EMPITNESS

What do you do when you desire to be hide out weights your desire to love yourself.

What do you do when your feeling of weakness out weights your desire to be strong

What do you do when everything inside you is telling you one thing, but you heart is telling you something else.

What does it take to fill those holes inside you that you keep hoping someone will come along and fill for you.  You look out side yourself over and over again and always think this one thing is going to be the answer, and all it brings is more questions.

What do you do when you come to the realization that Love and Suicide are two sides of the same coin and all you have to do is toss it in the air and see which side it lands on.  Its all up to chance, its all up to fate.  You have no control of it and most times you have to say in it.

You tell yourself that can change and next time it will be different and next time you will not go down the same path, but after you have walked the path again, you look back and you are on the same path.  You have walked the same path again and again and continue to end up at the same location.  

A wise man once said "that a fool is someone that does the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come"...that is where I am standing right now.  Doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come.  The out come of someone else taking away all the pain and loneliness in my life.  The out come of someone else filling the hole of depression and emptiness in my life and thinking someone else will make all this better for me.  The out come that I have to have someone else to make me whole.

All these out comes are false and none of them will ever come to pass.  You can lean on others in times of need by but you have to be complete within yourself before you can ever get off this path.

These are all things that I am finally seeing for myself.  I am seeing that I am the only one that will fill me up.  No one can do this for me. No one can make me whole and no one can walk my path but me.  I have to be strong within myself and I have to believe in myself if I ever plan on getting down the path of truth with myself. Looking in to the dark places and looking into caves of despair and loneliness will be the only way to truly find out who I really am and what I can really do.  Many have seen this in themselves and addressed it and gone on to great and wonderful things, but many have seen the darkness and turn and run from it.  Unfortuntly I am one of the ones that have seen the darkness and run from it.  The darkness is scary and empty and a place you don't want to be, but if you ever plan on going any further, you have to face it.

Darkness is something that everyone has in their life.  How we handle this darkness and how we face this darkness is what makes us who we are today.  Doing the same thing over and over and walking the same path over and over will never truly get you to where you want to be and you will never truly understand who you can become.  Life is so full of choices and decisions that we have to make a 1000 time a day.  Every decision we make through out the day will determine where we end up at the end of the day.

Usually we lie to ourselves and those we love to bring about a false since of accomplishments and a false since of getting some place in out lives.  Until we can honestly face ourselves in all our hardest and darkest fears we will never know who are.  Those that loves us will never know who we are.  We will continue to lie and deceive ourselves and those that love us until we get to a place that we don't have any idea of what the world around truly is.  We will create a world of lies to hide the pain and lies to hide the lies and lies to had from those that love us.  We keep telling ourselves that we are doing what is best for others and what is best for those that we love, but what we don't see is that what is best for us and what is best for the ones we love is to be completely honest with ourselves.  No more lie, No more deceit, No more smoke and mirrors.  How can I see my self in a mirror with all the smoke I have put up to hide myself.  Does it do anyone any good, is anyone getting better from all the lies and deceit....No of course they are not.

If you fill the person you say you LOVE with lie and smoke, then they don't really love you, they only love the fake person that you have been putting in front of them.  They are in love with a false image of who you think they want to see and a false image of who you are trying to be.  Trying to be someone that you are not takes so much energy and waste so much time, that eventually all the lies and smoke will come crashing down.  When it all comes crashing down and you are standing there naked to the world, you are all the sudden back to where you stated and you have to get back on the path and start all over again.  All the time and effort you have put in to getting someone to like the false image has all been a waste to time.  Just think about all the things you could have been doing and all the people you could have been attracting that will honestly love you and understand you inside.  Why be so scared of these dark places, why no just walk into them and look the darkness in the eye and say FUCK YOU, this is my path and I am walking it.  I am Strong, I am Honest, I am Willing, I am Loved...nothing will stand in my way.

This is where I am at right now, back on my path.  I am blowing away the smoke, and taking down the walls of deceit.  I have lied to those that I love the most, but most importantly I have lied to myself that they will only love me back if I put up this certain image.  With out being myself and showing them who I really am and what is really going on in my life, I will always be alone and empty.  I can't fill the emptiness with alcohol, or drugs or sex or porn or food, I can only fill it with honesty to myself and honesty to the ones I love.  I can't be scare any more that someone might not like me or love me if they see the real me, because if they see me and don't like me, then I don't need them in my life.  I only want to be honest...and all this starts with being honest with myself ever day.  I have to look myself in the face and tell me that I do love me and as long as I love myself, everyone else will also.  No lies, no exaggeration, no embellishments, just "it is what it is" from now on.

This is going to be very hard for me to do.  This is the way I have lived my life for 40 years and by some luck or grace of god or some universal hand coming down, I have had someone that is strong enough to call me on all my bullshit and all my lies and smoke and can't be moved by my manipulation and lies step into my life. He sees through most everything I do and calls me on them.  I am lucky to have this in my life right now and it is forcing me to look within myself and forcing me to stand up and look into the darkness.  He can't do this for me, only I can do this, because bottom line I still have the choice to run, run from the darkness as I have always done and run from him, but I have chosen to stay and chosen to stand up and chosen to face what ever is out there and see what is on the other side.  We always have choices to make, it just depends on what we do with those choices that will get us to where were are.  I could continue to lie and hide from myself and from him if I really wanted to, but eventually he would get tired of my lies and leave and all the time and effort I put in to putting up smoke and mirrors will be wasted because I will find myself no better then when I first met him, stuck in the same circle of lies and deceit. I would have wasted a gift and tossed it aside like a fool.   Continuing to lie to myself and continue to tell myself that I am happy doing what I am doing as the hole inside me continues to grow and grow never being able to be filled.

Although this is hard to do and still taking me time and taking a lot of effort on his part to pull a lot of things out of me.  I am seeing what he has been trying to get me to see for the past year. It has taken me over a year to see everything he has been telling me and  a year to take down all my walls  and stop hiding from him.  Its always easy to say the good things, but the not so good things, that you feel like are  hidden in the dark corners have taken a lot of effort on his part.  Once they are out, you will realize that what you thought was a such a dark and scary thing was not so scary after all.  Shine a light on all the corners and sweep away all the cobwebs and get you house nice and tidy and clean.

My walls are down (for this person anyway) but I still have a ways to go.  The best part is I actually feel lighter, I feel more at ease with myself because I don't have to remember lies to cover lies. The funny part is that I see that I was hiding from others because of all the lies and smoke that I was scared if I stayed with someone to long, I would forget what I had said and back track over my own lie, so I would hide. I can just be me now and that's all he has ever wanted from me and all I have ever wanted from myself.  I still have to look into the darkness and see what is there, but only I can do that, he can't help me, I have to do this on my own.