I have been on such an emotional roller coaster ride over the past few months that I am getting sick of it. My emotions are not only on my sleeve, but they are all the way down my arm, and it drives me insane some times. One little thing or one little word will set me off on a completely different directions without even thinking about it. I can be in such a good place and one word (no matter how it is meant) will stick in my head and lock onto every thought that comes my way, its like poison. I don't know if there is anyone else out there that is this way...but I know I am. I have been trying so hard to move past these type of emotions and I have been working so hard to make myself stronger for those that I care about and love so I don't fall into this same old trap, but I did it again. It's like a nightmare merry-go-round that I can't seem to get off. How can I ever be strong for others if I can't be strong for myself. I have come so far in learning to love myself and who I am, but I will let one little thing turn things around. I guess I am not as far as I thought I was.
Well you might be asking what set me off? Well I was in such a good place for the past few weeks and last night something was said in passing and BOOM...here we are. Someone that I really care about is having issues with his friends regarding all the time that me and him (he is straight) spend together. He just mentioned this in passing last night. He said he didn't care what they think, and I know inside that he really doesn't, but it really got to me. I know how he feels about me and about our friendship and I know how I feel, but it is eating away at me. I really care for this person and I really don't want to cause him any trouble with his friends, I want to be strong for him the way he has always been strong for me. He has been so much stronger for me over these past few months than I have ever been for him. He is such a rock when it comes to knowing who he is, or what he is doing, but when some one you care about says they are having a problem with something, you just want to help in some way. He told me not to worry about it, "HE" would get through this.
I don't know...I just don't want him to have any problems, I guess it's me, but I want to protect those that I care about. I guess it's just me putting others before myself, which is something I have always done. I don't really care what his friends think about me, I just don't want them giving him shit (even if it is in fun) about our friendship. I offered to lay low for a while, but I don't think that is the right thing to do either, hiding is what I have been doing most of my life. I know he doesn't want me to lay low, and I know he really doesn't care what others think of him, but I do. Its fucked up!!
I have to be strong for him and that is all that matters. I have to be the friend that he deserves. I have to be the friend that he has been for me. I have to stand strong and tall and not fear anything or anyone. I have to be proud of our friendship and the love I have for him. "WE" have to get through this together and move forward.
What are real friends for anyway? Why do we have friends? Who do you look at and say "you are my friend"? To me it is a very very personal thing. If I am going to call someone a friend you really have to be special to me. I have tons of people I know, but very few people that I call friends and communicate with. Pretty much when I get to the point that I consider you a friend of mine, I am on call for you 24/7 no matter what. There is pretty much no mountain that I want climb for you or no ends of the earth that I want travel to help you if you are ever in need. We can be out of touch for 20 years and one call and I am at your side as fast as I can get there. I will be the shoulder for you to cry on, I will be the ear for you chew on or the person sitting in the corner if you just don't want to be alone, I will be your dinner mate, I will be your drinking mate and anything in-between. This person is truly my friend and I cherish our friendship and I will do anything I can to help him, no matter what he feels he needs to do.
You have to be strong for your friends when they need you and sometimes you have to be weak and relay on your friends to hold you up. Its a balancing act, you have to trust each other and not be afraid of opening up your heart and sharing your emotions and showing the raw nasty dirty side of you that you try to keep locked down. He has seen my raw nasty dirty side, more times then I would have liked, but he has always been there for me know matter what fucked up state my emotions were in, I just hope I can be as strong for him when he is ready.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
First Time
Yesterday I went to my very first HOT YOGA...
I don't know if anyone has ever done this before but it is a very intense experience. Basicly the room is set to 105 degrees and you do yoga for 90 minutes. My friend Jack does hot yoga, personally I have never heard of it, so I decided to look into and see what it was all about. I checked a few web sites around town and decided on one place that I thought would be best for me. I can't really explain why I felt right about this one but I just did.
Well I got there about 30 minutes before the class was scheduled to start and I meet with both Yoga instructors and we talked a bit and I let them know that this was the first time that I have ever done anything close to this. I explained why I was doing this and listen to them tell me all the benefits of completing these class. I went ahead and signed up 10 classes to make sure that I would follow through with this. I have three months to actually use all 10 classes so I am thinking once a week to start with and maybe add more often later down the road. I even bought my own personal yoga mat.
Since I was so early for class I went ahead and went into the class room to relax and wait for everyone else. This was a mistake..... It is good to get there early and relax your mind before you get started, but you don't want to sit in the room that is 105 degrees for 30 minutes before the class starts and then spend another 90 minutes working out. Well maybe you do, but I surely don't, and I want ever again.
The instructor came in and once everyone was settled in she introduced me to the class and showed me how the first move went and we all got started. The range of skill levels in this class is huge. I didn't feel so uncomfortable once I saw how many different levels each of us were on. There were some people that were experts and others that have been doing it for a while and then there was a couple of people like me...first timers.
Christina started everyone off slowly, basically stretching and breathing and I thought, yeah I can do this. About 45 minutes in I thought, Yeah I can't do this! It was so hot in there and I was sweating like a PIG!! I only had on nylon shorts and was I completely drenched in sweat from head to toe. This is when I started looking at the clock on wall and wondering if I was going to make the entire 90 minutes or not. I mean what do you do, just get up and walk out of the class, my mama raised a better man then that? I kept looking at the instructor and I think she could see the concern on my face and she kept giving me encouragement and kept telling me how good I was doing. She did tell us that if we felt like we were over doing it then to stop and rest for as long as needed. Well I kept pushing myself and forced myself to focus on what I was doing and just breathing. After a few minutes I got over my need to flee and finished the class.
I was burned out when I was done but it was worth it. When I got to the health club, I weighed myself and when I was done, I weighed myself again. Remember when I said that was sweating like a pig...well I lost 10 pounds of water weight in 90 minutes. I was pumped up now and really ready to go. I took a cool shower and went back and chatted with the instructors again and asked them how they though I did. She said most people get up and leave about half way through the class...duh!! I am so glad she told me this after the class was over because this would have given me an excuses to stop. I told them I would be coming every Tuesday night for the next few weeks and maybe increase after that.
With out all the things I have been through in the past few months and all the all the stuff I have done to make myself healthier, I never would have been able to complete this 90 minute class.
So my final thoughts on Hot Yoga is that when you go...
First - don't go in the room til it almost time to start the class
Second - Take your time and rest when ever you feel like you need to
Third - You must push yourself and stick with it. It is all good in the end!!
I don't know if anyone has ever done this before but it is a very intense experience. Basicly the room is set to 105 degrees and you do yoga for 90 minutes. My friend Jack does hot yoga, personally I have never heard of it, so I decided to look into and see what it was all about. I checked a few web sites around town and decided on one place that I thought would be best for me. I can't really explain why I felt right about this one but I just did.
Well I got there about 30 minutes before the class was scheduled to start and I meet with both Yoga instructors and we talked a bit and I let them know that this was the first time that I have ever done anything close to this. I explained why I was doing this and listen to them tell me all the benefits of completing these class. I went ahead and signed up 10 classes to make sure that I would follow through with this. I have three months to actually use all 10 classes so I am thinking once a week to start with and maybe add more often later down the road. I even bought my own personal yoga mat.
Since I was so early for class I went ahead and went into the class room to relax and wait for everyone else. This was a mistake..... It is good to get there early and relax your mind before you get started, but you don't want to sit in the room that is 105 degrees for 30 minutes before the class starts and then spend another 90 minutes working out. Well maybe you do, but I surely don't, and I want ever again.
The instructor came in and once everyone was settled in she introduced me to the class and showed me how the first move went and we all got started. The range of skill levels in this class is huge. I didn't feel so uncomfortable once I saw how many different levels each of us were on. There were some people that were experts and others that have been doing it for a while and then there was a couple of people like me...first timers.
Christina started everyone off slowly, basically stretching and breathing and I thought, yeah I can do this. About 45 minutes in I thought, Yeah I can't do this! It was so hot in there and I was sweating like a PIG!! I only had on nylon shorts and was I completely drenched in sweat from head to toe. This is when I started looking at the clock on wall and wondering if I was going to make the entire 90 minutes or not. I mean what do you do, just get up and walk out of the class, my mama raised a better man then that? I kept looking at the instructor and I think she could see the concern on my face and she kept giving me encouragement and kept telling me how good I was doing. She did tell us that if we felt like we were over doing it then to stop and rest for as long as needed. Well I kept pushing myself and forced myself to focus on what I was doing and just breathing. After a few minutes I got over my need to flee and finished the class.
I was burned out when I was done but it was worth it. When I got to the health club, I weighed myself and when I was done, I weighed myself again. Remember when I said that was sweating like a pig...well I lost 10 pounds of water weight in 90 minutes. I was pumped up now and really ready to go. I took a cool shower and went back and chatted with the instructors again and asked them how they though I did. She said most people get up and leave about half way through the class...duh!! I am so glad she told me this after the class was over because this would have given me an excuses to stop. I told them I would be coming every Tuesday night for the next few weeks and maybe increase after that.
With out all the things I have been through in the past few months and all the all the stuff I have done to make myself healthier, I never would have been able to complete this 90 minute class.
So my final thoughts on Hot Yoga is that when you go...
First - don't go in the room til it almost time to start the class
Second - Take your time and rest when ever you feel like you need to
Third - You must push yourself and stick with it. It is all good in the end!!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
The 3 Major Changes
Ok, this is the first time I have ever put something like this together and like I said this is completely for my own benefit. This blog is to document all the changes that are taking place in my life and all the changes that my body is going through after I meet this special person that changed my life. He showed me how to learn who I am and learn who I can become. He has opened many windows for me and told me to look through them and see what is out there for me. I will not post his name because I have not asked his permission to do so, so for this blog he will be called Jack. This blog has nothing to do with anything but my own personal experiences, it is all about the journey that I have been taking in my mind and body over the past six months and into the future. Just to let everyone know that happens to read this, I am not the best speller and I tend to re-read things over and over again and make changes to them, so if some things don't make since, then you will have to over look them or get over it, which ever works for you.
So lets start at the beginning...
A little about myself first, I am a gay man that has recently gone through 3 major life altering changes that have really turned things upside down in my life. The first one was that my partner for 13 years has moved back to San Francisco to be closer to his family while I am currently living in Atlanta. This was fine with me, it is giving us time to figure out what we really want out of life and see where we want to be. Our relationship is stale and more like friends then lovers. We are still in contact and still talk, but are on separate completely different paths now, and I can see this. Were these paths take us, I am not sure...but we have to figure them out as we go. That was the major change #1.
The second major change was that my best friend of 38 years passed way very suddenly. I have know him since I was 4 years old. We grew up together in a small town in south Georgia, and let me tell you being gay in the bible belt was not an easy thing to do. As fate would have it we didn't come out to each other until many many years later, I can only imagine what we could have done if we would have opened up to each other when we were young and the fun we could have had, not to mention the support we could have given each other. His name was Chris and I will talk in great detail about him in the future, let just say for now, he has left a huge hole in my life that I didn't know how to fill. The bad part (or maybe it was the good part, I am still not sure) is that I was the one that found him in his apartment almost dead and called 911 to get him to hospital, but he didn't make it through the night. I wonder to this day what would have happened if I had been there earlier, but more about that later like I said. Any way that was major change #2
The third major change was meeting Jack. I don't know what power or universal stings were pulled to put me and Jack together, but what ever they were...wow what a major change this was. A lot of this blog will revolve around what Jack and I do together and the journey's we are on. Even though we are on our own separate paths, he is helping me and I hope I am helping him in some way also. Just for the record Jack is a straight man and there is nothing but respect and friendship between us. Jack has changed my world in so many ways, it will take a while to fully explain all the things he has done for me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Its been a very rocky ride so far with many high high's and low low's. Seeing that I had two major holes in my life when we meet, I was looking for ways to fill both of them (love and friendship), but my closed minded and heart were thinking only that I could never get love from a straight guy. I have come to the realization finally that the love he has for me as a friend is much stronger and much much more then what my weakened emotional heart ever needed. I have also come to realize that all the love that I need is within myself and I have to learn to love myself before I can except love from someone else. That was MAJOR CHANGE #3.
So those are the three major crossroads that have brought me to where I am now. I will start explaining them all in detail as we move forward. I might jump around a bit, but like I said in the beginning, this is all for my own personal growth and expression.
So lets start at the beginning...
A little about myself first, I am a gay man that has recently gone through 3 major life altering changes that have really turned things upside down in my life. The first one was that my partner for 13 years has moved back to San Francisco to be closer to his family while I am currently living in Atlanta. This was fine with me, it is giving us time to figure out what we really want out of life and see where we want to be. Our relationship is stale and more like friends then lovers. We are still in contact and still talk, but are on separate completely different paths now, and I can see this. Were these paths take us, I am not sure...but we have to figure them out as we go. That was the major change #1.
The second major change was that my best friend of 38 years passed way very suddenly. I have know him since I was 4 years old. We grew up together in a small town in south Georgia, and let me tell you being gay in the bible belt was not an easy thing to do. As fate would have it we didn't come out to each other until many many years later, I can only imagine what we could have done if we would have opened up to each other when we were young and the fun we could have had, not to mention the support we could have given each other. His name was Chris and I will talk in great detail about him in the future, let just say for now, he has left a huge hole in my life that I didn't know how to fill. The bad part (or maybe it was the good part, I am still not sure) is that I was the one that found him in his apartment almost dead and called 911 to get him to hospital, but he didn't make it through the night. I wonder to this day what would have happened if I had been there earlier, but more about that later like I said. Any way that was major change #2
The third major change was meeting Jack. I don't know what power or universal stings were pulled to put me and Jack together, but what ever they were...wow what a major change this was. A lot of this blog will revolve around what Jack and I do together and the journey's we are on. Even though we are on our own separate paths, he is helping me and I hope I am helping him in some way also. Just for the record Jack is a straight man and there is nothing but respect and friendship between us. Jack has changed my world in so many ways, it will take a while to fully explain all the things he has done for me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Its been a very rocky ride so far with many high high's and low low's. Seeing that I had two major holes in my life when we meet, I was looking for ways to fill both of them (love and friendship), but my closed minded and heart were thinking only that I could never get love from a straight guy. I have come to the realization finally that the love he has for me as a friend is much stronger and much much more then what my weakened emotional heart ever needed. I have also come to realize that all the love that I need is within myself and I have to learn to love myself before I can except love from someone else. That was MAJOR CHANGE #3.
So those are the three major crossroads that have brought me to where I am now. I will start explaining them all in detail as we move forward. I might jump around a bit, but like I said in the beginning, this is all for my own personal growth and expression.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Day One
Who am I?
Well I am just a gay man in South Atlanta trying to figure out who I am really am. I have been going through a lot of changes in my life over the past few months and decided to write about them. I will be posting what changes are happening each day or maybe each week, it all depends on how much time I have. I will be posting about some of the changes that I have already gone through and most of the ones to come. This blog is a personal thing for me, so enjoy if you like.
Well I am just a gay man in South Atlanta trying to figure out who I am really am. I have been going through a lot of changes in my life over the past few months and decided to write about them. I will be posting what changes are happening each day or maybe each week, it all depends on how much time I have. I will be posting about some of the changes that I have already gone through and most of the ones to come. This blog is a personal thing for me, so enjoy if you like.
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