Changes

WOW...there has been so much going on lately that I have not had time to get anything done.  I have been so busy at work and so busy with  myself that this blog has suffered and I have not been able to add anything new to it in over a month.  I have decided to start adding my dreams to this so I will have a record of all the changes that are have been going on in my mind and soul.

I have discovered so much about my self over the past few months with the help and direction of my friend Jack and a few of his friends.  The love and compassion that Jack has shown me is more then I have ever experienced in my life.  It is something that is honest and true.  He challenges me in why that no friend has ever done.  He allow me to say what in my heart and head and allow me to get my feelings out and then helps me to understand them so I can move forward.  I have had good friends in the past but I have never really shared my feelings or emotions with them, I have just never felt very comfortable doing this with anyone.  Jack is different, he makes it easy to talk to him and telling him what is going on in my head, the fact is that he usually knows there is something wrong with me before I am willing to admit it.  He looks at me and asks me what is wrong, and even if I tell him I am "all good", he can see so far into my soul, he knows something is bothering me. Usually a while later what ever it is that he saw will surface and I will end up pouring my guts out to him.  He is always there to comfort me and listen, but more importantly he will not allow me to wallow in self pity.  He forces me to face what the real problem is and move past it. I know that sometimes he doesn't understand my feelings toward him, and to be honest sometimes I don't either, but I do know that they come from a place of true love and total respect for what he has done for me and what he given me over the past 8-9 months.  I have never had a friend like this, but it is something very special and something that I cherish so much right now.  He helps me to understand my feelings toward myself and to whats is going on around me and helps me to face my fears like no one else ever has.

I know in my heart that no matter what happens, he will always be there for me in any way that I need him.  The only thing that bothers me is, how do I repay so much love and understanding?  How do I give back to someone that gives so much of themselves to me?  I have told him that I will be there for him anytime he needs me or ask anything of me, but the thing is that he very rarely ask anything of me. I have told him over and over that my friendship for him has no limits on time or distance.  That when I commit to someone as a friend, I will always be there for that person 24/7 - 365 days a year.  It doesn't matter to me if we are 100's of miles apart and one day he calls me out of the blue, I am there. I really don't think he truly understands what I am saying when I tell him this, but it is exactly what I say it is, there is no mountain that I want climb for my friends and the ones that show me love.   I have helped him a little over the past couple of weeks with troubles with his car, but it is so small to what he has given me.  I guess that is the true definition of a friend...you take from each other what you need and you give to each other when it is needed.  Since we all have different needs in our lives on a day to day basis, the people that we truly call our friends will be the ones that will always stand by us.  They will be the ones that will get in our faces, but never turn their backs on us.  The ones that we can laugh and cry with and they will listen.  The ones that challenge us on a day to day basis and truly loves you for who you are and see who you can truly become.

This is not really where I was heading with this post, it just seemed to be what was weighing on my mind right now.  Jack sometimes reads this blog and if he happens to read this post, I hope he knows how much I love him and how much his love for me means to me. I also know if he does read this he will tell me to stop put him up on a pedestal, and really I am not.  I am just expressing the changes that are going on in my life and right now he happens to be a major influence in them. I know one day soon he will be moving on, and I think I am OK with that. One important things that I learned from him (after an emotional break down) was the difference between attachment and connection.  The ways to be connected to someone with true and pure love and kindness as apposed to be attached to someone that are more linked to fear and worry of loss.

Live in Love and not in Fear!!

I am learning each day new and exciting things about myself and ways to make my life greater.