I just had a great weekend with some very special friends and loved ones. One of them was a very special lady that I have failed to talk about in this blog but she deserves a place here since she has been in my life since 2nd grade.
Friendship and love and kindness can't begin to explain how much she means to me especially with all the shit we have been through together. She has always stood by my side in the good times and the bad, and she never ever asked for anything in return, she was just always there. You know the old saying that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, well she has always been the quite wheel. Never asking for the bright spot light, just happy being who she is, ALWAYS standing by my side, even when I acted like as asshole. It's sometimes easy to overlook these special friends in your life, but they are some of the most important people that you will ever know. That is what she is, more than a friend, she is part of me. I have spent so much time talking about the changes going on, I have neglected the one thing that has been a constant in my life for more years then I want to try to remember (she can attest to this). She is very laid back and easy to get along with and she just takes every day one day at a time. She doesn't turn her nose up at anyone (not that I have ever seen before) and she always listens to all my shit and gives good advice on top of everything else.
Well the weekend was a blast. I got to see some old friends and make a couple of new ones. I even got to hang out with my nephew at a private 20's speakeasy club hidden in down town Savannah. I also got to experience the longest parade in the history of the world...4 fucking hours!!! It was worth it though since I got to hang out with Missy all weekend long.
Thanks Missy for being there always being there for me and putting up with all my crap for so many years. And especially keeping all my little dirty secrets...lol
Love ya
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Hope, Strength and Love
There is so many things that go on in everyone's life from day to day and so many changes that will keep you up at night and continue to run through you mind. Thoughts that just start off as something innocent and end up as something that takes on a life of its own and you can't stop thinking about it. I hate when I allow myself to fall into the trap of depression and self loathing for something that I have no control over and I have no power to to change...or would change even if I had the power to do so. It is just something that eats away at me and I can't seem to get over it or allow my self to let it just move out of my life. Instead of moving past my bad feelings I always seem to add fuel to the fire, and I continue to add more and more and more fuel and I keep telling myself that it want matter because the fire want get any bigger. How stupid is this thinking??? There is no way that adding fuel to a fire is not going to make it burn out of control for way longer then would if I just started walking away and letting it burn it self out. Why would anyone want to do this to them self? Why would anyone put them self in a hole and look up at the opening and not allow themselves to crawl out?
Feelings are things that can bring you up to the highest highs or drag you down to the lowest of lows. They come out of no where and slap you in the face from a strange look or a miss understood comment. They can pull you along with hope that you know inside your heart and mind will never ever come to light. Feelings are also things that being us joy and love and happiness and a strange warm feeling all over your body that you can't explain. They can run so hot and cold that it is hard to figure it out some times.
As wise friend told me...
"just relax into the roll and when obstacles come, love and understand them, don't try harder to push them away, that will usually just keep them following after you!"
I am trying so hard to follow the advice of others but our minds run on their own. Some times you have to look deep inside yourself and find the strength to over come your feelings of loss or pain by facing them head on and looking them in the eye and just love them for what they are and allow them to move past you. This is some of the best advice that I have ever gotten, but sometimes it is so hard to follow. You just want to allow the bad feelings that invade your life to move past you, but it is so hard to do on certain occasions, but it is something that you have to allow to happen. The worst part is that there is no reason for these kind of feelings because there is so much love in our lives. I personally have so many people that love me and care about me and if I was true to myself and true to them I would never allow any feelings but happiness and joy come into my life. My love for my friends and the love that I get from them and the love that I have for myself are the things that keeps me going every day.
I am still working on loving myself and trust me when I say that I have gotten much better at this point...but I still have a ways to go. I still allow the way others look at me to effect the way I feel about myself on occasions. I know I am not supposed to allow this to happen, but its all about steps and if I had to say where I was at on this stair case...it guess it would be about 2/3rd the way up.
I guess the real reason for this post is to share some of the advise that I was given by a couple of very special people that I know have nothing but love and care and concern for me in their hearts. I have been working so hard to follow the advise that I was given and living up to the standards that I have been setting for myself. Trying to not allow depression or loneliness work its way into my life or into my heart. I need to keep telling myself that I AM LOVE, AND I AM RECEIVING LOVE FOR THOSE THAT MATTER TO ME. I hope whom ever reads this understands that we all have tough feelings to face sometimes, but with the love and advice of those around us that truly love and care for us, there is nothing we can't face and allow to pass.
I want to end this by saying Thank You the two people that mean so much to me. I can honestly say I have nothing but love and happiness for in my heart for them. They know who they are, and I am a very blessed person to have them in my life and I am very blessed to be a part of their life.
Thanks guys, I love you very much....
Color of energy...What does it mean to me??
These are the colors, now to figure out what they mean to me. I have always been a person that likes deep rich colors, but the strange thing is that white is my representational color. White is pure and clean and free of any thing dirty. I don't know if this is how I always wanted to see myself but white is always the way that represent myself when it comes to clothes or cars. When I think about myself in dreams or fantasy's, I always picture myself wearing all white or driving a white car, or living in a house that is all white. I am not sure if this represents a lack of commitment to any one thing or my fear to break out of my own personal shell and experiment with all the colors that are represented. I know I am drawn to very deep and rich colors on the outside, and in my minds eye, these are the things that draw my attention, but internally it is always WHITE.
I have been thinking a alot about what each of these colors mean to me and I have been taking notes on them so try to break this down into something that I can understand. A few them come to me easy and I know what they represent in my life, but the other few...it is taking me some time to figure it out. So I will start with what came the most easy to me....
Turquoise:
When ever I think of turquoise, the first and only thing that comes to my mind is my oldest brother that has passed away. He used to always wear turquoise rings, necklaces, and other jewelry. He thought it brought him power or some kind and he was always showing his stuff to me. He passed away many years ago from cancer and he was living with his second wife at the time and the relationship between her and my family was not very good to say the least. When he passed she pretty much shut everyone else out and there was no way for me to get any of his older jewelry, which was something that I wanted to remember him by. He was a lot older than I was (12 years) so I was never really close to him, but he was my oldest brother and growing up the way I did, I knew more about him for stories I was told them from actual experience. I remember the last time I saw him, I was living in California. My mom called me and told me that she didn't think he would make it through the weekend, so I got on the first plane out of Cali, back to Georgia (over $1,000 ticket) and make it home to see him that weekend. I spent all weekend at his home in Jacksonville, but by this time he didn't know who I was or where he was at. I left on Sunday and flew home and my mom called on Wednesday and told me he had passed.
Green:
Green is the color of my birth stone...EMERALDS. I was born on my mothers birthday so mine and my mom's birth stone is emeralds. My mother used to have a huge emerald ring with white diamonds on each side of it. I always remembered looking at it and trying it on and playing with it. When I think of green, the first thing that comes to my mind is my mom. It represents the love that she always gave me and the protection she always provides. She has always been my security blanket and the fact that I always know that she will be there for me no matter what, has always helped me
Royal Blue and Violet:
These are deep colors that represent power and life to me. The dark deep colors mean passion, and power, and strength when ever I think of them. Violet was the favorite color of my last partner. He loved this color and actually painted our bedroom this color once. He was open and loud and proud, and I guess that is what this color represents...in you face!! Royal blue is an offset of the Violet, where as Violet is in your face, Royal Blue still represents power but in more of a demure way. I think this is where we met in the middle. I would be more of a royal blue while he was more of a violet.
Orange:
I was not sure as to what orange represented to me on a personal level, so I went on a search for other meanings of the color, this what I found....Orange is one of the healing colors. It is said to increase the craving for food. It also stimulates enthusiasm and creativity. Orange means vitality with endurance. People who like orange are usually thoughtful and sincere. Lady luck's color is orange. I have been told that if a change of any kind is need in life, just burn an orange candle for 7 nights.
Yellow:
Yellow was also something that I couldn't place in my life for any specific reason, so I went back to the web site and this is what I found. The web site says that yellow symbolizes wisdom along with joy and happiness. People of high intellect favor yellow. Yellow daffodils are a symbols of unrequited love. Like the energy of a bright sunny day, yellow brings clarity and awareness. The shade of yellow determines its effect: Yellow-green can mean deceit, and creates a disoriented feeling. Orange-yellow imparts a sense of establishment. Clean light yellow clears the mind, making it active and alert.
Each of these colors mean something different things to me and some more then others. the first four are hte most important ones, but I am still trying to place the other two some place in my life. I know there has to be a place some where but so far I have not come up with any thing. I feel like I do have some of the characteristics of the last two colors, but that i all, but I am open for discussion.
This is the link to the website that breaks down the meaning of different colors...http://crystal-cure.com/color.html
I had an energy reading done on myself and I was told that he was focusing on six specific colors in my life and I should think about these colors and focus on them and think about what these colors mean to me in a positive light.
The colors that I was told to focus on were
Orange
Yellow
Green
Turquoise
Royal Blue
Violet
These are the colors, now to figure out what they mean to me. I have always been a person that likes deep rich colors, but the strange thing is that white is my representational color. White is pure and clean and free of any thing dirty. I don't know if this is how I always wanted to see myself but white is always the way that represent myself when it comes to clothes or cars. When I think about myself in dreams or fantasy's, I always picture myself wearing all white or driving a white car, or living in a house that is all white. I am not sure if this represents a lack of commitment to any one thing or my fear to break out of my own personal shell and experiment with all the colors that are represented. I know I am drawn to very deep and rich colors on the outside, and in my minds eye, these are the things that draw my attention, but internally it is always WHITE.
I have been thinking a alot about what each of these colors mean to me and I have been taking notes on them so try to break this down into something that I can understand. A few them come to me easy and I know what they represent in my life, but the other few...it is taking me some time to figure it out. So I will start with what came the most easy to me....
Turquoise:
When ever I think of turquoise, the first and only thing that comes to my mind is my oldest brother that has passed away. He used to always wear turquoise rings, necklaces, and other jewelry. He thought it brought him power or some kind and he was always showing his stuff to me. He passed away many years ago from cancer and he was living with his second wife at the time and the relationship between her and my family was not very good to say the least. When he passed she pretty much shut everyone else out and there was no way for me to get any of his older jewelry, which was something that I wanted to remember him by. He was a lot older than I was (12 years) so I was never really close to him, but he was my oldest brother and growing up the way I did, I knew more about him for stories I was told them from actual experience. I remember the last time I saw him, I was living in California. My mom called me and told me that she didn't think he would make it through the weekend, so I got on the first plane out of Cali, back to Georgia (over $1,000 ticket) and make it home to see him that weekend. I spent all weekend at his home in Jacksonville, but by this time he didn't know who I was or where he was at. I left on Sunday and flew home and my mom called on Wednesday and told me he had passed.
Green:
Green is the color of my birth stone...EMERALDS. I was born on my mothers birthday so mine and my mom's birth stone is emeralds. My mother used to have a huge emerald ring with white diamonds on each side of it. I always remembered looking at it and trying it on and playing with it. When I think of green, the first thing that comes to my mind is my mom. It represents the love that she always gave me and the protection she always provides. She has always been my security blanket and the fact that I always know that she will be there for me no matter what, has always helped me
Royal Blue and Violet:
These are deep colors that represent power and life to me. The dark deep colors mean passion, and power, and strength when ever I think of them. Violet was the favorite color of my last partner. He loved this color and actually painted our bedroom this color once. He was open and loud and proud, and I guess that is what this color represents...in you face!! Royal blue is an offset of the Violet, where as Violet is in your face, Royal Blue still represents power but in more of a demure way. I think this is where we met in the middle. I would be more of a royal blue while he was more of a violet.
Orange:
I was not sure as to what orange represented to me on a personal level, so I went on a search for other meanings of the color, this what I found....Orange is one of the healing colors. It is said to increase the craving for food. It also stimulates enthusiasm and creativity. Orange means vitality with endurance. People who like orange are usually thoughtful and sincere. Lady luck's color is orange. I have been told that if a change of any kind is need in life, just burn an orange candle for 7 nights.
Yellow:
Yellow was also something that I couldn't place in my life for any specific reason, so I went back to the web site and this is what I found. The web site says that yellow symbolizes wisdom along with joy and happiness. People of high intellect favor yellow. Yellow daffodils are a symbols of unrequited love. Like the energy of a bright sunny day, yellow brings clarity and awareness. The shade of yellow determines its effect: Yellow-green can mean deceit, and creates a disoriented feeling. Orange-yellow imparts a sense of establishment. Clean light yellow clears the mind, making it active and alert.
Each of these colors mean something different things to me and some more then others. the first four are hte most important ones, but I am still trying to place the other two some place in my life. I know there has to be a place some where but so far I have not come up with any thing. I feel like I do have some of the characteristics of the last two colors, but that i all, but I am open for discussion.
This is the link to the website that breaks down the meaning of different colors...http://crystal-cure.com/color.html
Monday, March 5, 2012
Dream from the other night...
I decided to start posting some of my nightly dreams on here. I am working to get more in touch with what they are telling me and what I can learn from them. This is one that I had the other night....
I got to the entrance to the bridge that crosses over the lake to take me to my house and it was gone. As I am standing there I realize that it is the last day of school (finals day) and they have taking down the bridge because they are closing down for the summer. I then start to think if today was the last day of school then I have not gone to any of my final exam classes and so I have flunked all my classes this quarter. I turn to run through the woods to get home and there is a bunch of police cars blocking the road back to my house and they tell me I have to walk all the way around the forest and I get pissed off. I turn around start to walk the other way and I start thinking about what I am going to tell my mother about failing all my classes. I can't even remember the last time I went to class, but I do remember passing some kind of PE class but nothing else. I start to follow these other guys that are jumping the baricades and start following a path that some how leads me to top of a building and I am walking around trying to figure out how to get down so I a can continue to try to get home. As I am doing this, I start to think how can I still be in college at the age of 42. That how have I been in school for 24 years and still not passed yet, there is no way I can still be attending school, what is this some kind of life long job to just go to school. I start trying to remember where all the years went and figure out if I am really 42 or did I forget something and really still only 24. At the same time I am trying to figure out how I am going to tell my mom I didn't pass and how I am probably going to have to pay for the next quarter and trying to figure out where I am going to get the money to do it. The whole time I am alone. I open a door and get inside a tube that is winding downward counter clock wise and I start to slide down the tube trying to get to the bottom so I can get out of the building and continue my way home...all I want is to get home....then I woke up.
Well that is it, I have been working with Jack to help me analyze these dreams. I have a few others that I will post soon. I know this is something that is private but also something that maybe someone will read and understand it more then I do and drop me a line on what they are getting out of it. I don't know if you can really understand it with out understanding me and the issues that are going on in my life right now. I know Jack knows more about these issues so he has a better understanding of where some of this is coming from. But the final analysis will have to come from with in myself, and I will have to be the one to sit down and understand what the universe is trying to tell me and act upon this...
Oh well, if anyone has any feed back, don't be afraid to drop me a line.
I am at some huge house some place and I am waiting on a ride to some where. I am waiting on some special kind of ride, not just a car to pick me up. As I am waiting a horse pulling a stage coach with one rider on it goes by. Then a huge stage coach come to the front of the house, its bright red and is pulled by two horses. There is a old 1930's car inside the front half of the coach and they are putting people in the back. When it takes off it sounds like a truck leaving so it must have some kind of motor to help the horses pull the coach. I then see another single stage coach go by, and then another bright red one with a car. I am still waiting on my ride. I don't remember where I am supposed to be going. I am thinking I am with someone at this point but I don't remember. As I am standing there a helicopter comes sliding down the road next to a car. Its like the helicopter is trying to push the car off the road and make it stop, but it is on the ground and they are sliding to a stop. I ran over to see what is going on, and a black man gets out of the car and opens the door to the helicopter and there are three black women sitting inside holding a book. One lady kisses the man and tells him she thought it was her time because she had just read his book (the man wrote the book the ladies were holding) and she read a passage out of it like a verse from the bible. I know that bible verse has meaning but I can't remember what it was. It has something to do with your time expiring and being taken up. I am just standing there watching the entire time.
It is now dark and I am still at this huge house, and it seems more like a frat house in college (later it becomes my old college) and I am looking out the window at young college age boys and girls running around and making out on the front lawn. This part is very hard to explain because it jumps around so much, but I will try. This part had a friend of mine from high school (one of my high school crushes, but he was straight also) but he never talked to me. I was the one trying to talk to him and warn him someone was going to beat him up because he was making out with some other guys girl. This other guy had a baseball bat and was hitting dummies and I said that is better then hitting the real thing, now you get your aggression's out, he looked at me and told me "it is just practice for the real thing" Stuart (that is my friends name) walks past me with a bat in his hand and I try to tell him about the other guy, but he ignores me and keeps on walking back to the house, so I follow him (I was outside the house this whole time, now I am trying to get back into it). I have to climb back inside the house and I am in some kind of cafeteria area and I have to climb over some stuff to get back in. Other guys are very easily climbing up and over the metal cabinets and shelves but I am struggling to get my feet in the right spot and pull my self up. I watch 3 or 4 guys just jump up and over while I am still struggling. I finally stop and and I am watching this line of guys behind the cafeteria food line and two other guys come in, one is the one with the bat and the other has a bowl of food of some kind. The one with the food starts to poor it over the head of one of the guys on the food line like some kind of initiation and then on another one and then another one. The guy with the bat is standing next to him. Someone pours something on main guy with the bowl (I don't remember who) and he said he didn't care because it was his last day at this school...he was done, he was graduated. This is when I started to try to leave.
I am trying to leave to get back to my house and ever turn I take it seems to be blocked. I turn and climb across the cafateria food line and get into the dinning area and there is a glass wall blocking me so I have to go a different direction. I end up taking a hall way that leads to the pool area were they are having a swim meet and I remember my best friend Russ from college is supposed to be on the team (he never really was in college) but I can't find him. I finally get out of building and I am walking to wards the lake and forest that seperates the school from my house but I pass this campus security guard as I am leaving the building and he starts to follow me. He grabs me and starts asking about the bad check I wrote to the school for $150,000. I pull away and tell him he is crazy and I didn't write a check like that, and he grabs me again and keeps on and want let go. I grab his throat and try to choak him but he just laughs at me. I don't have the strength to hurt him. I finally get enough pressure on his wind pipe and he starts to gasp for air and lets me go. I start to run but he gets up and comes after me again yelling about the check. He grabs me again and I scream "rape" as loud as I can and it turns into this super high pitch sound. Kind of like what I heard Tuesday at the healing. It was like a siren going off and he then backed off and people turned around to look at me and see what what happening and then a cop came running over to help. I took off running agian, just trying to get home....
I got to the entrance to the bridge that crosses over the lake to take me to my house and it was gone. As I am standing there I realize that it is the last day of school (finals day) and they have taking down the bridge because they are closing down for the summer. I then start to think if today was the last day of school then I have not gone to any of my final exam classes and so I have flunked all my classes this quarter. I turn to run through the woods to get home and there is a bunch of police cars blocking the road back to my house and they tell me I have to walk all the way around the forest and I get pissed off. I turn around start to walk the other way and I start thinking about what I am going to tell my mother about failing all my classes. I can't even remember the last time I went to class, but I do remember passing some kind of PE class but nothing else. I start to follow these other guys that are jumping the baricades and start following a path that some how leads me to top of a building and I am walking around trying to figure out how to get down so I a can continue to try to get home. As I am doing this, I start to think how can I still be in college at the age of 42. That how have I been in school for 24 years and still not passed yet, there is no way I can still be attending school, what is this some kind of life long job to just go to school. I start trying to remember where all the years went and figure out if I am really 42 or did I forget something and really still only 24. At the same time I am trying to figure out how I am going to tell my mom I didn't pass and how I am probably going to have to pay for the next quarter and trying to figure out where I am going to get the money to do it. The whole time I am alone. I open a door and get inside a tube that is winding downward counter clock wise and I start to slide down the tube trying to get to the bottom so I can get out of the building and continue my way home...all I want is to get home....then I woke up.
Well that is it, I have been working with Jack to help me analyze these dreams. I have a few others that I will post soon. I know this is something that is private but also something that maybe someone will read and understand it more then I do and drop me a line on what they are getting out of it. I don't know if you can really understand it with out understanding me and the issues that are going on in my life right now. I know Jack knows more about these issues so he has a better understanding of where some of this is coming from. But the final analysis will have to come from with in myself, and I will have to be the one to sit down and understand what the universe is trying to tell me and act upon this...
Oh well, if anyone has any feed back, don't be afraid to drop me a line.
Changes
WOW...there has been so much going on lately that I have not had time to get anything done. I have been so busy at work and so busy with myself that this blog has suffered and I have not been able to add anything new to it in over a month. I have decided to start adding my dreams to this so I will have a record of all the changes that are have been going on in my mind and soul.
I have discovered so much about my self over the past few months with the help and direction of my friend Jack and a few of his friends. The love and compassion that Jack has shown me is more then I have ever experienced in my life. It is something that is honest and true. He challenges me in why that no friend has ever done. He allow me to say what in my heart and head and allow me to get my feelings out and then helps me to understand them so I can move forward. I have had good friends in the past but I have never really shared my feelings or emotions with them, I have just never felt very comfortable doing this with anyone. Jack is different, he makes it easy to talk to him and telling him what is going on in my head, the fact is that he usually knows there is something wrong with me before I am willing to admit it. He looks at me and asks me what is wrong, and even if I tell him I am "all good", he can see so far into my soul, he knows something is bothering me. Usually a while later what ever it is that he saw will surface and I will end up pouring my guts out to him. He is always there to comfort me and listen, but more importantly he will not allow me to wallow in self pity. He forces me to face what the real problem is and move past it. I know that sometimes he doesn't understand my feelings toward him, and to be honest sometimes I don't either, but I do know that they come from a place of true love and total respect for what he has done for me and what he given me over the past 8-9 months. I have never had a friend like this, but it is something very special and something that I cherish so much right now. He helps me to understand my feelings toward myself and to whats is going on around me and helps me to face my fears like no one else ever has.
I know in my heart that no matter what happens, he will always be there for me in any way that I need him. The only thing that bothers me is, how do I repay so much love and understanding? How do I give back to someone that gives so much of themselves to me? I have told him that I will be there for him anytime he needs me or ask anything of me, but the thing is that he very rarely ask anything of me. I have told him over and over that my friendship for him has no limits on time or distance. That when I commit to someone as a friend, I will always be there for that person 24/7 - 365 days a year. It doesn't matter to me if we are 100's of miles apart and one day he calls me out of the blue, I am there. I really don't think he truly understands what I am saying when I tell him this, but it is exactly what I say it is, there is no mountain that I want climb for my friends and the ones that show me love. I have helped him a little over the past couple of weeks with troubles with his car, but it is so small to what he has given me. I guess that is the true definition of a friend...you take from each other what you need and you give to each other when it is needed. Since we all have different needs in our lives on a day to day basis, the people that we truly call our friends will be the ones that will always stand by us. They will be the ones that will get in our faces, but never turn their backs on us. The ones that we can laugh and cry with and they will listen. The ones that challenge us on a day to day basis and truly loves you for who you are and see who you can truly become.
This is not really where I was heading with this post, it just seemed to be what was weighing on my mind right now. Jack sometimes reads this blog and if he happens to read this post, I hope he knows how much I love him and how much his love for me means to me. I also know if he does read this he will tell me to stop put him up on a pedestal, and really I am not. I am just expressing the changes that are going on in my life and right now he happens to be a major influence in them. I know one day soon he will be moving on, and I think I am OK with that. One important things that I learned from him (after an emotional break down) was the difference between attachment and connection. The ways to be connected to someone with true and pure love and kindness as apposed to be attached to someone that are more linked to fear and worry of loss.
Live in Love and not in Fear!!
I am learning each day new and exciting things about myself and ways to make my life greater.
I have discovered so much about my self over the past few months with the help and direction of my friend Jack and a few of his friends. The love and compassion that Jack has shown me is more then I have ever experienced in my life. It is something that is honest and true. He challenges me in why that no friend has ever done. He allow me to say what in my heart and head and allow me to get my feelings out and then helps me to understand them so I can move forward. I have had good friends in the past but I have never really shared my feelings or emotions with them, I have just never felt very comfortable doing this with anyone. Jack is different, he makes it easy to talk to him and telling him what is going on in my head, the fact is that he usually knows there is something wrong with me before I am willing to admit it. He looks at me and asks me what is wrong, and even if I tell him I am "all good", he can see so far into my soul, he knows something is bothering me. Usually a while later what ever it is that he saw will surface and I will end up pouring my guts out to him. He is always there to comfort me and listen, but more importantly he will not allow me to wallow in self pity. He forces me to face what the real problem is and move past it. I know that sometimes he doesn't understand my feelings toward him, and to be honest sometimes I don't either, but I do know that they come from a place of true love and total respect for what he has done for me and what he given me over the past 8-9 months. I have never had a friend like this, but it is something very special and something that I cherish so much right now. He helps me to understand my feelings toward myself and to whats is going on around me and helps me to face my fears like no one else ever has.
I know in my heart that no matter what happens, he will always be there for me in any way that I need him. The only thing that bothers me is, how do I repay so much love and understanding? How do I give back to someone that gives so much of themselves to me? I have told him that I will be there for him anytime he needs me or ask anything of me, but the thing is that he very rarely ask anything of me. I have told him over and over that my friendship for him has no limits on time or distance. That when I commit to someone as a friend, I will always be there for that person 24/7 - 365 days a year. It doesn't matter to me if we are 100's of miles apart and one day he calls me out of the blue, I am there. I really don't think he truly understands what I am saying when I tell him this, but it is exactly what I say it is, there is no mountain that I want climb for my friends and the ones that show me love. I have helped him a little over the past couple of weeks with troubles with his car, but it is so small to what he has given me. I guess that is the true definition of a friend...you take from each other what you need and you give to each other when it is needed. Since we all have different needs in our lives on a day to day basis, the people that we truly call our friends will be the ones that will always stand by us. They will be the ones that will get in our faces, but never turn their backs on us. The ones that we can laugh and cry with and they will listen. The ones that challenge us on a day to day basis and truly loves you for who you are and see who you can truly become.
This is not really where I was heading with this post, it just seemed to be what was weighing on my mind right now. Jack sometimes reads this blog and if he happens to read this post, I hope he knows how much I love him and how much his love for me means to me. I also know if he does read this he will tell me to stop put him up on a pedestal, and really I am not. I am just expressing the changes that are going on in my life and right now he happens to be a major influence in them. I know one day soon he will be moving on, and I think I am OK with that. One important things that I learned from him (after an emotional break down) was the difference between attachment and connection. The ways to be connected to someone with true and pure love and kindness as apposed to be attached to someone that are more linked to fear and worry of loss.
Live in Love and not in Fear!!
I am learning each day new and exciting things about myself and ways to make my life greater.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Gowning UP!!
I started this blog to talk about the changes in my life over the past few months, and I will be doing that, but I have decided to use this as a personal journal and put all lot of my life experiances in here instead. I will still be posting what is going on now with me but I want to talk about the things that brought me to this point in my life and how these changes have had such a huge effect on everything I am now and how much I have changed from what I was. As you read (but you need to start from the bottom) you will see the changes in me and see how my confidence has grown....so now back to your regularly scheduled program.
I grew up in a small town in South Georgia with a mother that knew everything I did 24/7. I had a very good life, very loving parents, stable life and was never really denied anything I ever wanted. I was surrounded by love and affection my whole life, so why did I feel the need to hide who I really was? Why was I so afraid to come out of the closet and tell my parents who I really was? Why did I spend some much time and energy stressing over what everyone would think of me when I knew they all loved me and all would except me? Why, Why, Why???
All through high school, I was deep in the closet and usually scared to death that someone would find out my secret. I had three older brothers that all went to this same high school and all were football jocks and very popular. Everyone knew the last name of my family and that made it very hard to be myself when everyone was looking for another person like my three brothers. I didn't play football or baseball or basketball like they did, I played golf. I was a very popular kid during my last couple of years in school and had a relativity good time considering I was lying to myself and to everyone else. By this time I had gotten very good at hiding myself from every one. I learned how to avoid certain situations that might expose me. My biggest trick was that I learned how to flirt with girls with out actually ever asking one of them out. All my friends and parents always saw me around other girls but there was never anything going on. I was so sacred of someone finding out my secret that once I had a male friend of mine make a pass at me while we were at Pizza Hut with two other friends. We were sitting on the same side of the booth together and he started rubbing my leg under the table, and I was so scared that they (all three of them) were playing a joke on me to see how I would react that I pushed his hand away and laughed it off. He never did it again and to this day I have never asked him about it. I have tried to look him up, his mom told me he lived in Atlanta some place, but I have never been able to find him.
When it came down to time for me to pick a college to go to, I turned down the college I really wanted to go to so I could go to one that was more off the radar of my parents. I grew up a huge UGA fan and always wanted to go to school there, but I was to scared to go because my mother had a hot line on everything that was going on at this school. She knew the parents of all my friends that went to school there and it only made my parinoia grow, so I chose a smaller school called Georgia Southern University, and that is were I spent the next 8 years of my life. That is were I met my first boyfriend. That is where I met my first life long best friend. That is also were I fell in love for the first time with someone that I could never have because he was striaght.
When I got to college I spent the first year living in a dorm with a boy everyone called Buddy. He was a year older then I was and we did OK as roommates, but we never really got along that well. He ended up getting a girl friend and she ended up spending more time in our little dorm room then I did, so I decided to change rooms. This was when I started to learn that as a Gemini I had power to munipulate my surroundings and get people to do what I wanted them to do. One night during a fire drill in the door, I saw this other boy in the doom and decided that this was the person that I wanted to live with instead of Buddy and his girlfriend. So by the end of the first quarter, I had a new roommate. It happened so fast and so easy, I was astonished.
I went through the rest of the year living with Scott and got to know all his friends but they were all straight so I was till hiding in the closet. At the end of the first year I got a job working as a pizza delivery guy and rented a place on campus with a friend of a friend and decided to spend this time trying to firgure out what I was doing and what I was going to do. Over the summer I made a few new friends at the pizza place but once again they were all striaght. Now please don't think I have a problem with straight guys but I was really in need to meet up with some gay people for once. I was a 20 year old male that had never known (or that I knew of) any other gay people in my life.
The start of the next year was where my life changed in fantastic ways and really bad ways. I met my best friend, and I also fell head over heals in love for the first time, but the problem was that they were the same person and this person was straight. His name was Russ and I met him on a racqet ball court one day in the rain. He was playing alone and me and Scott showed up and there was something that about him that drew me to him and I had to get to know him. Scott got mad and left and took my car home and my little plan was set into place. I stayed behind and played with Russ in the rain for a few more hours and then he took me home. I asked him if he wanted to go get some dinner and he agreed so after he dropped me off, I took a shower and headed to his dorm room to pick him up. We ate and hung out all night long and everything kind of took off from there.
By the end of the quarter, we were never apart except in class and to sleep. We studied together, we ate together, we played together..if you saw Ross (that is the name I used to go by) you would see Russ. As all this continued to happened, I learned what Russ was about and knew he was straight but I fell in love with him the very first time I layed eyes on him. There was nothing I could do, there was nothing I could feel expect the need to be with Russ. He became my world so fast that I really didn't know how to handle it, and since I still had not meet any other gay people (this was before the internet), I had no one to talk about my feelings with, so I just kept them bottled up on the inside. The more time I spent with him, the more empty I became. My need for love from the outside of myself was tearing down the person on the inside. By the summer time, we were living together and I had gotten him a job at the place where I was working, now we were really never apart. I also introduced him to one of my life long girl friends and to my own regrets they fell in love and started dating.
After they started dating my whole life went into the trash. I went into a serious depression and nothing or no one could bring me out, well one person could, but he was to busy with his girlfriend. I was no longer the center point of his life, he now had another person to focus his attention on, but that left me completely alone, or so I thought. My mind was all over the place and I was looking any place I could to find something...anything. Well this is when it finally happened, a boy was hired at work that turned out to be GAY!! When I first met him, I just had a feeling that he was gay, so I put my Gemini powers to work again and decided to real him into me like a spider with a fly, and I did. I now had my first boyfriend, and I though the world would open up and all things would be golden from now on. I was wrong, no matter what I did, or what amount of time I spent with Daman, there was still a hole in my life that only Russ could fill. No matter how much time I would spend with Daman, I would always be thinking about Russ and what he was doing with his girlfriend. This is when I really went over the deep end.
I made the conquence decision to break up with a boy that really liked me, I don't want to say love becuase I am not sure if we ever got that far, and start dating a girl so I could spend more time with Russ and his girlfriend. I thought that if I had a girlfriend, then we could double date and I would get to spend time with Russ again, man I was fucked in the head. I through away something that could have been special and was using a girl all just to fill my own personal fantasy to be loved by Russ. I don't know where my head was at this time in my life. I was really messed up!!
I spent 3 years with this girl until I came to the reilazation of who I really was and that is when I decided that I had to move and San Francisco was going to be the spot. I took a weeks vacation and flew out there all by myself and spent the time just exploring and trying to decide if I could do this on my own. I thought that the only way that I can get over Russ is to get away from Russ. I knew this other girl at school that had two gay friends so once again I used my Gemini powers and made her my friend and then made both of her friends my friends and then made one of them my boyfriend and we all deiced to pack up and move to San Francisco together. It all happened so quick and seemed to happen so easy. By this time I had already graduated from college and had my degree and was ready to take on the world. I had my new boyfriend, I had two good friends, I had gay friends, we had great plans for the future and we were all going to do this together.
I was on my way.....
I grew up in a small town in South Georgia with a mother that knew everything I did 24/7. I had a very good life, very loving parents, stable life and was never really denied anything I ever wanted. I was surrounded by love and affection my whole life, so why did I feel the need to hide who I really was? Why was I so afraid to come out of the closet and tell my parents who I really was? Why did I spend some much time and energy stressing over what everyone would think of me when I knew they all loved me and all would except me? Why, Why, Why???
All through high school, I was deep in the closet and usually scared to death that someone would find out my secret. I had three older brothers that all went to this same high school and all were football jocks and very popular. Everyone knew the last name of my family and that made it very hard to be myself when everyone was looking for another person like my three brothers. I didn't play football or baseball or basketball like they did, I played golf. I was a very popular kid during my last couple of years in school and had a relativity good time considering I was lying to myself and to everyone else. By this time I had gotten very good at hiding myself from every one. I learned how to avoid certain situations that might expose me. My biggest trick was that I learned how to flirt with girls with out actually ever asking one of them out. All my friends and parents always saw me around other girls but there was never anything going on. I was so sacred of someone finding out my secret that once I had a male friend of mine make a pass at me while we were at Pizza Hut with two other friends. We were sitting on the same side of the booth together and he started rubbing my leg under the table, and I was so scared that they (all three of them) were playing a joke on me to see how I would react that I pushed his hand away and laughed it off. He never did it again and to this day I have never asked him about it. I have tried to look him up, his mom told me he lived in Atlanta some place, but I have never been able to find him.
When it came down to time for me to pick a college to go to, I turned down the college I really wanted to go to so I could go to one that was more off the radar of my parents. I grew up a huge UGA fan and always wanted to go to school there, but I was to scared to go because my mother had a hot line on everything that was going on at this school. She knew the parents of all my friends that went to school there and it only made my parinoia grow, so I chose a smaller school called Georgia Southern University, and that is were I spent the next 8 years of my life. That is were I met my first boyfriend. That is where I met my first life long best friend. That is also were I fell in love for the first time with someone that I could never have because he was striaght.
When I got to college I spent the first year living in a dorm with a boy everyone called Buddy. He was a year older then I was and we did OK as roommates, but we never really got along that well. He ended up getting a girl friend and she ended up spending more time in our little dorm room then I did, so I decided to change rooms. This was when I started to learn that as a Gemini I had power to munipulate my surroundings and get people to do what I wanted them to do. One night during a fire drill in the door, I saw this other boy in the doom and decided that this was the person that I wanted to live with instead of Buddy and his girlfriend. So by the end of the first quarter, I had a new roommate. It happened so fast and so easy, I was astonished.
I went through the rest of the year living with Scott and got to know all his friends but they were all straight so I was till hiding in the closet. At the end of the first year I got a job working as a pizza delivery guy and rented a place on campus with a friend of a friend and decided to spend this time trying to firgure out what I was doing and what I was going to do. Over the summer I made a few new friends at the pizza place but once again they were all striaght. Now please don't think I have a problem with straight guys but I was really in need to meet up with some gay people for once. I was a 20 year old male that had never known (or that I knew of) any other gay people in my life.
The start of the next year was where my life changed in fantastic ways and really bad ways. I met my best friend, and I also fell head over heals in love for the first time, but the problem was that they were the same person and this person was straight. His name was Russ and I met him on a racqet ball court one day in the rain. He was playing alone and me and Scott showed up and there was something that about him that drew me to him and I had to get to know him. Scott got mad and left and took my car home and my little plan was set into place. I stayed behind and played with Russ in the rain for a few more hours and then he took me home. I asked him if he wanted to go get some dinner and he agreed so after he dropped me off, I took a shower and headed to his dorm room to pick him up. We ate and hung out all night long and everything kind of took off from there.
By the end of the quarter, we were never apart except in class and to sleep. We studied together, we ate together, we played together..if you saw Ross (that is the name I used to go by) you would see Russ. As all this continued to happened, I learned what Russ was about and knew he was straight but I fell in love with him the very first time I layed eyes on him. There was nothing I could do, there was nothing I could feel expect the need to be with Russ. He became my world so fast that I really didn't know how to handle it, and since I still had not meet any other gay people (this was before the internet), I had no one to talk about my feelings with, so I just kept them bottled up on the inside. The more time I spent with him, the more empty I became. My need for love from the outside of myself was tearing down the person on the inside. By the summer time, we were living together and I had gotten him a job at the place where I was working, now we were really never apart. I also introduced him to one of my life long girl friends and to my own regrets they fell in love and started dating.
After they started dating my whole life went into the trash. I went into a serious depression and nothing or no one could bring me out, well one person could, but he was to busy with his girlfriend. I was no longer the center point of his life, he now had another person to focus his attention on, but that left me completely alone, or so I thought. My mind was all over the place and I was looking any place I could to find something...anything. Well this is when it finally happened, a boy was hired at work that turned out to be GAY!! When I first met him, I just had a feeling that he was gay, so I put my Gemini powers to work again and decided to real him into me like a spider with a fly, and I did. I now had my first boyfriend, and I though the world would open up and all things would be golden from now on. I was wrong, no matter what I did, or what amount of time I spent with Daman, there was still a hole in my life that only Russ could fill. No matter how much time I would spend with Daman, I would always be thinking about Russ and what he was doing with his girlfriend. This is when I really went over the deep end.
I made the conquence decision to break up with a boy that really liked me, I don't want to say love becuase I am not sure if we ever got that far, and start dating a girl so I could spend more time with Russ and his girlfriend. I thought that if I had a girlfriend, then we could double date and I would get to spend time with Russ again, man I was fucked in the head. I through away something that could have been special and was using a girl all just to fill my own personal fantasy to be loved by Russ. I don't know where my head was at this time in my life. I was really messed up!!
I spent 3 years with this girl until I came to the reilazation of who I really was and that is when I decided that I had to move and San Francisco was going to be the spot. I took a weeks vacation and flew out there all by myself and spent the time just exploring and trying to decide if I could do this on my own. I thought that the only way that I can get over Russ is to get away from Russ. I knew this other girl at school that had two gay friends so once again I used my Gemini powers and made her my friend and then made both of her friends my friends and then made one of them my boyfriend and we all deiced to pack up and move to San Francisco together. It all happened so quick and seemed to happen so easy. By this time I had already graduated from college and had my degree and was ready to take on the world. I had my new boyfriend, I had two good friends, I had gay friends, we had great plans for the future and we were all going to do this together.
I was on my way.....
Friday, January 27, 2012
Red Thread of Fate
I really don't know how to start this post or were I am going to be going with it, but for some reason I just think it is very important. Over the past few months I have started listening to myself and paying more attention to the things that happen around me. This subject is something that has started appearing in my life over and over again at a higher degree of frequency for the last few weeks. I don't know if I can honestly say that this just started appearing in my life, its more like I just started paying attention to it and noticing its appearance. Seeing that something keeps coming up with this degree of frequency has got to be some kind of sign for me to pay attention to it.
What is the Red Thread of Fate?
An Ancient Chinese belief that states...
"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. The thread my stretch or tangle but it will never break"
What is the Red Thread of Fate?
An Ancient Chinese belief that states...
"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. The thread my stretch or tangle but it will never break"
Why has this been coming up over and over again in my life for the past few weeks...I don't really know, but I do know that it is coming up much more frequently then ever before. I also know that I can't ignore it and I have to pay attention to it.
I first started thinking about this a few months ago when I when I first met my friend Jack (read my first post) and about what brought him and me together. I was thinking about what brought me to call Jack on that fateful day instead of the person I usually call. What happened on that day that kept me going back to see him over and over again and what finally connected between us that brought the love we feel for each other as friends to light. This connection that we made on that first day has kept us together and has totally changed my life in more ways then I can imagine right now. This interaction with Jack has brought me to a different level of conconses and has opened my eyes to things I never knew exsisted or had ever heard of. This level of conconsis has allowed me to see things in different ways then I have seen them before and brought new ideas and new ways of preceving things into my life.
This thread that I have tired with Jack has also brought me another connection with one of his friends. This connection in turn brought up the discussion of the topic of how we are all connected together in some way. Last week the three of us sat around and discussed how we are all connected through out time and how ever little decision we make each day effects what happens to us today and also how these decisions effect us and our families and families family for generations to come. How the decisions that our great grand parents made has brought us all to this point in time and what things had to happen to bring the three of us together sitting in Jack's living room having this discussion. Even thought I have thought about how our decisions effect us on a day to day level, I have never thought about it on such a universal scale.
The last discussion that I had with my dad before he passed a way was about this very same topic. We talked about how each day we make a million different decisions and since he travels in his business, every time the decides to go left instead of going right effects his life. We never thought about how much the decisions he made also effected everyone else's life around him. Where the decision to turn left down a street to go home caused him to drive by a house with a child playing in the yard and that child to run out in front of his truck and him hitting that child and killing him, or turning right to go down a different street and get home with nothing happening. What effect would that have on all the children that child might have or have had depending on what decision my dad made on that day. By turning right at the stop sign, he might has saves 1000's of future lives.
About a week later this thread of thought came up again...in a negative way. On Monday night Tony, a manager that works in one of my other units, left work around 11:00 pm and was heading home when a horse jumped the fence of the pasture where it was kept and went through the passenger side window of his car. This caused Tony to be thrown out of his car and has put him in a coma in the hospital on life support. Can you imagine the odds of a horse jumping the fence of a pasture and hitting a car going 60 miles per hour, and the even great odds that the horse will hit the car exactly at the right moment to allow it go throw the passenger side window of a moving car. There are a million little things that would have to happen to make this split second event take place. How many pieces in the universe would have to be pulled together over all the past times to allow a horse to jump a fence and land in a passenger side window of a car going 60 mph on dark road at 11 pm at night? Astronomical!!!
Then tonight, three day later, I am watching the pilot episode of a new show called "Touch". It is about a little boy that is autistic and doesn't talk and has never talked. He uses numbers to communicate and is in touch with the universe and the effect it has on everyone's life. Basically he can see how the RED THREAD OF FATE is tied to each and every one of us. All these thoughts of the string of fate and how we are effected by them seem to be speeding up. It is making me a bit uneasy about what the universe is trying to tell me or to show me. This greater degree of frequency has caused me wonder if something is coming my way that I need to be looking out for. Is the ties that I have with Jack and his friend opened my eyes so much to allow me to see what is coming next? Is the universe telling me "here it comes, get ready"? Has the string brought me to them to allow me to open my eyes so when something does happen I will be aware of it and be ready for it? I do know that I have a greater awareness for what is happening around me now and I am being more aware of what I am doing and what I am saying each day.
The Red String of Fate... I know my string is tied to Jack, but who has a string tied to me?
I first started thinking about this a few months ago when I when I first met my friend Jack (read my first post) and about what brought him and me together. I was thinking about what brought me to call Jack on that fateful day instead of the person I usually call. What happened on that day that kept me going back to see him over and over again and what finally connected between us that brought the love we feel for each other as friends to light. This connection that we made on that first day has kept us together and has totally changed my life in more ways then I can imagine right now. This interaction with Jack has brought me to a different level of conconses and has opened my eyes to things I never knew exsisted or had ever heard of. This level of conconsis has allowed me to see things in different ways then I have seen them before and brought new ideas and new ways of preceving things into my life.
This thread that I have tired with Jack has also brought me another connection with one of his friends. This connection in turn brought up the discussion of the topic of how we are all connected together in some way. Last week the three of us sat around and discussed how we are all connected through out time and how ever little decision we make each day effects what happens to us today and also how these decisions effect us and our families and families family for generations to come. How the decisions that our great grand parents made has brought us all to this point in time and what things had to happen to bring the three of us together sitting in Jack's living room having this discussion. Even thought I have thought about how our decisions effect us on a day to day level, I have never thought about it on such a universal scale.
The last discussion that I had with my dad before he passed a way was about this very same topic. We talked about how each day we make a million different decisions and since he travels in his business, every time the decides to go left instead of going right effects his life. We never thought about how much the decisions he made also effected everyone else's life around him. Where the decision to turn left down a street to go home caused him to drive by a house with a child playing in the yard and that child to run out in front of his truck and him hitting that child and killing him, or turning right to go down a different street and get home with nothing happening. What effect would that have on all the children that child might have or have had depending on what decision my dad made on that day. By turning right at the stop sign, he might has saves 1000's of future lives.
About a week later this thread of thought came up again...in a negative way. On Monday night Tony, a manager that works in one of my other units, left work around 11:00 pm and was heading home when a horse jumped the fence of the pasture where it was kept and went through the passenger side window of his car. This caused Tony to be thrown out of his car and has put him in a coma in the hospital on life support. Can you imagine the odds of a horse jumping the fence of a pasture and hitting a car going 60 miles per hour, and the even great odds that the horse will hit the car exactly at the right moment to allow it go throw the passenger side window of a moving car. There are a million little things that would have to happen to make this split second event take place. How many pieces in the universe would have to be pulled together over all the past times to allow a horse to jump a fence and land in a passenger side window of a car going 60 mph on dark road at 11 pm at night? Astronomical!!!
Then tonight, three day later, I am watching the pilot episode of a new show called "Touch". It is about a little boy that is autistic and doesn't talk and has never talked. He uses numbers to communicate and is in touch with the universe and the effect it has on everyone's life. Basically he can see how the RED THREAD OF FATE is tied to each and every one of us. All these thoughts of the string of fate and how we are effected by them seem to be speeding up. It is making me a bit uneasy about what the universe is trying to tell me or to show me. This greater degree of frequency has caused me wonder if something is coming my way that I need to be looking out for. Is the ties that I have with Jack and his friend opened my eyes so much to allow me to see what is coming next? Is the universe telling me "here it comes, get ready"? Has the string brought me to them to allow me to open my eyes so when something does happen I will be aware of it and be ready for it? I do know that I have a greater awareness for what is happening around me now and I am being more aware of what I am doing and what I am saying each day.
The Red String of Fate... I know my string is tied to Jack, but who has a string tied to me?
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