purpose in this vast universe and we all will touch certain peoples lives in very special and wonderful ways, and it is safe to say that he has touched mine in more incredible and wonderful ways that I can count.  I hope that I have learned enough form all that we have experienced together and I will be able to take the joy and happiness that he has planted in my heart and be able to effect someone else's life as much as he has done mine.    

The reason I started this blog was to be able to express my feelings and get my emotions out.  To try to help me to understand all that is going on inside of my head and heart.  In just these short few paragraphs, I have come to the understanding that I really don't have a fear of him leaving, only a feeling of loss for my friend moving on.  He is moving on to something special and wonderful for himself, and I know I will be a part of it, he has taught me that much.  I have nothing but happiness for him in the hope that everything works out the way he wants it to.  I am truly in he corner no matter what decision he makes because that is what a true friend is and that is what a true friend would do. I will always love him with all my heart and soul, and somehow I know I have loved him for 100's of years and I will continue to love him well past this life time.  All I can do now is to stand up and stand beside my friend and be what ever he needs me to be to help him take the next monumental step on his own path in life...and that is what I will do.

No Fear...
No Pain...
No Regrets...
Only Happiness and Joy and Love and maybe a few tears.

I love you Robin.