Whats up blogger world....
Its another day in my ever changing life, usually pretty good and some times pretty sad. I always try to keep my head up and look to the bright side of things and let the bad things pass me by. This is something my dad always tried to tell me when I was little, it does you no good to focus on the bad things in life, they are always going to be there so you might as well do everything you can to block them out. Some times it is easier then you think and some times it is almost impossible. I guess I have always had a pretty good life, most kids would have died to have the family and parents I had, it is just to bad that I didn't see that at the time. I always wanted someone else's life, always wanted to be some place else and be living someone else's life. I always felt like that growing up in small town and being GAY, I was missing out on everything. While this is partly true, the things I missed out on ended up being my own fault. I was the one that chose to hide and run scared in my life. I was the one that chose not to stand up for myself and tell everyone who and what I really was and I was the one that chose to miss out on so many great things growing up.
I can't sit here and say that my life was bad, but it was far from it. It was very materialistic and I was spoiled as a child. I usually got most anything I ever wanted, when ever I wanted, but I was loved very much by my family. I had three big brothers that protected me and I had two parents that lived together for over 50 years til my dad passed away. My mom is still alive and I do everything I can to make her proud of me and show her that she did a good job raising me. I love my brothers and my parents, I just wish I could love my self as much.
I have this crazy instinct that draws me to certain people. People that I wish I could have been like, people that fascinate me and really push my limits. If you don't push me and you don't challenge me, then even if I do become friends with you I will usually fade away. I am always looking for that special person that I think is going to fill my soul with all these wonderful things and make the sun shine brighter and the birds sound sweeter, but it never seems to happen. When I do find someone that I think might be that person, something is just a little off that never allows it to come to pass. I am learning now that it is not the people that I am finding that is failing me, it is me that is failing me. I have learned (the hard way) that it is only me that will fill me up with sun shine and make the birds sound sweeter. I have to be the one that is over flowing with before I can actually find someone else. I have to be whole, I have to be complete with myself and love my self before I can ever expect some one else to love me. If you look at this this way, why would you want to spend you time with and energy on someone that doesn't love them self and is only going to drain your energy to try to fill themselves up. If they still have holes in their hearts and souls, then all the energy that they are draining from you will never fill them up, it will only seep out of the open woulds and open holes in their lives. You will end up just as empty as they are be the time you come to your senses and move on with your life. So I have to fill my own holes and patch my own wounds and then allow myself to fill all the way up with all the love I can give myself, then go and see what happens.
Life is funny and amazing, there are so many people in life that you come across every day and you never know who you are going to run into. You never know who you are going to connect with, weather it be a boy or girl or young or old, there is just something that will draw you to certain people. You don't know what it is, you can try to analysis it and try to figure it out, but what good will that do, it is going to do what ever it is going to do (IT, referring to your soul or spirit). You can't control it and if you could, would you want to. The universe sends you things when you need them, it provides for us when were are at different crossroads in our lives. When we need support and love, it will send someone that will understand us and if things work out the way they are supposed to that person that shows up in your life is also looking for something or missing something and you will have what that person is missing. Now if you tried to control what and who you were to come in contact with each day, then you would only be getting half the story. You would only be getting what you need and you would not have the piece of the puzzle that they need and this is a very important thing. You both have to have the each others missing pieces for the the puzzle to be complete. That is the funny thing about the universe, it sees what you can't see, you just have to except what it sends to you when it sends it to you. The tricky part is figuring out how both your pieces fit together.
There are many times that two separate pieces of puzzle were brought together by the universe and instead of them trying to figure out how they fit together by listening with their heart and not with their ego, they would wonder off with out ever fitting them together. You just lost a chance to learn something new about yourself and learn something new about someone else. You lost a chance to connect with someone on a level that few know about and few will ever be patience enough to wait and see what happens. Some times when you feel like you are giving more then the other side is giving, you have to stop and think, don't react. You step back and see if what you are seeing is true or just your ego talking to you, you will usually find (well me personally) that this is not the case. I am giving what I need to be giving at this moment, and the other person is excepting my gifts, but when I step back and look at it without the ego being in control, I see myself receiving so much in return. I am receiving exactly what I need at that moment, and with time and love, I receive more then I ever gave. I get more back in return then I felt like I ever gave out. What we give and what we receive are immaterial, there is no definition to what we need at any given time. It could be money, material things, support, love, stability, or just someone to allow you to cry and listen and never judge. The list is endless, but this is how the funny shaped pieces of the puzzle fit together. You look at them and turn them over and flip them around but with time and patience and love and understanding, you figure out how they fit together and all of the sudden all those empty holes in you soul and heart start to get filled by these little pieces of the the puzzle.
Sammy
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
EMPITNESS
What do you do when you desire to be hide out weights your desire to love yourself.
What do you do when your feeling of weakness out weights your desire to be strong
What do you do when everything inside you is telling you one thing, but you heart is telling you something else.
What does it take to fill those holes inside you that you keep hoping someone will come along and fill for you. You look out side yourself over and over again and always think this one thing is going to be the answer, and all it brings is more questions.
What do you do when you come to the realization that Love and Suicide are two sides of the same coin and all you have to do is toss it in the air and see which side it lands on. Its all up to chance, its all up to fate. You have no control of it and most times you have to say in it.
You tell yourself that can change and next time it will be different and next time you will not go down the same path, but after you have walked the path again, you look back and you are on the same path. You have walked the same path again and again and continue to end up at the same location.
A wise man once said "that a fool is someone that does the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come"...that is where I am standing right now. Doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come. The out come of someone else taking away all the pain and loneliness in my life. The out come of someone else filling the hole of depression and emptiness in my life and thinking someone else will make all this better for me. The out come that I have to have someone else to make me whole.
All these out comes are false and none of them will ever come to pass. You can lean on others in times of need by but you have to be complete within yourself before you can ever get off this path.
These are all things that I am finally seeing for myself. I am seeing that I am the only one that will fill me up. No one can do this for me. No one can make me whole and no one can walk my path but me. I have to be strong within myself and I have to believe in myself if I ever plan on getting down the path of truth with myself. Looking in to the dark places and looking into caves of despair and loneliness will be the only way to truly find out who I really am and what I can really do. Many have seen this in themselves and addressed it and gone on to great and wonderful things, but many have seen the darkness and turn and run from it. Unfortuntly I am one of the ones that have seen the darkness and run from it. The darkness is scary and empty and a place you don't want to be, but if you ever plan on going any further, you have to face it.
Darkness is something that everyone has in their life. How we handle this darkness and how we face this darkness is what makes us who we are today. Doing the same thing over and over and walking the same path over and over will never truly get you to where you want to be and you will never truly understand who you can become. Life is so full of choices and decisions that we have to make a 1000 time a day. Every decision we make through out the day will determine where we end up at the end of the day.
Usually we lie to ourselves and those we love to bring about a false since of accomplishments and a false since of getting some place in out lives. Until we can honestly face ourselves in all our hardest and darkest fears we will never know who are. Those that loves us will never know who we are. We will continue to lie and deceive ourselves and those that love us until we get to a place that we don't have any idea of what the world around truly is. We will create a world of lies to hide the pain and lies to hide the lies and lies to had from those that love us. We keep telling ourselves that we are doing what is best for others and what is best for those that we love, but what we don't see is that what is best for us and what is best for the ones we love is to be completely honest with ourselves. No more lie, No more deceit, No more smoke and mirrors. How can I see my self in a mirror with all the smoke I have put up to hide myself. Does it do anyone any good, is anyone getting better from all the lies and deceit....No of course they are not.
If you fill the person you say you LOVE with lie and smoke, then they don't really love you, they only love the fake person that you have been putting in front of them. They are in love with a false image of who you think they want to see and a false image of who you are trying to be. Trying to be someone that you are not takes so much energy and waste so much time, that eventually all the lies and smoke will come crashing down. When it all comes crashing down and you are standing there naked to the world, you are all the sudden back to where you stated and you have to get back on the path and start all over again. All the time and effort you have put in to getting someone to like the false image has all been a waste to time. Just think about all the things you could have been doing and all the people you could have been attracting that will honestly love you and understand you inside. Why be so scared of these dark places, why no just walk into them and look the darkness in the eye and say FUCK YOU, this is my path and I am walking it. I am Strong, I am Honest, I am Willing, I am Loved...nothing will stand in my way.
This is where I am at right now, back on my path. I am blowing away the smoke, and taking down the walls of deceit. I have lied to those that I love the most, but most importantly I have lied to myself that they will only love me back if I put up this certain image. With out being myself and showing them who I really am and what is really going on in my life, I will always be alone and empty. I can't fill the emptiness with alcohol, or drugs or sex or porn or food, I can only fill it with honesty to myself and honesty to the ones I love. I can't be scare any more that someone might not like me or love me if they see the real me, because if they see me and don't like me, then I don't need them in my life. I only want to be honest...and all this starts with being honest with myself ever day. I have to look myself in the face and tell me that I do love me and as long as I love myself, everyone else will also. No lies, no exaggeration, no embellishments, just "it is what it is" from now on.
This is going to be very hard for me to do. This is the way I have lived my life for 40 years and by some luck or grace of god or some universal hand coming down, I have had someone that is strong enough to call me on all my bullshit and all my lies and smoke and can't be moved by my manipulation and lies step into my life. He sees through most everything I do and calls me on them. I am lucky to have this in my life right now and it is forcing me to look within myself and forcing me to stand up and look into the darkness. He can't do this for me, only I can do this, because bottom line I still have the choice to run, run from the darkness as I have always done and run from him, but I have chosen to stay and chosen to stand up and chosen to face what ever is out there and see what is on the other side. We always have choices to make, it just depends on what we do with those choices that will get us to where were are. I could continue to lie and hide from myself and from him if I really wanted to, but eventually he would get tired of my lies and leave and all the time and effort I put in to putting up smoke and mirrors will be wasted because I will find myself no better then when I first met him, stuck in the same circle of lies and deceit. I would have wasted a gift and tossed it aside like a fool. Continuing to lie to myself and continue to tell myself that I am happy doing what I am doing as the hole inside me continues to grow and grow never being able to be filled.
Although this is hard to do and still taking me time and taking a lot of effort on his part to pull a lot of things out of me. I am seeing what he has been trying to get me to see for the past year. It has taken me over a year to see everything he has been telling me and a year to take down all my walls and stop hiding from him. Its always easy to say the good things, but the not so good things, that you feel like are hidden in the dark corners have taken a lot of effort on his part. Once they are out, you will realize that what you thought was a such a dark and scary thing was not so scary after all. Shine a light on all the corners and sweep away all the cobwebs and get you house nice and tidy and clean.
My walls are down (for this person anyway) but I still have a ways to go. The best part is I actually feel lighter, I feel more at ease with myself because I don't have to remember lies to cover lies. The funny part is that I see that I was hiding from others because of all the lies and smoke that I was scared if I stayed with someone to long, I would forget what I had said and back track over my own lie, so I would hide. I can just be me now and that's all he has ever wanted from me and all I have ever wanted from myself. I still have to look into the darkness and see what is there, but only I can do that, he can't help me, I have to do this on my own.
What do you do when your feeling of weakness out weights your desire to be strong
What do you do when everything inside you is telling you one thing, but you heart is telling you something else.
What does it take to fill those holes inside you that you keep hoping someone will come along and fill for you. You look out side yourself over and over again and always think this one thing is going to be the answer, and all it brings is more questions.
What do you do when you come to the realization that Love and Suicide are two sides of the same coin and all you have to do is toss it in the air and see which side it lands on. Its all up to chance, its all up to fate. You have no control of it and most times you have to say in it.
You tell yourself that can change and next time it will be different and next time you will not go down the same path, but after you have walked the path again, you look back and you are on the same path. You have walked the same path again and again and continue to end up at the same location.
A wise man once said "that a fool is someone that does the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come"...that is where I am standing right now. Doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come. The out come of someone else taking away all the pain and loneliness in my life. The out come of someone else filling the hole of depression and emptiness in my life and thinking someone else will make all this better for me. The out come that I have to have someone else to make me whole.
All these out comes are false and none of them will ever come to pass. You can lean on others in times of need by but you have to be complete within yourself before you can ever get off this path.
These are all things that I am finally seeing for myself. I am seeing that I am the only one that will fill me up. No one can do this for me. No one can make me whole and no one can walk my path but me. I have to be strong within myself and I have to believe in myself if I ever plan on getting down the path of truth with myself. Looking in to the dark places and looking into caves of despair and loneliness will be the only way to truly find out who I really am and what I can really do. Many have seen this in themselves and addressed it and gone on to great and wonderful things, but many have seen the darkness and turn and run from it. Unfortuntly I am one of the ones that have seen the darkness and run from it. The darkness is scary and empty and a place you don't want to be, but if you ever plan on going any further, you have to face it.
Darkness is something that everyone has in their life. How we handle this darkness and how we face this darkness is what makes us who we are today. Doing the same thing over and over and walking the same path over and over will never truly get you to where you want to be and you will never truly understand who you can become. Life is so full of choices and decisions that we have to make a 1000 time a day. Every decision we make through out the day will determine where we end up at the end of the day.
Usually we lie to ourselves and those we love to bring about a false since of accomplishments and a false since of getting some place in out lives. Until we can honestly face ourselves in all our hardest and darkest fears we will never know who are. Those that loves us will never know who we are. We will continue to lie and deceive ourselves and those that love us until we get to a place that we don't have any idea of what the world around truly is. We will create a world of lies to hide the pain and lies to hide the lies and lies to had from those that love us. We keep telling ourselves that we are doing what is best for others and what is best for those that we love, but what we don't see is that what is best for us and what is best for the ones we love is to be completely honest with ourselves. No more lie, No more deceit, No more smoke and mirrors. How can I see my self in a mirror with all the smoke I have put up to hide myself. Does it do anyone any good, is anyone getting better from all the lies and deceit....No of course they are not.
If you fill the person you say you LOVE with lie and smoke, then they don't really love you, they only love the fake person that you have been putting in front of them. They are in love with a false image of who you think they want to see and a false image of who you are trying to be. Trying to be someone that you are not takes so much energy and waste so much time, that eventually all the lies and smoke will come crashing down. When it all comes crashing down and you are standing there naked to the world, you are all the sudden back to where you stated and you have to get back on the path and start all over again. All the time and effort you have put in to getting someone to like the false image has all been a waste to time. Just think about all the things you could have been doing and all the people you could have been attracting that will honestly love you and understand you inside. Why be so scared of these dark places, why no just walk into them and look the darkness in the eye and say FUCK YOU, this is my path and I am walking it. I am Strong, I am Honest, I am Willing, I am Loved...nothing will stand in my way.
This is where I am at right now, back on my path. I am blowing away the smoke, and taking down the walls of deceit. I have lied to those that I love the most, but most importantly I have lied to myself that they will only love me back if I put up this certain image. With out being myself and showing them who I really am and what is really going on in my life, I will always be alone and empty. I can't fill the emptiness with alcohol, or drugs or sex or porn or food, I can only fill it with honesty to myself and honesty to the ones I love. I can't be scare any more that someone might not like me or love me if they see the real me, because if they see me and don't like me, then I don't need them in my life. I only want to be honest...and all this starts with being honest with myself ever day. I have to look myself in the face and tell me that I do love me and as long as I love myself, everyone else will also. No lies, no exaggeration, no embellishments, just "it is what it is" from now on.
This is going to be very hard for me to do. This is the way I have lived my life for 40 years and by some luck or grace of god or some universal hand coming down, I have had someone that is strong enough to call me on all my bullshit and all my lies and smoke and can't be moved by my manipulation and lies step into my life. He sees through most everything I do and calls me on them. I am lucky to have this in my life right now and it is forcing me to look within myself and forcing me to stand up and look into the darkness. He can't do this for me, only I can do this, because bottom line I still have the choice to run, run from the darkness as I have always done and run from him, but I have chosen to stay and chosen to stand up and chosen to face what ever is out there and see what is on the other side. We always have choices to make, it just depends on what we do with those choices that will get us to where were are. I could continue to lie and hide from myself and from him if I really wanted to, but eventually he would get tired of my lies and leave and all the time and effort I put in to putting up smoke and mirrors will be wasted because I will find myself no better then when I first met him, stuck in the same circle of lies and deceit. I would have wasted a gift and tossed it aside like a fool. Continuing to lie to myself and continue to tell myself that I am happy doing what I am doing as the hole inside me continues to grow and grow never being able to be filled.
Although this is hard to do and still taking me time and taking a lot of effort on his part to pull a lot of things out of me. I am seeing what he has been trying to get me to see for the past year. It has taken me over a year to see everything he has been telling me and a year to take down all my walls and stop hiding from him. Its always easy to say the good things, but the not so good things, that you feel like are hidden in the dark corners have taken a lot of effort on his part. Once they are out, you will realize that what you thought was a such a dark and scary thing was not so scary after all. Shine a light on all the corners and sweep away all the cobwebs and get you house nice and tidy and clean.
My walls are down (for this person anyway) but I still have a ways to go. The best part is I actually feel lighter, I feel more at ease with myself because I don't have to remember lies to cover lies. The funny part is that I see that I was hiding from others because of all the lies and smoke that I was scared if I stayed with someone to long, I would forget what I had said and back track over my own lie, so I would hide. I can just be me now and that's all he has ever wanted from me and all I have ever wanted from myself. I still have to look into the darkness and see what is there, but only I can do that, he can't help me, I have to do this on my own.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Fear vs. Loss
I have been thinking a lot about where I am heading and how I am going to get there. I used to always be a loner and wasn't afraid to do things out on my own and actually I preferred it that way. I have come to realize that I really didn't enjoy it so much as did it to keep anyone from getting to close to me and find out that I was gay. Fear has run my life for so long, I don't really remember what else there is...until now.
Now is the time to stand up and scream. Now is the time to take control of my fear and force it out of my life. Fear has no place in my life. The funny thing is that the fear that I carry around with me has nothing to do with what your normal average person would have fears from or nothing that I have feared in the past. I don't fear for money, I don't fear for a job, I don't fear for a roof over my head, I don't fear for my health, I don't fear for what other people think of me, I don't fear that people will find out I am gay, and I don't even fear for death. My fear comes from a place deep inside that I should easily be able to rationalize away, but I know I want do this, and it does me no good to not do so.
When someone comes into your life and completely changes how you look at yourself and the world around you. They have the ability to bring a smile to your face with just a single word, and will listen to you no matter what the problem is or what time of day or night it is. Someone that you know is just there for you no matter what and can tell when you are down or having a problem with out you having to tell them, and then has enough care for you in their heart to dig into the problem to find out what it is. Now most of us have friends that care about us to a certain extent, but this is different. This is someone that makes me what to be a better person every day of my life. He is one of the most special people that I have ever had the privileged to meet and now he is moving away. As much as I know in my heart that this will not change our friendship at all, my head keeps telling me that it will. When I say I know it will effect it, I know the love he has for me will not diminish, but since we will be so far apart, things will change..that is the way of life and this my fear. Its not a fear of change, its not a fear of abandonment, its guess the more I write this the less it really seems like a fear at all. I guess maybe it is just a "feeling" of loss not a fear of anything. I am not scared that he is changing his life, I am just selfish in my own wants and needs that I don't want him to leave, and that is wrong.
The universe is all about change, the universe brought him into my life when I really needed him and now it is taking him away. The friendship that we have formed is one of the strongest friendships I have ever known. He has come into my life like a tornado and thrown everything around. He has shaken up my entire world and set me out on a new direction, a new path and new life, but I guess that was his purpose. I guess we all have a purpose in this vast universe and we all will touch certain peoples lives in very special and wonderful ways, and it is safe to say that he has touched mine in more incredible and wonderful ways that I can count. I hope that I have learned enough form all that we have experienced together and I will be able to take the joy and happiness that he has planted in my heart and be able to effect someone else's life as much as he has done mine.
The reason I started this blog was to be able to express my feelings and get my emotions out. To try to help me to understand all that is going on inside of my head and heart. In just these short few paragraphs, I have come to the understanding that I really don't have a fear of him leaving, only a feeling of loss for my friend moving on. He is moving on to something special and wonderful for himself, and I know I will be a part of it, he has taught me that much. I have nothing but happiness for him in the hope that everything works out the way he wants it to. I am truly in he corner no matter what decision he makes because that is what a true friend is and that is what a true friend would do. I will always love him with all my heart and soul, and somehow I know I have loved him for 100's of years and I will continue to love him well past this life time. All I can do now is to stand up and stand beside my friend and be what ever he needs me to be to help him take the next monumental step on his own path in life...and that is what I will do.
No Fear...
No Pain...
No Regrets...
Only Happiness and Joy and Love and maybe a few tears.
I love you Robin.
Now is the time to stand up and scream. Now is the time to take control of my fear and force it out of my life. Fear has no place in my life. The funny thing is that the fear that I carry around with me has nothing to do with what your normal average person would have fears from or nothing that I have feared in the past. I don't fear for money, I don't fear for a job, I don't fear for a roof over my head, I don't fear for my health, I don't fear for what other people think of me, I don't fear that people will find out I am gay, and I don't even fear for death. My fear comes from a place deep inside that I should easily be able to rationalize away, but I know I want do this, and it does me no good to not do so.
When someone comes into your life and completely changes how you look at yourself and the world around you. They have the ability to bring a smile to your face with just a single word, and will listen to you no matter what the problem is or what time of day or night it is. Someone that you know is just there for you no matter what and can tell when you are down or having a problem with out you having to tell them, and then has enough care for you in their heart to dig into the problem to find out what it is. Now most of us have friends that care about us to a certain extent, but this is different. This is someone that makes me what to be a better person every day of my life. He is one of the most special people that I have ever had the privileged to meet and now he is moving away. As much as I know in my heart that this will not change our friendship at all, my head keeps telling me that it will. When I say I know it will effect it, I know the love he has for me will not diminish, but since we will be so far apart, things will change..that is the way of life and this my fear. Its not a fear of change, its not a fear of abandonment, its guess the more I write this the less it really seems like a fear at all. I guess maybe it is just a "feeling" of loss not a fear of anything. I am not scared that he is changing his life, I am just selfish in my own wants and needs that I don't want him to leave, and that is wrong.
The universe is all about change, the universe brought him into my life when I really needed him and now it is taking him away. The friendship that we have formed is one of the strongest friendships I have ever known. He has come into my life like a tornado and thrown everything around. He has shaken up my entire world and set me out on a new direction, a new path and new life, but I guess that was his purpose. I guess we all have a purpose in this vast universe and we all will touch certain peoples lives in very special and wonderful ways, and it is safe to say that he has touched mine in more incredible and wonderful ways that I can count. I hope that I have learned enough form all that we have experienced together and I will be able to take the joy and happiness that he has planted in my heart and be able to effect someone else's life as much as he has done mine.
The reason I started this blog was to be able to express my feelings and get my emotions out. To try to help me to understand all that is going on inside of my head and heart. In just these short few paragraphs, I have come to the understanding that I really don't have a fear of him leaving, only a feeling of loss for my friend moving on. He is moving on to something special and wonderful for himself, and I know I will be a part of it, he has taught me that much. I have nothing but happiness for him in the hope that everything works out the way he wants it to. I am truly in he corner no matter what decision he makes because that is what a true friend is and that is what a true friend would do. I will always love him with all my heart and soul, and somehow I know I have loved him for 100's of years and I will continue to love him well past this life time. All I can do now is to stand up and stand beside my friend and be what ever he needs me to be to help him take the next monumental step on his own path in life...and that is what I will do.
No Fear...
No Pain...
No Regrets...
Only Happiness and Joy and Love and maybe a few tears.
I love you Robin.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Tarot Card Reading
.Aries:
Knight of Wands-An indication of the arrival of someone important coming into your life
The picture on this card is of a man on a horse swiftly charging through the day with fearless abandon. He has a mission and knows exactly where he is going. Sometimes this card can indicate the arrival of someone important coming into your life, or it can signal the hasty departure of someone from your life. If you are expecting someone to arrive, they will do so very quickly. If you sense that someone wants out, they will leave just as quickly. This can also signal some type of emergency, though not necessarily too serious of an event that has speeded up. Perhaps someone is admitted to hospital and you have to get there quickly. There is unlikely to be any serious problems stem from this event, just that the matter had to be dealt with as soon as possible, without any delays, such as an appendix attack, for example. If you are single, it can mean your next lover is just around the corner and you will find this person to be very warm and responsible. He or she may be born under an Earth sign, such as Taurus, Virgo or Capricorn.
Taurus:The Fool-journey of unique and unknown destination. Innocent of life and will have to learn by his own mistakes. He is a wanderer, with great enthusiasm for l ife and for love
This card show a young man walking towards a cliff edge with a long rod leaning over his shoulder. On the end of the rod appears to be a handkerchief holding all his worldly possessions. following beside him is a small white dog. He is oblivious to what pitfalls may lay before him. He is on a journey of discovery. He is curious and adventurous. He wants to know everything and is keen to look, learn and discover what ever life is going to teach him. He is innocent of life and will probably make many mistakes but will learn by his own mistakes. He is young and open minded with a desire to have many new experiences so that he can get a taste of life and decide what it is that he really wants He does not yet know what the world will bring, nor what his unique destiny is, but he will soon find out.
GeminiThree of Swords-Three people may be involved in a dispute or go their separate ways
This is a minor arcana card, however, when its energies manifest, it can seem like a major event at the time, due to its intensity and how it makes you fell. The card symbolically shows three swords, on dripping with blood, with represents pain and distress. Often a separation from someone occurs at this time or some kind of friction of dispute. It often feels quite tormenting and hurtful at the time and is difficult to get through while this feeling last. Three people may be involved in a dispute or go their separate ways, or become involved in a emotional tug of war.
CancerWheel of Fortune - This card can bring about an unusual turn of events that are quite fortunate for you
This card can bring an unusual turn of events that are quite fortunate for you, but that you are finally taking the lead in the direction of your own life and your ultimate destiny. This card suggests not so much that events happen to you, but rather that you instigate many major changes to bring about a new life with new challenges and renewed hope. You may decide to leave a job, leave a partner, or go oversees and the decisions you make with regards to these will be so swift hat you will alter some people's impressions that you were once a stable and slow mover. Now all things must change, and change swiftly. Opportunities can arise thick and fast and leave you gasping for air between this offer and that. don't allow anyone to push you into anything you are unsure of
Leo:Two of Cups - Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you, the birth of a child or a new found love.
The picture on this card shows a man and a woman looking at each other and each one has a cup in the left hand and they are making a toast. There are some heavy black clouds in the background and these may indicate a period of time, such as further in the distance, or in the past. Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you. The number two can represent time as in days, weeks or months and this may indicate when the encounter will take place. The woman may also become pregnant early on in the relationship, or if a married couple have been trying and this has been delayed or hindered in some way, now it may eventuate. Also there can be a celebration of some kind and this of course could indicate the celebration of the birth of a child. If you are single and looking for romance, then it may be on its way and you could find this person proves to be your soulmate.
Virgo:Queen of Wands - You may also be about to meet someone very special with whom you fall in love and marry
The picture on this card is of a woman wearing a crown and beautiful clothes and a robe, with a wand in one hand and a lovely golden sunflower in the other. There is an abundance of green leaves around the flower and the wand. She looks serene and calm. She is obviously a woman of considerable power and influence. She also appears warm and welcoming. She has lovely blonde hair and blue eyes. She displays an air of sophistication and strength. If you are this woman then you have truly found your destiny. If this is the woman you are about to become, then rest assured your future is secure and you will find all of your needs met. You may also be about to meet someone very special with whom you fall in love with and marry. This may develop during the warmer months of the year, as in Spring or Summer. If this is someone you know, then value her friendship, for she is loyal and trustworthy. If you are a male, you may meet this woman through a friend and become involved with her in a romantic relationship. If you are a young person, this person could be your mother or a teacher, or both.
Libra:The World - Travel is often associated with this card, new found freedom is just around the corner. You may also expect that your situation will improve quite dramatically in the near future and you are able to explore life with more energy and enthusiasm.
The World. This card shows a woman standing in the centre of the card and all she is wearing is a piece of cloth draped around her body leaving her breasts bare. She is apparently dancing and has a wand of some type in each hand. She has long brown hair and is carefree and open about herself and her motives. There is a wreath of leaves and ribbon surrounding her and behind this is the bull, lion, eagle and the head of a male figure. These represent the four fixed signs of the zodiac which are Taurus, Leo, Scorpio and Aquarius. These signs may very well be symbolic of someone in your life already who is having a huge influence on you, or it can represent someone coming into your life who is born under one of these signs of the zodiac. Travel is often associated with this card, as it can mean travelling the world and meeting many people on your journey. It is also a card of freedom which is indicated by the woman being almost naked. If you wish to be free of some limiting circumstance and then you draw this card, chances are you new found freedom is just around the corner. You may also expect that your situation will improve quite dramatically in the near future and you are able to explore life with more energy and enthusiasm. Circumstance can alter so quickly that you basically blink and then discover you have a new life opening up to you.
Scorpio:The High Priestess - Mystical studies may also appeal to you at this time, and you could take up the study of subjects such as astrology, tarot or other esoteric knowledge. Incredible gifts await for you. All you have to do is acknowledge that within lies all knowledge. This is a card of wisdom and intelligence.
This powerful major arcana has incredible gifts for you. All you have to do is acknowledge that within lies all knowledge. This is a card of wisdom and intelligence. It is also an indication of mystical effects and understanding.
This woman can achieve anything she wants. She is studious and persevering. She is enchanting, deep, mysterious and has a unique talent for understanding people and their motives. She is psychic and gifted in many areas of natural law. She knows when to make decisions, when to act and set plans in motion and how to be in complete control of her own destiny. She is a leader, not a follower. She has charm, grace and poise. She is gifted with extra-ordinary understanding, compassion and has humanitarian instincts. She has high ideals and aspires to achieve her planned goals. She is an excellent communicator and listener. She knows when to be quiet. She understands the correct timing on when to plant seeds that will ultimately prosper. She is particularly cool, calm and collected. She is logical and rational and fair. She has a strong sense of justice. The initials B and J may be, or prove to be important in your life. These can represent the initials of people, places and businesses. They are signposts to people and places which will become of profound significance to you.
You could be considering doing some type of studies when you draw this card. Other than that, a teacher, possibly female, may come into your life and have an enormous impact on you. She could teach you valuable lessons that you need to learn.
Should you be considering becoming a teacher yourself, this would be a good indicator that you are on the right track and will achieve success in your chosen field.
Mystical studies may also appeal to you at this time, and you could take up the study of subjects such as astrology, tarot or other esoteric knowledge.
Sagittarius:Eight of Swords - A difficult situation to deal with.
This can be a difficult situation to deal with. There may be restrictions in your life that you would like to be freed from. It is also a mentally stressful occasion that requires clarity of thinking and forethought to resolve. If you keep your wits about you and refuse to be depressed you will manage to sail through this time with flying colours and be amazed at your strength of will when you have come out of the other end of the fog and retrospectively look back on how well you handled yourself and the dilemma you had faced.
Endurance is the key to coping right now and your decisions may have far-reaching consequences. You will find you have matured throughout the process of dealing with your problems. You may have to let go of relationships and friendships and this will prove to be an unburdening for you and allow you the freedom to pursue your own goals.
Do not be dismayed by these goodbyes, for they are a necessary part of your new path to follow, unhindered by a lifestyle that had cramped your style and your latent talents.
Now you will start to blossom and to produce good works in whatever field you focus on right now. Allow flexibility in your thinking for fresh ideas and ways of doing things will open new doorways to your true destiny
Capricorn:Three of Pentacles - Receiving some documentation regarding an award, or important credentials that you have received or will soon earn.
This card shows a person (apparently male) who is chiselling on the wall near a doorway, which looks a little like a church entrance, due to the conic shape at the top. Above this are the three coins (or pentacles). It seems as though some special message, lettering, notice or plaque is being created for the world to see. On an individual level this could mean receiving some documentation regarding an award, or important credentials that you have received or will soon earn. You may also receive some kind of financial assistance, benefit or win that you were not expecting. If you are seeking employment, it may soon be yours, though will not consume all of your time as it may be only a few hours a day.
Aquarius:Five of Pentacles - You may be called upon to help someone in need and this may be financial help.
The picture on this card shows a woman who is wearing a scarf covering her head and shoulders. Besider her is a young man who has a bloodied bandage around his head. He uses two sticks to assist him walking. It is night time and the harsh elements of winter are hitting them hard. In the background they pass (unknowingly) a large stained glass window containing five pentacles. If you draw this card you may be called upon to help someone in need and this may be financial help. You would be wise to question the motives of this person, just in case they are leaning on you too heavily, whereas they should be standing on their own two feet
Pisces:The Chariot - Travel awaits you. Should the other travel card, the six of swords also be in your card layout, then this is an indicator that you are to move across new ground, or maybe even purchase a mode of travel such as a car.
Generally speaking this card depicts some kind of travel. Should the other travel card, the six of swords also be in your card layout, then this is an indicator that you are to move across new ground. However, even by itself, as this is a major arcana card, travel is still a strong possibility. You may travel quite a distance and your goal is to get there, by whatever means you can find, even horseback if necessary. This can also mean that someone is coming from a long distance towards you.
For some people this can represent getting a new mode of transport, such as buying your first car, or buying a new car or bike or whatever. The emphasis is on getting to your destination by the quickest route available.
This card too is about choices. You may have to make a major decision around this time that will alter circumstances quite dramatically. Do not resist change for that will disrupt the natural flow of events that are waiting to unfold for you.
Also I have seen this card manifest in matters to do with re-decorating the home. Sometimes it is just new curtains or cushions, however the aim is to bring comfort into the home.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Good times
I just had a great weekend with some very special friends and loved ones. One of them was a very special lady that I have failed to talk about in this blog but she deserves a place here since she has been in my life since 2nd grade.
Friendship and love and kindness can't begin to explain how much she means to me especially with all the shit we have been through together. She has always stood by my side in the good times and the bad, and she never ever asked for anything in return, she was just always there. You know the old saying that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, well she has always been the quite wheel. Never asking for the bright spot light, just happy being who she is, ALWAYS standing by my side, even when I acted like as asshole. It's sometimes easy to overlook these special friends in your life, but they are some of the most important people that you will ever know. That is what she is, more than a friend, she is part of me. I have spent so much time talking about the changes going on, I have neglected the one thing that has been a constant in my life for more years then I want to try to remember (she can attest to this). She is very laid back and easy to get along with and she just takes every day one day at a time. She doesn't turn her nose up at anyone (not that I have ever seen before) and she always listens to all my shit and gives good advice on top of everything else.
Well the weekend was a blast. I got to see some old friends and make a couple of new ones. I even got to hang out with my nephew at a private 20's speakeasy club hidden in down town Savannah. I also got to experience the longest parade in the history of the world...4 fucking hours!!! It was worth it though since I got to hang out with Missy all weekend long.
Thanks Missy for being there always being there for me and putting up with all my crap for so many years. And especially keeping all my little dirty secrets...lol
Love ya
Friendship and love and kindness can't begin to explain how much she means to me especially with all the shit we have been through together. She has always stood by my side in the good times and the bad, and she never ever asked for anything in return, she was just always there. You know the old saying that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, well she has always been the quite wheel. Never asking for the bright spot light, just happy being who she is, ALWAYS standing by my side, even when I acted like as asshole. It's sometimes easy to overlook these special friends in your life, but they are some of the most important people that you will ever know. That is what she is, more than a friend, she is part of me. I have spent so much time talking about the changes going on, I have neglected the one thing that has been a constant in my life for more years then I want to try to remember (she can attest to this). She is very laid back and easy to get along with and she just takes every day one day at a time. She doesn't turn her nose up at anyone (not that I have ever seen before) and she always listens to all my shit and gives good advice on top of everything else.
Well the weekend was a blast. I got to see some old friends and make a couple of new ones. I even got to hang out with my nephew at a private 20's speakeasy club hidden in down town Savannah. I also got to experience the longest parade in the history of the world...4 fucking hours!!! It was worth it though since I got to hang out with Missy all weekend long.
Thanks Missy for being there always being there for me and putting up with all my crap for so many years. And especially keeping all my little dirty secrets...lol
Love ya
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Hope, Strength and Love
There is so many things that go on in everyone's life from day to day and so many changes that will keep you up at night and continue to run through you mind. Thoughts that just start off as something innocent and end up as something that takes on a life of its own and you can't stop thinking about it. I hate when I allow myself to fall into the trap of depression and self loathing for something that I have no control over and I have no power to to change...or would change even if I had the power to do so. It is just something that eats away at me and I can't seem to get over it or allow my self to let it just move out of my life. Instead of moving past my bad feelings I always seem to add fuel to the fire, and I continue to add more and more and more fuel and I keep telling myself that it want matter because the fire want get any bigger. How stupid is this thinking??? There is no way that adding fuel to a fire is not going to make it burn out of control for way longer then would if I just started walking away and letting it burn it self out. Why would anyone want to do this to them self? Why would anyone put them self in a hole and look up at the opening and not allow themselves to crawl out?
Feelings are things that can bring you up to the highest highs or drag you down to the lowest of lows. They come out of no where and slap you in the face from a strange look or a miss understood comment. They can pull you along with hope that you know inside your heart and mind will never ever come to light. Feelings are also things that being us joy and love and happiness and a strange warm feeling all over your body that you can't explain. They can run so hot and cold that it is hard to figure it out some times.
As wise friend told me...
"just relax into the roll and when obstacles come, love and understand them, don't try harder to push them away, that will usually just keep them following after you!"
I am trying so hard to follow the advice of others but our minds run on their own. Some times you have to look deep inside yourself and find the strength to over come your feelings of loss or pain by facing them head on and looking them in the eye and just love them for what they are and allow them to move past you. This is some of the best advice that I have ever gotten, but sometimes it is so hard to follow. You just want to allow the bad feelings that invade your life to move past you, but it is so hard to do on certain occasions, but it is something that you have to allow to happen. The worst part is that there is no reason for these kind of feelings because there is so much love in our lives. I personally have so many people that love me and care about me and if I was true to myself and true to them I would never allow any feelings but happiness and joy come into my life. My love for my friends and the love that I get from them and the love that I have for myself are the things that keeps me going every day.
I am still working on loving myself and trust me when I say that I have gotten much better at this point...but I still have a ways to go. I still allow the way others look at me to effect the way I feel about myself on occasions. I know I am not supposed to allow this to happen, but its all about steps and if I had to say where I was at on this stair case...it guess it would be about 2/3rd the way up.
I guess the real reason for this post is to share some of the advise that I was given by a couple of very special people that I know have nothing but love and care and concern for me in their hearts. I have been working so hard to follow the advise that I was given and living up to the standards that I have been setting for myself. Trying to not allow depression or loneliness work its way into my life or into my heart. I need to keep telling myself that I AM LOVE, AND I AM RECEIVING LOVE FOR THOSE THAT MATTER TO ME. I hope whom ever reads this understands that we all have tough feelings to face sometimes, but with the love and advice of those around us that truly love and care for us, there is nothing we can't face and allow to pass.
I want to end this by saying Thank You the two people that mean so much to me. I can honestly say I have nothing but love and happiness for in my heart for them. They know who they are, and I am a very blessed person to have them in my life and I am very blessed to be a part of their life.
Thanks guys, I love you very much....
Color of energy...What does it mean to me??
These are the colors, now to figure out what they mean to me. I have always been a person that likes deep rich colors, but the strange thing is that white is my representational color. White is pure and clean and free of any thing dirty. I don't know if this is how I always wanted to see myself but white is always the way that represent myself when it comes to clothes or cars. When I think about myself in dreams or fantasy's, I always picture myself wearing all white or driving a white car, or living in a house that is all white. I am not sure if this represents a lack of commitment to any one thing or my fear to break out of my own personal shell and experiment with all the colors that are represented. I know I am drawn to very deep and rich colors on the outside, and in my minds eye, these are the things that draw my attention, but internally it is always WHITE.
I have been thinking a alot about what each of these colors mean to me and I have been taking notes on them so try to break this down into something that I can understand. A few them come to me easy and I know what they represent in my life, but the other few...it is taking me some time to figure it out. So I will start with what came the most easy to me....
Turquoise:
When ever I think of turquoise, the first and only thing that comes to my mind is my oldest brother that has passed away. He used to always wear turquoise rings, necklaces, and other jewelry. He thought it brought him power or some kind and he was always showing his stuff to me. He passed away many years ago from cancer and he was living with his second wife at the time and the relationship between her and my family was not very good to say the least. When he passed she pretty much shut everyone else out and there was no way for me to get any of his older jewelry, which was something that I wanted to remember him by. He was a lot older than I was (12 years) so I was never really close to him, but he was my oldest brother and growing up the way I did, I knew more about him for stories I was told them from actual experience. I remember the last time I saw him, I was living in California. My mom called me and told me that she didn't think he would make it through the weekend, so I got on the first plane out of Cali, back to Georgia (over $1,000 ticket) and make it home to see him that weekend. I spent all weekend at his home in Jacksonville, but by this time he didn't know who I was or where he was at. I left on Sunday and flew home and my mom called on Wednesday and told me he had passed.
Green:
Green is the color of my birth stone...EMERALDS. I was born on my mothers birthday so mine and my mom's birth stone is emeralds. My mother used to have a huge emerald ring with white diamonds on each side of it. I always remembered looking at it and trying it on and playing with it. When I think of green, the first thing that comes to my mind is my mom. It represents the love that she always gave me and the protection she always provides. She has always been my security blanket and the fact that I always know that she will be there for me no matter what, has always helped me
Royal Blue and Violet:
These are deep colors that represent power and life to me. The dark deep colors mean passion, and power, and strength when ever I think of them. Violet was the favorite color of my last partner. He loved this color and actually painted our bedroom this color once. He was open and loud and proud, and I guess that is what this color represents...in you face!! Royal blue is an offset of the Violet, where as Violet is in your face, Royal Blue still represents power but in more of a demure way. I think this is where we met in the middle. I would be more of a royal blue while he was more of a violet.
Orange:
I was not sure as to what orange represented to me on a personal level, so I went on a search for other meanings of the color, this what I found....Orange is one of the healing colors. It is said to increase the craving for food. It also stimulates enthusiasm and creativity. Orange means vitality with endurance. People who like orange are usually thoughtful and sincere. Lady luck's color is orange. I have been told that if a change of any kind is need in life, just burn an orange candle for 7 nights.
Yellow:
Yellow was also something that I couldn't place in my life for any specific reason, so I went back to the web site and this is what I found. The web site says that yellow symbolizes wisdom along with joy and happiness. People of high intellect favor yellow. Yellow daffodils are a symbols of unrequited love. Like the energy of a bright sunny day, yellow brings clarity and awareness. The shade of yellow determines its effect: Yellow-green can mean deceit, and creates a disoriented feeling. Orange-yellow imparts a sense of establishment. Clean light yellow clears the mind, making it active and alert.
Each of these colors mean something different things to me and some more then others. the first four are hte most important ones, but I am still trying to place the other two some place in my life. I know there has to be a place some where but so far I have not come up with any thing. I feel like I do have some of the characteristics of the last two colors, but that i all, but I am open for discussion.
This is the link to the website that breaks down the meaning of different colors...http://crystal-cure.com/color.html
I had an energy reading done on myself and I was told that he was focusing on six specific colors in my life and I should think about these colors and focus on them and think about what these colors mean to me in a positive light.
The colors that I was told to focus on were
Orange
Yellow
Green
Turquoise
Royal Blue
Violet
These are the colors, now to figure out what they mean to me. I have always been a person that likes deep rich colors, but the strange thing is that white is my representational color. White is pure and clean and free of any thing dirty. I don't know if this is how I always wanted to see myself but white is always the way that represent myself when it comes to clothes or cars. When I think about myself in dreams or fantasy's, I always picture myself wearing all white or driving a white car, or living in a house that is all white. I am not sure if this represents a lack of commitment to any one thing or my fear to break out of my own personal shell and experiment with all the colors that are represented. I know I am drawn to very deep and rich colors on the outside, and in my minds eye, these are the things that draw my attention, but internally it is always WHITE.
I have been thinking a alot about what each of these colors mean to me and I have been taking notes on them so try to break this down into something that I can understand. A few them come to me easy and I know what they represent in my life, but the other few...it is taking me some time to figure it out. So I will start with what came the most easy to me....
Turquoise:
When ever I think of turquoise, the first and only thing that comes to my mind is my oldest brother that has passed away. He used to always wear turquoise rings, necklaces, and other jewelry. He thought it brought him power or some kind and he was always showing his stuff to me. He passed away many years ago from cancer and he was living with his second wife at the time and the relationship between her and my family was not very good to say the least. When he passed she pretty much shut everyone else out and there was no way for me to get any of his older jewelry, which was something that I wanted to remember him by. He was a lot older than I was (12 years) so I was never really close to him, but he was my oldest brother and growing up the way I did, I knew more about him for stories I was told them from actual experience. I remember the last time I saw him, I was living in California. My mom called me and told me that she didn't think he would make it through the weekend, so I got on the first plane out of Cali, back to Georgia (over $1,000 ticket) and make it home to see him that weekend. I spent all weekend at his home in Jacksonville, but by this time he didn't know who I was or where he was at. I left on Sunday and flew home and my mom called on Wednesday and told me he had passed.
Green:
Green is the color of my birth stone...EMERALDS. I was born on my mothers birthday so mine and my mom's birth stone is emeralds. My mother used to have a huge emerald ring with white diamonds on each side of it. I always remembered looking at it and trying it on and playing with it. When I think of green, the first thing that comes to my mind is my mom. It represents the love that she always gave me and the protection she always provides. She has always been my security blanket and the fact that I always know that she will be there for me no matter what, has always helped me
Royal Blue and Violet:
These are deep colors that represent power and life to me. The dark deep colors mean passion, and power, and strength when ever I think of them. Violet was the favorite color of my last partner. He loved this color and actually painted our bedroom this color once. He was open and loud and proud, and I guess that is what this color represents...in you face!! Royal blue is an offset of the Violet, where as Violet is in your face, Royal Blue still represents power but in more of a demure way. I think this is where we met in the middle. I would be more of a royal blue while he was more of a violet.
Orange:
I was not sure as to what orange represented to me on a personal level, so I went on a search for other meanings of the color, this what I found....Orange is one of the healing colors. It is said to increase the craving for food. It also stimulates enthusiasm and creativity. Orange means vitality with endurance. People who like orange are usually thoughtful and sincere. Lady luck's color is orange. I have been told that if a change of any kind is need in life, just burn an orange candle for 7 nights.
Yellow:
Yellow was also something that I couldn't place in my life for any specific reason, so I went back to the web site and this is what I found. The web site says that yellow symbolizes wisdom along with joy and happiness. People of high intellect favor yellow. Yellow daffodils are a symbols of unrequited love. Like the energy of a bright sunny day, yellow brings clarity and awareness. The shade of yellow determines its effect: Yellow-green can mean deceit, and creates a disoriented feeling. Orange-yellow imparts a sense of establishment. Clean light yellow clears the mind, making it active and alert.
Each of these colors mean something different things to me and some more then others. the first four are hte most important ones, but I am still trying to place the other two some place in my life. I know there has to be a place some where but so far I have not come up with any thing. I feel like I do have some of the characteristics of the last two colors, but that i all, but I am open for discussion.
This is the link to the website that breaks down the meaning of different colors...http://crystal-cure.com/color.html
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