Isn't there a saying that the definitions of crazy is to do the same thing over and over again, thinking you will finally get a different result. Repeating the same patterns each day and getting up each day looking at the same thing and hoping beyond hope that one day you will finally get what you want, but always knowing in the back of your head that it will never change. Knowing that no matter what you do, it doesn't matter to the one that you are doing it for, that in many ways you don't matter and never will.
Trying to be the best person that you know how to be and trying to hide what is really killing you deep inside and keep moving forward and keep the pain pushed so deep down you knowing that nothing that you are doing it ever going to make a difference is the way I spend most of my days. You have to realize that you have to do for you and you can't do for others not matter how much you love or how much they mean to me. You can't allow the feelings of others effect how you see you every day. Even thought I don't allow others to effect how I feel about myself, because I know who I am and I know what I want, it only effects how I feel in general. I react to the responses that I get when I put something out there and usually it is not the response I want. I will try to make some kind of since of it or rationalize it to work out for me so I can deal with it or pretend that I didn't know what happened. Look the other way and turn the other cheek over and over and over and over again just so I don't face what is sitting right in front of you face. This is the shit that I go through each and every day of my life right now.
I want the pain to go away, and I want to move on so bad and I want to just get pissed off and tell him to fuck off, but I can't do it, I NEED him to much. It doesn't matter to me about anything else, I live to serve him in my own mind, he is all that matters to me. I live to take care of him no matter how much he needs or how much pain I feel inside from rejection. When he takes control of me and calls me "Bitch" and "Cum Whore" or anything like this and tells me what I am going to do for him (nothing ever sexual), I am totally lost and can't do anything but agree. When he does go to this place, in a twisted way, I feel like I belong to him. I feel like he really wants me and I want him to want me more then I want to breath. I want him to use me and take control of me and let me take care of him in every way. It feels me with so much pleasure to see him happy, but only as long as I am part of what is going on.
What he doesn't realize this, this is what makes me happy. I know he doesn't understand why and he doesn't want me to feel this way (not just about him but with anyone), but it is really what I want. I really want him to be in control. It really want this to happen. I honestly want this to happen. I want him to control me and take me for his own. I really don't care is he loves women and if he goes off with them on certain weekends, I just want to be dominated by him and him alone. No one else can make me feel this way, only him. I only want to be dominated by him.
No matter how much energy that I put into this I know it will never ever work out the way I want it to because I can't control how he is going to react and what he has going on inside him. This is not a movie and there is no happy ending, no matter how much I want it to be. Some times you have to ask yourself a few questions...Are they ready to face what you are putting in their face? Are they ready to face what is going on inside of themselves? Are they ready to see what you see in them? Usually the answer is to all these questions is no. If you are in this spot in your life, the only thing you can do is walk away or shut up and deal with the pain. I choose the pain because I can't live with out him! When he does decided to leave me, it will be a very dark day in my life.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
LOVE THE TIME CAN NOT TOUCH
I am one of the luckiest people that I know. I know I have my problems and I know I have many issues, but I have so much love in my life that I really had no idea of, it lifts my world. I know I am loved by my family and my friends but the love that I am getting from one person it almost overwhelming. It is not you ordinary love or hugs and kisses (though that is there) it so much deeper then anything I have ever been around. To have someone believe in you so much and to trust you so much and to be able to see so much more inside of you that you never see in yourself and stand strong with you til you do see it, is amazing. This is the kind of love I am talking about, strong, unbending, un-relenting, teaching, and generous. He continues to amaze me with his words but most of all with his actions. He builds me up and builds me up and builds me up while he wants nothing for himself, he wants none of the spot light, he wants only to see me rise above all my pain and problems and succeed in life, but not just in life, but in all eternity. To be able to see beyond who I am and what I perceive as what I am, to be able to see into the universe and beyond time and space and come to an understanding of how deep our love for each other is and how much I have to offer. This is the love I am talking about, Love that Time can not Touch!!
I started writing this a couple of days ago and I am now just getting to finish it. When I wrote this it was just after a very long conversation with my best friend and what he was telling me about how he truly felt about me. I have always known this but to hear it from him in the way he was telling me and the emotions he was putting into it, made it that much more special to me. I still have a lot to learn about myself and I am making huge strides to overcome my pain and heartache, but I still have a ways to go. I know I will get there with the love and help of my friends and myself. The main thing I have to over come is the shelf hatred that I carry around and the fear that I can't do something on my own. That I need someone standing by me to make me successful and someone standing by me to be loved. I need to understand that love has to come from with in myself and I have to be the one that is loving me and not wait or want for someone else to do it for me. I see how much he loves me and more then that I feel how much he loves me, I need to get to that spot with in myself so I can move past him. I tell myself over and over that I love him so much and if he wasn't here, I wouldn't know what to do. I have to come to the understanding that these kind of feelings about myself and about him, are a very bad thing. I can't depend on him to give me the love that I need and I have to find it withing myself to love. I have to look deeper with in myself and see the person that he sees and know that I can do this on my own. The sooner I can do this, the stronger our love for each other will grow.
This is might be a silly concept to someone that doesn't understand what I am trying to say (and trying to learn for myself), but by letting him go and stop looking for love from him, I will be strong with in myself thus causing us to be strong together. So stepping away from someone you love, will cause your love to grow stronger. I just have to continue to live this moto and see where it takes me...wish me good luck...!!
I started writing this a couple of days ago and I am now just getting to finish it. When I wrote this it was just after a very long conversation with my best friend and what he was telling me about how he truly felt about me. I have always known this but to hear it from him in the way he was telling me and the emotions he was putting into it, made it that much more special to me. I still have a lot to learn about myself and I am making huge strides to overcome my pain and heartache, but I still have a ways to go. I know I will get there with the love and help of my friends and myself. The main thing I have to over come is the shelf hatred that I carry around and the fear that I can't do something on my own. That I need someone standing by me to make me successful and someone standing by me to be loved. I need to understand that love has to come from with in myself and I have to be the one that is loving me and not wait or want for someone else to do it for me. I see how much he loves me and more then that I feel how much he loves me, I need to get to that spot with in myself so I can move past him. I tell myself over and over that I love him so much and if he wasn't here, I wouldn't know what to do. I have to come to the understanding that these kind of feelings about myself and about him, are a very bad thing. I can't depend on him to give me the love that I need and I have to find it withing myself to love. I have to look deeper with in myself and see the person that he sees and know that I can do this on my own. The sooner I can do this, the stronger our love for each other will grow.
This is might be a silly concept to someone that doesn't understand what I am trying to say (and trying to learn for myself), but by letting him go and stop looking for love from him, I will be strong with in myself thus causing us to be strong together. So stepping away from someone you love, will cause your love to grow stronger. I just have to continue to live this moto and see where it takes me...wish me good luck...!!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Finally, I am seeing what I need to see!!!
Yesterday was not a bad day, it was not a great day, but it was not bad. I got to spend the day with the person I love most in my life and I got to learn a new lesson for myself.
Over the past couple of weeks I have reveled more of my inner feelings and thoughts to the one person that fills my every thought of every second of every day and I have started to learn how to deal with the pain and accept the true reality of what is facing me. I have started to come to a place that is accepting of and understanding of what our relationship really is. I am seeing our relationship in both our eyes now instead of just my own and this has been very hard. Seeing the other persons point of view and learning to accept this, is something that I didn't want to do, but by doing it is only strengthening or relationship because it is putting it on an more even playing field. It is helping to make us both equals in the relationship and helping to stop me from being so crazy every day. Even though I might have deep inter thoughts of us being a couple one day, I am seeing that this never and will never be the case. I can hope and pray and wish all I want, but this is not something that is ever going to happen.
I tell my self that I love him and respect him, but none of this is true if I don't listen to him. If I don't hear him telling me what his true feelings are and understand what his true passions are, then I am not respecting him or loving him, I am trying to control him. When you have in your life someone that you think you love more then anyone you have ever met, someone that you think of the first thing when you wake up and the last thing as you fall asleep and a 1000 times in between through out the day, what do you do? How do you handle this and how do you make it stop? Do you really want to make it stop? Is it a good thing or a bad thing that you are so attached to this person that they dominate your ever waking thought? That you put all your friends and all things that you normally do on hold, because spending time with him is more important to you then anything or anyone else. It doesn't matter if are just watching tv or watching him play video games, the shear fact that you are with him is all that matters, and you know that even if you did go off with someone else, you would end up texting him a dozen times or more through out the night until you go home again. You will text him and share ever single thing that happens and you can't wait to tell him everything that is going on with you through out the night. You tell yourself that he really wants to hear everything that is happening, because that is how you feel when he is out, but is this true? Does he really want a blow by blow detail of your night or are you just easing your own pain of loss because part of you is telling you that you should be home with him instead of out doing what you are doing, while part of you is telling you that being out is a good thing? It doesn't bother you if he goes off and sees his friends or if he stays the night at friends, but you feel loss or a since of guilt if you go off and do things with others and leave him home alone. Where does this guilt and thought pattern come from? How do you stop it? What good does this pattern serve either of you and even though you see it, why can't stop it?
Well the answer to all these questions is NO!! It is not good to allow someone to dominate every waking thought of your day. It is not good to feel guilty for not spending every free second of your day with him. It is not good if I don't have the will power to spend time apart. It is not good for me and it is not good for him and it is good for your relationship. If I am ever going to truly love someone and honestly respect them, I have to be open with them; and more importantly I have to love myself and be honest with myself. I can make up excuses all day on why I do what I do. Trying to save money, trying to learn more about him, trying to learn more about myself, are all true to a large extent, but honestly I am scared. I still don't believe in myself and I still don't feel I am worthy of all the love he shares with me and I am scared of leaving him. This is not love, this is attachment!! Don't miss understand, I really enjoy spending my days with him, I enjoy just chillin' at the house and doing nothing, I enjoy watching him play video games and having him share his thoughts on what is going on. I honestly do enjoy ever second we are together. But the fact that when something else comes up and I push it off just so I can do these things is not healthy. It is not healthy for me or for your friendship. As I am sitting here right now and typing all this out, I am thinking of how he is going to react to this when he reads it. I am thinking about what is the best way to say what is honestly on my mind with out saying something that will upset him. I tell myself that his happiness is the only thing that matters to me and when he does finally meet someone that fills his heart on a passionate level like I wish I could, then I will handle the pain and I will be OK with this. I know this is not true. I know that on the surface I will show happiness for him but deeper down inside me, I will be filled with jealousy and hatred for whom ever has taken what was never mine to start with. If I am gong to love him the way I say I do, I have to let all this go. This is not love, it is control and fear and not healthy. I have to be honest with all this and just say it and let it all be understood to myself. I have to see this for what it is...ATTACHMENT NOT LOVE!
As I was reading back through all this, I noticed a running theme. I was using "YOU" in stead of "I" in most of the posting. I was writing it as I was telling someone else what to do and not to do. Essentially I was hiding behind my own advise. I am writing all this to make me face my own emotions and fears of what I think is lacking in my life, but I am missing the point. I am still not facing up to what is going on inside me. This is all about me and what I am dealing with and when I use "you" in 90% of the post, I am not facing anything, I am putting up more smoke and mirrors like I have always done. Trying to tell others how to live their lives but not doing it myself, basically I am being a hypocrite. I went back and changed everything so it reflects back onto myself and puts it all back on my plate. Now moving on....
I am good person and I honestly truly do love this man with all my heart, but I have to let him go. I have to respect his feelings as well as respect my own. He loves me more then anyone ever has and he shows this love to me every single day, but the fact is...he is straight and that is not going to change. He has a love for me that is beyond special but on his end he is CONNECTED to me, and my end, I am ATTACHED to him. I have to get to this place in our friendship. I have to let him go and stop being attached but keep this connection we have formed and this bond that is growing between us. I have to stop reading into things that are not there and stop thinking he can fill my emptiness inside me. Only I can fill this pain and emptiness and the funny thing is that as soon as I let him go, I think that most of this emptiness will be filled. Right now it is staying empty because I am not accepting what he is giving me and I am not accepting myself for all the love that I have to share with him or anyone else. If I could step back and detach and love myself half as much what I tell myself that I love him, my world would change in so many great ways.
This is the lesson that I learned last night, while I already knew all of this and have had it repeated to me over and over, I was still hiding. Some things that were said and one specific thing that happened yesterday, has finally brought this into the light for me. I have everything I need from him or could honestly ever what from someone that loves you, (trust, honestly, caring, concern, giving, sharing, openness, strength, weakness, vulnerability, compassion, vision, insight and a true feeling of him wanting me to be a better person), there is nothing else. These are aspects that can last an eternity and survive even if we are thousands of miles apart. I will get to this place, I will continue to detach myself from him and I will have his love in my life for as long as I live. This is a great start and moving forward now is going to have some hard times, but I will make it through, the cost of not succeeding is way to great and prize that waiting on the other side is my own self awareness and enlightenment.
So now it is time to start a new day and make new strides in my own personal life.
Over the past couple of weeks I have reveled more of my inner feelings and thoughts to the one person that fills my every thought of every second of every day and I have started to learn how to deal with the pain and accept the true reality of what is facing me. I have started to come to a place that is accepting of and understanding of what our relationship really is. I am seeing our relationship in both our eyes now instead of just my own and this has been very hard. Seeing the other persons point of view and learning to accept this, is something that I didn't want to do, but by doing it is only strengthening or relationship because it is putting it on an more even playing field. It is helping to make us both equals in the relationship and helping to stop me from being so crazy every day. Even though I might have deep inter thoughts of us being a couple one day, I am seeing that this never and will never be the case. I can hope and pray and wish all I want, but this is not something that is ever going to happen.
I tell my self that I love him and respect him, but none of this is true if I don't listen to him. If I don't hear him telling me what his true feelings are and understand what his true passions are, then I am not respecting him or loving him, I am trying to control him. When you have in your life someone that you think you love more then anyone you have ever met, someone that you think of the first thing when you wake up and the last thing as you fall asleep and a 1000 times in between through out the day, what do you do? How do you handle this and how do you make it stop? Do you really want to make it stop? Is it a good thing or a bad thing that you are so attached to this person that they dominate your ever waking thought? That you put all your friends and all things that you normally do on hold, because spending time with him is more important to you then anything or anyone else. It doesn't matter if are just watching tv or watching him play video games, the shear fact that you are with him is all that matters, and you know that even if you did go off with someone else, you would end up texting him a dozen times or more through out the night until you go home again. You will text him and share ever single thing that happens and you can't wait to tell him everything that is going on with you through out the night. You tell yourself that he really wants to hear everything that is happening, because that is how you feel when he is out, but is this true? Does he really want a blow by blow detail of your night or are you just easing your own pain of loss because part of you is telling you that you should be home with him instead of out doing what you are doing, while part of you is telling you that being out is a good thing? It doesn't bother you if he goes off and sees his friends or if he stays the night at friends, but you feel loss or a since of guilt if you go off and do things with others and leave him home alone. Where does this guilt and thought pattern come from? How do you stop it? What good does this pattern serve either of you and even though you see it, why can't stop it?
Well the answer to all these questions is NO!! It is not good to allow someone to dominate every waking thought of your day. It is not good to feel guilty for not spending every free second of your day with him. It is not good if I don't have the will power to spend time apart. It is not good for me and it is not good for him and it is good for your relationship. If I am ever going to truly love someone and honestly respect them, I have to be open with them; and more importantly I have to love myself and be honest with myself. I can make up excuses all day on why I do what I do. Trying to save money, trying to learn more about him, trying to learn more about myself, are all true to a large extent, but honestly I am scared. I still don't believe in myself and I still don't feel I am worthy of all the love he shares with me and I am scared of leaving him. This is not love, this is attachment!! Don't miss understand, I really enjoy spending my days with him, I enjoy just chillin' at the house and doing nothing, I enjoy watching him play video games and having him share his thoughts on what is going on. I honestly do enjoy ever second we are together. But the fact that when something else comes up and I push it off just so I can do these things is not healthy. It is not healthy for me or for your friendship. As I am sitting here right now and typing all this out, I am thinking of how he is going to react to this when he reads it. I am thinking about what is the best way to say what is honestly on my mind with out saying something that will upset him. I tell myself that his happiness is the only thing that matters to me and when he does finally meet someone that fills his heart on a passionate level like I wish I could, then I will handle the pain and I will be OK with this. I know this is not true. I know that on the surface I will show happiness for him but deeper down inside me, I will be filled with jealousy and hatred for whom ever has taken what was never mine to start with. If I am gong to love him the way I say I do, I have to let all this go. This is not love, it is control and fear and not healthy. I have to be honest with all this and just say it and let it all be understood to myself. I have to see this for what it is...ATTACHMENT NOT LOVE!
As I was reading back through all this, I noticed a running theme. I was using "YOU" in stead of "I" in most of the posting. I was writing it as I was telling someone else what to do and not to do. Essentially I was hiding behind my own advise. I am writing all this to make me face my own emotions and fears of what I think is lacking in my life, but I am missing the point. I am still not facing up to what is going on inside me. This is all about me and what I am dealing with and when I use "you" in 90% of the post, I am not facing anything, I am putting up more smoke and mirrors like I have always done. Trying to tell others how to live their lives but not doing it myself, basically I am being a hypocrite. I went back and changed everything so it reflects back onto myself and puts it all back on my plate. Now moving on....
I am good person and I honestly truly do love this man with all my heart, but I have to let him go. I have to respect his feelings as well as respect my own. He loves me more then anyone ever has and he shows this love to me every single day, but the fact is...he is straight and that is not going to change. He has a love for me that is beyond special but on his end he is CONNECTED to me, and my end, I am ATTACHED to him. I have to get to this place in our friendship. I have to let him go and stop being attached but keep this connection we have formed and this bond that is growing between us. I have to stop reading into things that are not there and stop thinking he can fill my emptiness inside me. Only I can fill this pain and emptiness and the funny thing is that as soon as I let him go, I think that most of this emptiness will be filled. Right now it is staying empty because I am not accepting what he is giving me and I am not accepting myself for all the love that I have to share with him or anyone else. If I could step back and detach and love myself half as much what I tell myself that I love him, my world would change in so many great ways.
This is the lesson that I learned last night, while I already knew all of this and have had it repeated to me over and over, I was still hiding. Some things that were said and one specific thing that happened yesterday, has finally brought this into the light for me. I have everything I need from him or could honestly ever what from someone that loves you, (trust, honestly, caring, concern, giving, sharing, openness, strength, weakness, vulnerability, compassion, vision, insight and a true feeling of him wanting me to be a better person), there is nothing else. These are aspects that can last an eternity and survive even if we are thousands of miles apart. I will get to this place, I will continue to detach myself from him and I will have his love in my life for as long as I live. This is a great start and moving forward now is going to have some hard times, but I will make it through, the cost of not succeeding is way to great and prize that waiting on the other side is my own self awareness and enlightenment.
So now it is time to start a new day and make new strides in my own personal life.
Monday, September 17, 2012
QUESTIONS
If you could ask any thing about your self to someone else, what would it be?
What can you ask someone else that you don't already know if you take some time and look deep inside you to see the answer. How can someone else tell you things about your self that you don't already know. Only you know you and only can answer your own questions. I know doctors can tell you things you might not know, but that is different. I am in a spot now that I have the opportunity to ask someone anything about myself that I want to know and get an answer from the BEYOND. The thing is now that I have this chance, I don't know what to ask, so I decided to ramble on here for a bit and see if it clears my mind and allows me to see to what I am seeking.
I have some random thoughts on what I want to know, but I can't come up with anything specific. I need to ask this person something that is specific to me and relevant to my current situation. I need to think about something I really want to know deep inside me and have been afraid to look at. I need to see if he can tell me something about myself that I am afraid to deal with and give me sound advise on what to do next and how to deal with this darkness.
We all have dark places in our souls that we don't look at and places that we don't want anyone else to know about. These are deep kept secrets that we don't share with anyone and usually don't share with ourselves. We lock things behind doors and hope they don't come up and hope no one else will try to open those doors but we know that if we were to open these doors and let these secrets out then we would feel better about ourselves and about the world around us. Secrets are poison that we carry around with us and the more we have and longer we keep it inside us the more toxic it can become. Secrets and lies will end all hopes for great and peaceful future
What can you ask someone else that you don't already know if you take some time and look deep inside you to see the answer. How can someone else tell you things about your self that you don't already know. Only you know you and only can answer your own questions. I know doctors can tell you things you might not know, but that is different. I am in a spot now that I have the opportunity to ask someone anything about myself that I want to know and get an answer from the BEYOND. The thing is now that I have this chance, I don't know what to ask, so I decided to ramble on here for a bit and see if it clears my mind and allows me to see to what I am seeking.
I have some random thoughts on what I want to know, but I can't come up with anything specific. I need to ask this person something that is specific to me and relevant to my current situation. I need to think about something I really want to know deep inside me and have been afraid to look at. I need to see if he can tell me something about myself that I am afraid to deal with and give me sound advise on what to do next and how to deal with this darkness.
We all have dark places in our souls that we don't look at and places that we don't want anyone else to know about. These are deep kept secrets that we don't share with anyone and usually don't share with ourselves. We lock things behind doors and hope they don't come up and hope no one else will try to open those doors but we know that if we were to open these doors and let these secrets out then we would feel better about ourselves and about the world around us. Secrets are poison that we carry around with us and the more we have and longer we keep it inside us the more toxic it can become. Secrets and lies will end all hopes for great and peaceful future
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
TWO PIECES OF THE PUZZLE
Whats up blogger world....
Its another day in my ever changing life, usually pretty good and some times pretty sad. I always try to keep my head up and look to the bright side of things and let the bad things pass me by. This is something my dad always tried to tell me when I was little, it does you no good to focus on the bad things in life, they are always going to be there so you might as well do everything you can to block them out. Some times it is easier then you think and some times it is almost impossible. I guess I have always had a pretty good life, most kids would have died to have the family and parents I had, it is just to bad that I didn't see that at the time. I always wanted someone else's life, always wanted to be some place else and be living someone else's life. I always felt like that growing up in small town and being GAY, I was missing out on everything. While this is partly true, the things I missed out on ended up being my own fault. I was the one that chose to hide and run scared in my life. I was the one that chose not to stand up for myself and tell everyone who and what I really was and I was the one that chose to miss out on so many great things growing up.
I can't sit here and say that my life was bad, but it was far from it. It was very materialistic and I was spoiled as a child. I usually got most anything I ever wanted, when ever I wanted, but I was loved very much by my family. I had three big brothers that protected me and I had two parents that lived together for over 50 years til my dad passed away. My mom is still alive and I do everything I can to make her proud of me and show her that she did a good job raising me. I love my brothers and my parents, I just wish I could love my self as much.
I have this crazy instinct that draws me to certain people. People that I wish I could have been like, people that fascinate me and really push my limits. If you don't push me and you don't challenge me, then even if I do become friends with you I will usually fade away. I am always looking for that special person that I think is going to fill my soul with all these wonderful things and make the sun shine brighter and the birds sound sweeter, but it never seems to happen. When I do find someone that I think might be that person, something is just a little off that never allows it to come to pass. I am learning now that it is not the people that I am finding that is failing me, it is me that is failing me. I have learned (the hard way) that it is only me that will fill me up with sun shine and make the birds sound sweeter. I have to be the one that is over flowing with before I can actually find someone else. I have to be whole, I have to be complete with myself and love my self before I can ever expect some one else to love me. If you look at this this way, why would you want to spend you time with and energy on someone that doesn't love them self and is only going to drain your energy to try to fill themselves up. If they still have holes in their hearts and souls, then all the energy that they are draining from you will never fill them up, it will only seep out of the open woulds and open holes in their lives. You will end up just as empty as they are be the time you come to your senses and move on with your life. So I have to fill my own holes and patch my own wounds and then allow myself to fill all the way up with all the love I can give myself, then go and see what happens.
Life is funny and amazing, there are so many people in life that you come across every day and you never know who you are going to run into. You never know who you are going to connect with, weather it be a boy or girl or young or old, there is just something that will draw you to certain people. You don't know what it is, you can try to analysis it and try to figure it out, but what good will that do, it is going to do what ever it is going to do (IT, referring to your soul or spirit). You can't control it and if you could, would you want to. The universe sends you things when you need them, it provides for us when were are at different crossroads in our lives. When we need support and love, it will send someone that will understand us and if things work out the way they are supposed to that person that shows up in your life is also looking for something or missing something and you will have what that person is missing. Now if you tried to control what and who you were to come in contact with each day, then you would only be getting half the story. You would only be getting what you need and you would not have the piece of the puzzle that they need and this is a very important thing. You both have to have the each others missing pieces for the the puzzle to be complete. That is the funny thing about the universe, it sees what you can't see, you just have to except what it sends to you when it sends it to you. The tricky part is figuring out how both your pieces fit together.
There are many times that two separate pieces of puzzle were brought together by the universe and instead of them trying to figure out how they fit together by listening with their heart and not with their ego, they would wonder off with out ever fitting them together. You just lost a chance to learn something new about yourself and learn something new about someone else. You lost a chance to connect with someone on a level that few know about and few will ever be patience enough to wait and see what happens. Some times when you feel like you are giving more then the other side is giving, you have to stop and think, don't react. You step back and see if what you are seeing is true or just your ego talking to you, you will usually find (well me personally) that this is not the case. I am giving what I need to be giving at this moment, and the other person is excepting my gifts, but when I step back and look at it without the ego being in control, I see myself receiving so much in return. I am receiving exactly what I need at that moment, and with time and love, I receive more then I ever gave. I get more back in return then I felt like I ever gave out. What we give and what we receive are immaterial, there is no definition to what we need at any given time. It could be money, material things, support, love, stability, or just someone to allow you to cry and listen and never judge. The list is endless, but this is how the funny shaped pieces of the puzzle fit together. You look at them and turn them over and flip them around but with time and patience and love and understanding, you figure out how they fit together and all of the sudden all those empty holes in you soul and heart start to get filled by these little pieces of the the puzzle.
Sammy
Its another day in my ever changing life, usually pretty good and some times pretty sad. I always try to keep my head up and look to the bright side of things and let the bad things pass me by. This is something my dad always tried to tell me when I was little, it does you no good to focus on the bad things in life, they are always going to be there so you might as well do everything you can to block them out. Some times it is easier then you think and some times it is almost impossible. I guess I have always had a pretty good life, most kids would have died to have the family and parents I had, it is just to bad that I didn't see that at the time. I always wanted someone else's life, always wanted to be some place else and be living someone else's life. I always felt like that growing up in small town and being GAY, I was missing out on everything. While this is partly true, the things I missed out on ended up being my own fault. I was the one that chose to hide and run scared in my life. I was the one that chose not to stand up for myself and tell everyone who and what I really was and I was the one that chose to miss out on so many great things growing up.
I can't sit here and say that my life was bad, but it was far from it. It was very materialistic and I was spoiled as a child. I usually got most anything I ever wanted, when ever I wanted, but I was loved very much by my family. I had three big brothers that protected me and I had two parents that lived together for over 50 years til my dad passed away. My mom is still alive and I do everything I can to make her proud of me and show her that she did a good job raising me. I love my brothers and my parents, I just wish I could love my self as much.
I have this crazy instinct that draws me to certain people. People that I wish I could have been like, people that fascinate me and really push my limits. If you don't push me and you don't challenge me, then even if I do become friends with you I will usually fade away. I am always looking for that special person that I think is going to fill my soul with all these wonderful things and make the sun shine brighter and the birds sound sweeter, but it never seems to happen. When I do find someone that I think might be that person, something is just a little off that never allows it to come to pass. I am learning now that it is not the people that I am finding that is failing me, it is me that is failing me. I have learned (the hard way) that it is only me that will fill me up with sun shine and make the birds sound sweeter. I have to be the one that is over flowing with before I can actually find someone else. I have to be whole, I have to be complete with myself and love my self before I can ever expect some one else to love me. If you look at this this way, why would you want to spend you time with and energy on someone that doesn't love them self and is only going to drain your energy to try to fill themselves up. If they still have holes in their hearts and souls, then all the energy that they are draining from you will never fill them up, it will only seep out of the open woulds and open holes in their lives. You will end up just as empty as they are be the time you come to your senses and move on with your life. So I have to fill my own holes and patch my own wounds and then allow myself to fill all the way up with all the love I can give myself, then go and see what happens.
Life is funny and amazing, there are so many people in life that you come across every day and you never know who you are going to run into. You never know who you are going to connect with, weather it be a boy or girl or young or old, there is just something that will draw you to certain people. You don't know what it is, you can try to analysis it and try to figure it out, but what good will that do, it is going to do what ever it is going to do (IT, referring to your soul or spirit). You can't control it and if you could, would you want to. The universe sends you things when you need them, it provides for us when were are at different crossroads in our lives. When we need support and love, it will send someone that will understand us and if things work out the way they are supposed to that person that shows up in your life is also looking for something or missing something and you will have what that person is missing. Now if you tried to control what and who you were to come in contact with each day, then you would only be getting half the story. You would only be getting what you need and you would not have the piece of the puzzle that they need and this is a very important thing. You both have to have the each others missing pieces for the the puzzle to be complete. That is the funny thing about the universe, it sees what you can't see, you just have to except what it sends to you when it sends it to you. The tricky part is figuring out how both your pieces fit together.
There are many times that two separate pieces of puzzle were brought together by the universe and instead of them trying to figure out how they fit together by listening with their heart and not with their ego, they would wonder off with out ever fitting them together. You just lost a chance to learn something new about yourself and learn something new about someone else. You lost a chance to connect with someone on a level that few know about and few will ever be patience enough to wait and see what happens. Some times when you feel like you are giving more then the other side is giving, you have to stop and think, don't react. You step back and see if what you are seeing is true or just your ego talking to you, you will usually find (well me personally) that this is not the case. I am giving what I need to be giving at this moment, and the other person is excepting my gifts, but when I step back and look at it without the ego being in control, I see myself receiving so much in return. I am receiving exactly what I need at that moment, and with time and love, I receive more then I ever gave. I get more back in return then I felt like I ever gave out. What we give and what we receive are immaterial, there is no definition to what we need at any given time. It could be money, material things, support, love, stability, or just someone to allow you to cry and listen and never judge. The list is endless, but this is how the funny shaped pieces of the puzzle fit together. You look at them and turn them over and flip them around but with time and patience and love and understanding, you figure out how they fit together and all of the sudden all those empty holes in you soul and heart start to get filled by these little pieces of the the puzzle.
Sammy
Monday, September 10, 2012
EMPITNESS
What do you do when you desire to be hide out weights your desire to love yourself.
What do you do when your feeling of weakness out weights your desire to be strong
What do you do when everything inside you is telling you one thing, but you heart is telling you something else.
What does it take to fill those holes inside you that you keep hoping someone will come along and fill for you. You look out side yourself over and over again and always think this one thing is going to be the answer, and all it brings is more questions.
What do you do when you come to the realization that Love and Suicide are two sides of the same coin and all you have to do is toss it in the air and see which side it lands on. Its all up to chance, its all up to fate. You have no control of it and most times you have to say in it.
You tell yourself that can change and next time it will be different and next time you will not go down the same path, but after you have walked the path again, you look back and you are on the same path. You have walked the same path again and again and continue to end up at the same location.
A wise man once said "that a fool is someone that does the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come"...that is where I am standing right now. Doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come. The out come of someone else taking away all the pain and loneliness in my life. The out come of someone else filling the hole of depression and emptiness in my life and thinking someone else will make all this better for me. The out come that I have to have someone else to make me whole.
All these out comes are false and none of them will ever come to pass. You can lean on others in times of need by but you have to be complete within yourself before you can ever get off this path.
These are all things that I am finally seeing for myself. I am seeing that I am the only one that will fill me up. No one can do this for me. No one can make me whole and no one can walk my path but me. I have to be strong within myself and I have to believe in myself if I ever plan on getting down the path of truth with myself. Looking in to the dark places and looking into caves of despair and loneliness will be the only way to truly find out who I really am and what I can really do. Many have seen this in themselves and addressed it and gone on to great and wonderful things, but many have seen the darkness and turn and run from it. Unfortuntly I am one of the ones that have seen the darkness and run from it. The darkness is scary and empty and a place you don't want to be, but if you ever plan on going any further, you have to face it.
Darkness is something that everyone has in their life. How we handle this darkness and how we face this darkness is what makes us who we are today. Doing the same thing over and over and walking the same path over and over will never truly get you to where you want to be and you will never truly understand who you can become. Life is so full of choices and decisions that we have to make a 1000 time a day. Every decision we make through out the day will determine where we end up at the end of the day.
Usually we lie to ourselves and those we love to bring about a false since of accomplishments and a false since of getting some place in out lives. Until we can honestly face ourselves in all our hardest and darkest fears we will never know who are. Those that loves us will never know who we are. We will continue to lie and deceive ourselves and those that love us until we get to a place that we don't have any idea of what the world around truly is. We will create a world of lies to hide the pain and lies to hide the lies and lies to had from those that love us. We keep telling ourselves that we are doing what is best for others and what is best for those that we love, but what we don't see is that what is best for us and what is best for the ones we love is to be completely honest with ourselves. No more lie, No more deceit, No more smoke and mirrors. How can I see my self in a mirror with all the smoke I have put up to hide myself. Does it do anyone any good, is anyone getting better from all the lies and deceit....No of course they are not.
If you fill the person you say you LOVE with lie and smoke, then they don't really love you, they only love the fake person that you have been putting in front of them. They are in love with a false image of who you think they want to see and a false image of who you are trying to be. Trying to be someone that you are not takes so much energy and waste so much time, that eventually all the lies and smoke will come crashing down. When it all comes crashing down and you are standing there naked to the world, you are all the sudden back to where you stated and you have to get back on the path and start all over again. All the time and effort you have put in to getting someone to like the false image has all been a waste to time. Just think about all the things you could have been doing and all the people you could have been attracting that will honestly love you and understand you inside. Why be so scared of these dark places, why no just walk into them and look the darkness in the eye and say FUCK YOU, this is my path and I am walking it. I am Strong, I am Honest, I am Willing, I am Loved...nothing will stand in my way.
This is where I am at right now, back on my path. I am blowing away the smoke, and taking down the walls of deceit. I have lied to those that I love the most, but most importantly I have lied to myself that they will only love me back if I put up this certain image. With out being myself and showing them who I really am and what is really going on in my life, I will always be alone and empty. I can't fill the emptiness with alcohol, or drugs or sex or porn or food, I can only fill it with honesty to myself and honesty to the ones I love. I can't be scare any more that someone might not like me or love me if they see the real me, because if they see me and don't like me, then I don't need them in my life. I only want to be honest...and all this starts with being honest with myself ever day. I have to look myself in the face and tell me that I do love me and as long as I love myself, everyone else will also. No lies, no exaggeration, no embellishments, just "it is what it is" from now on.
This is going to be very hard for me to do. This is the way I have lived my life for 40 years and by some luck or grace of god or some universal hand coming down, I have had someone that is strong enough to call me on all my bullshit and all my lies and smoke and can't be moved by my manipulation and lies step into my life. He sees through most everything I do and calls me on them. I am lucky to have this in my life right now and it is forcing me to look within myself and forcing me to stand up and look into the darkness. He can't do this for me, only I can do this, because bottom line I still have the choice to run, run from the darkness as I have always done and run from him, but I have chosen to stay and chosen to stand up and chosen to face what ever is out there and see what is on the other side. We always have choices to make, it just depends on what we do with those choices that will get us to where were are. I could continue to lie and hide from myself and from him if I really wanted to, but eventually he would get tired of my lies and leave and all the time and effort I put in to putting up smoke and mirrors will be wasted because I will find myself no better then when I first met him, stuck in the same circle of lies and deceit. I would have wasted a gift and tossed it aside like a fool. Continuing to lie to myself and continue to tell myself that I am happy doing what I am doing as the hole inside me continues to grow and grow never being able to be filled.
Although this is hard to do and still taking me time and taking a lot of effort on his part to pull a lot of things out of me. I am seeing what he has been trying to get me to see for the past year. It has taken me over a year to see everything he has been telling me and a year to take down all my walls and stop hiding from him. Its always easy to say the good things, but the not so good things, that you feel like are hidden in the dark corners have taken a lot of effort on his part. Once they are out, you will realize that what you thought was a such a dark and scary thing was not so scary after all. Shine a light on all the corners and sweep away all the cobwebs and get you house nice and tidy and clean.
My walls are down (for this person anyway) but I still have a ways to go. The best part is I actually feel lighter, I feel more at ease with myself because I don't have to remember lies to cover lies. The funny part is that I see that I was hiding from others because of all the lies and smoke that I was scared if I stayed with someone to long, I would forget what I had said and back track over my own lie, so I would hide. I can just be me now and that's all he has ever wanted from me and all I have ever wanted from myself. I still have to look into the darkness and see what is there, but only I can do that, he can't help me, I have to do this on my own.
What do you do when your feeling of weakness out weights your desire to be strong
What do you do when everything inside you is telling you one thing, but you heart is telling you something else.
What does it take to fill those holes inside you that you keep hoping someone will come along and fill for you. You look out side yourself over and over again and always think this one thing is going to be the answer, and all it brings is more questions.
What do you do when you come to the realization that Love and Suicide are two sides of the same coin and all you have to do is toss it in the air and see which side it lands on. Its all up to chance, its all up to fate. You have no control of it and most times you have to say in it.
You tell yourself that can change and next time it will be different and next time you will not go down the same path, but after you have walked the path again, you look back and you are on the same path. You have walked the same path again and again and continue to end up at the same location.
A wise man once said "that a fool is someone that does the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come"...that is where I am standing right now. Doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different out come. The out come of someone else taking away all the pain and loneliness in my life. The out come of someone else filling the hole of depression and emptiness in my life and thinking someone else will make all this better for me. The out come that I have to have someone else to make me whole.
All these out comes are false and none of them will ever come to pass. You can lean on others in times of need by but you have to be complete within yourself before you can ever get off this path.
These are all things that I am finally seeing for myself. I am seeing that I am the only one that will fill me up. No one can do this for me. No one can make me whole and no one can walk my path but me. I have to be strong within myself and I have to believe in myself if I ever plan on getting down the path of truth with myself. Looking in to the dark places and looking into caves of despair and loneliness will be the only way to truly find out who I really am and what I can really do. Many have seen this in themselves and addressed it and gone on to great and wonderful things, but many have seen the darkness and turn and run from it. Unfortuntly I am one of the ones that have seen the darkness and run from it. The darkness is scary and empty and a place you don't want to be, but if you ever plan on going any further, you have to face it.
Darkness is something that everyone has in their life. How we handle this darkness and how we face this darkness is what makes us who we are today. Doing the same thing over and over and walking the same path over and over will never truly get you to where you want to be and you will never truly understand who you can become. Life is so full of choices and decisions that we have to make a 1000 time a day. Every decision we make through out the day will determine where we end up at the end of the day.
Usually we lie to ourselves and those we love to bring about a false since of accomplishments and a false since of getting some place in out lives. Until we can honestly face ourselves in all our hardest and darkest fears we will never know who are. Those that loves us will never know who we are. We will continue to lie and deceive ourselves and those that love us until we get to a place that we don't have any idea of what the world around truly is. We will create a world of lies to hide the pain and lies to hide the lies and lies to had from those that love us. We keep telling ourselves that we are doing what is best for others and what is best for those that we love, but what we don't see is that what is best for us and what is best for the ones we love is to be completely honest with ourselves. No more lie, No more deceit, No more smoke and mirrors. How can I see my self in a mirror with all the smoke I have put up to hide myself. Does it do anyone any good, is anyone getting better from all the lies and deceit....No of course they are not.
If you fill the person you say you LOVE with lie and smoke, then they don't really love you, they only love the fake person that you have been putting in front of them. They are in love with a false image of who you think they want to see and a false image of who you are trying to be. Trying to be someone that you are not takes so much energy and waste so much time, that eventually all the lies and smoke will come crashing down. When it all comes crashing down and you are standing there naked to the world, you are all the sudden back to where you stated and you have to get back on the path and start all over again. All the time and effort you have put in to getting someone to like the false image has all been a waste to time. Just think about all the things you could have been doing and all the people you could have been attracting that will honestly love you and understand you inside. Why be so scared of these dark places, why no just walk into them and look the darkness in the eye and say FUCK YOU, this is my path and I am walking it. I am Strong, I am Honest, I am Willing, I am Loved...nothing will stand in my way.
This is where I am at right now, back on my path. I am blowing away the smoke, and taking down the walls of deceit. I have lied to those that I love the most, but most importantly I have lied to myself that they will only love me back if I put up this certain image. With out being myself and showing them who I really am and what is really going on in my life, I will always be alone and empty. I can't fill the emptiness with alcohol, or drugs or sex or porn or food, I can only fill it with honesty to myself and honesty to the ones I love. I can't be scare any more that someone might not like me or love me if they see the real me, because if they see me and don't like me, then I don't need them in my life. I only want to be honest...and all this starts with being honest with myself ever day. I have to look myself in the face and tell me that I do love me and as long as I love myself, everyone else will also. No lies, no exaggeration, no embellishments, just "it is what it is" from now on.
This is going to be very hard for me to do. This is the way I have lived my life for 40 years and by some luck or grace of god or some universal hand coming down, I have had someone that is strong enough to call me on all my bullshit and all my lies and smoke and can't be moved by my manipulation and lies step into my life. He sees through most everything I do and calls me on them. I am lucky to have this in my life right now and it is forcing me to look within myself and forcing me to stand up and look into the darkness. He can't do this for me, only I can do this, because bottom line I still have the choice to run, run from the darkness as I have always done and run from him, but I have chosen to stay and chosen to stand up and chosen to face what ever is out there and see what is on the other side. We always have choices to make, it just depends on what we do with those choices that will get us to where were are. I could continue to lie and hide from myself and from him if I really wanted to, but eventually he would get tired of my lies and leave and all the time and effort I put in to putting up smoke and mirrors will be wasted because I will find myself no better then when I first met him, stuck in the same circle of lies and deceit. I would have wasted a gift and tossed it aside like a fool. Continuing to lie to myself and continue to tell myself that I am happy doing what I am doing as the hole inside me continues to grow and grow never being able to be filled.
Although this is hard to do and still taking me time and taking a lot of effort on his part to pull a lot of things out of me. I am seeing what he has been trying to get me to see for the past year. It has taken me over a year to see everything he has been telling me and a year to take down all my walls and stop hiding from him. Its always easy to say the good things, but the not so good things, that you feel like are hidden in the dark corners have taken a lot of effort on his part. Once they are out, you will realize that what you thought was a such a dark and scary thing was not so scary after all. Shine a light on all the corners and sweep away all the cobwebs and get you house nice and tidy and clean.
My walls are down (for this person anyway) but I still have a ways to go. The best part is I actually feel lighter, I feel more at ease with myself because I don't have to remember lies to cover lies. The funny part is that I see that I was hiding from others because of all the lies and smoke that I was scared if I stayed with someone to long, I would forget what I had said and back track over my own lie, so I would hide. I can just be me now and that's all he has ever wanted from me and all I have ever wanted from myself. I still have to look into the darkness and see what is there, but only I can do that, he can't help me, I have to do this on my own.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Fear vs. Loss
I have been thinking a lot about where I am heading and how I am going to get there. I used to always be a loner and wasn't afraid to do things out on my own and actually I preferred it that way. I have come to realize that I really didn't enjoy it so much as did it to keep anyone from getting to close to me and find out that I was gay. Fear has run my life for so long, I don't really remember what else there is...until now.
Now is the time to stand up and scream. Now is the time to take control of my fear and force it out of my life. Fear has no place in my life. The funny thing is that the fear that I carry around with me has nothing to do with what your normal average person would have fears from or nothing that I have feared in the past. I don't fear for money, I don't fear for a job, I don't fear for a roof over my head, I don't fear for my health, I don't fear for what other people think of me, I don't fear that people will find out I am gay, and I don't even fear for death. My fear comes from a place deep inside that I should easily be able to rationalize away, but I know I want do this, and it does me no good to not do so.
When someone comes into your life and completely changes how you look at yourself and the world around you. They have the ability to bring a smile to your face with just a single word, and will listen to you no matter what the problem is or what time of day or night it is. Someone that you know is just there for you no matter what and can tell when you are down or having a problem with out you having to tell them, and then has enough care for you in their heart to dig into the problem to find out what it is. Now most of us have friends that care about us to a certain extent, but this is different. This is someone that makes me what to be a better person every day of my life. He is one of the most special people that I have ever had the privileged to meet and now he is moving away. As much as I know in my heart that this will not change our friendship at all, my head keeps telling me that it will. When I say I know it will effect it, I know the love he has for me will not diminish, but since we will be so far apart, things will change..that is the way of life and this my fear. Its not a fear of change, its not a fear of abandonment, its guess the more I write this the less it really seems like a fear at all. I guess maybe it is just a "feeling" of loss not a fear of anything. I am not scared that he is changing his life, I am just selfish in my own wants and needs that I don't want him to leave, and that is wrong.
The universe is all about change, the universe brought him into my life when I really needed him and now it is taking him away. The friendship that we have formed is one of the strongest friendships I have ever known. He has come into my life like a tornado and thrown everything around. He has shaken up my entire world and set me out on a new direction, a new path and new life, but I guess that was his purpose. I guess we all have a purpose in this vast universe and we all will touch certain peoples lives in very special and wonderful ways, and it is safe to say that he has touched mine in more incredible and wonderful ways that I can count. I hope that I have learned enough form all that we have experienced together and I will be able to take the joy and happiness that he has planted in my heart and be able to effect someone else's life as much as he has done mine.
The reason I started this blog was to be able to express my feelings and get my emotions out. To try to help me to understand all that is going on inside of my head and heart. In just these short few paragraphs, I have come to the understanding that I really don't have a fear of him leaving, only a feeling of loss for my friend moving on. He is moving on to something special and wonderful for himself, and I know I will be a part of it, he has taught me that much. I have nothing but happiness for him in the hope that everything works out the way he wants it to. I am truly in he corner no matter what decision he makes because that is what a true friend is and that is what a true friend would do. I will always love him with all my heart and soul, and somehow I know I have loved him for 100's of years and I will continue to love him well past this life time. All I can do now is to stand up and stand beside my friend and be what ever he needs me to be to help him take the next monumental step on his own path in life...and that is what I will do.
No Fear...
No Pain...
No Regrets...
Only Happiness and Joy and Love and maybe a few tears.
I love you Robin.
Now is the time to stand up and scream. Now is the time to take control of my fear and force it out of my life. Fear has no place in my life. The funny thing is that the fear that I carry around with me has nothing to do with what your normal average person would have fears from or nothing that I have feared in the past. I don't fear for money, I don't fear for a job, I don't fear for a roof over my head, I don't fear for my health, I don't fear for what other people think of me, I don't fear that people will find out I am gay, and I don't even fear for death. My fear comes from a place deep inside that I should easily be able to rationalize away, but I know I want do this, and it does me no good to not do so.
When someone comes into your life and completely changes how you look at yourself and the world around you. They have the ability to bring a smile to your face with just a single word, and will listen to you no matter what the problem is or what time of day or night it is. Someone that you know is just there for you no matter what and can tell when you are down or having a problem with out you having to tell them, and then has enough care for you in their heart to dig into the problem to find out what it is. Now most of us have friends that care about us to a certain extent, but this is different. This is someone that makes me what to be a better person every day of my life. He is one of the most special people that I have ever had the privileged to meet and now he is moving away. As much as I know in my heart that this will not change our friendship at all, my head keeps telling me that it will. When I say I know it will effect it, I know the love he has for me will not diminish, but since we will be so far apart, things will change..that is the way of life and this my fear. Its not a fear of change, its not a fear of abandonment, its guess the more I write this the less it really seems like a fear at all. I guess maybe it is just a "feeling" of loss not a fear of anything. I am not scared that he is changing his life, I am just selfish in my own wants and needs that I don't want him to leave, and that is wrong.
The universe is all about change, the universe brought him into my life when I really needed him and now it is taking him away. The friendship that we have formed is one of the strongest friendships I have ever known. He has come into my life like a tornado and thrown everything around. He has shaken up my entire world and set me out on a new direction, a new path and new life, but I guess that was his purpose. I guess we all have a purpose in this vast universe and we all will touch certain peoples lives in very special and wonderful ways, and it is safe to say that he has touched mine in more incredible and wonderful ways that I can count. I hope that I have learned enough form all that we have experienced together and I will be able to take the joy and happiness that he has planted in my heart and be able to effect someone else's life as much as he has done mine.
The reason I started this blog was to be able to express my feelings and get my emotions out. To try to help me to understand all that is going on inside of my head and heart. In just these short few paragraphs, I have come to the understanding that I really don't have a fear of him leaving, only a feeling of loss for my friend moving on. He is moving on to something special and wonderful for himself, and I know I will be a part of it, he has taught me that much. I have nothing but happiness for him in the hope that everything works out the way he wants it to. I am truly in he corner no matter what decision he makes because that is what a true friend is and that is what a true friend would do. I will always love him with all my heart and soul, and somehow I know I have loved him for 100's of years and I will continue to love him well past this life time. All I can do now is to stand up and stand beside my friend and be what ever he needs me to be to help him take the next monumental step on his own path in life...and that is what I will do.
No Fear...
No Pain...
No Regrets...
Only Happiness and Joy and Love and maybe a few tears.
I love you Robin.
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